It took us some time to find our way.
Five miserable years of distance and pain.
It wasn’t the right choice for her, and it certainly wasn’t for me.
Because in the short duration of her stay in San Ricardo, I was cured. No night terrors, panic attacks, irritability, lashing out. I was as pure as an angel.
A saint. Her saint.
Only I know that I’m not what I pretended to be.
I shouldn’t be alive. This second chance at life is my punishment.
A punishment long-overdue.
In my misery, I’m meant to atone for what I’ve done and what I became on the road to the depths of hell. Determined to be the best, I showed no mercy. I didn’t feel an ounce of empathy. I put my success above human life.
I let my need to keep my brain occupied drive me into madness.
And now she’s here. She’s one of the reasons I’m still alive today. I should’ve died, but they brought me back to torment me with her love. Whatever the plan was from above, her crucial role in my demise can’t be denied.
When she loves me, I’m fooled into believing that I deserve it. When she loves me, I’m resolute about reciprocating the feeling.
But when I feel anything but numb, I return to the old me.
The glimmers of happiness remind me of a time before, and those memories crush me. They break me piece by piece.
That’s why I’m here, and she’s at home, curled into my brother’s arms. I’ve made sure to leave her in good hands.
I don’t want to return.
Life in Los Angeles has changed us. It’s cold and distant, far from the community we were used to in San Ricardo. The shallow nature of the city irks me, and I’m not busy enough to ignore my environment.
I’m forced to face the fear that in this city, she can be taken away from me. Because I won’t be able to protect her forever. I’ll slip up. I’ll make a mistake. She has two other boyfriends, but it’ll be my fault because I’m the responsible one.
Others would kill for this second chance. I already have. Killing is what brought me here. Now it’s time to be a coward again.
I won’t go back there.
I won’t.
The bottle of pills on my nightstand is full, like my bed.
They’ll hate me for it, but I’m certain that I’ll find peace.