Page 5 of You Saved Me

Ah, so that was the catch. Before this case, I would have tried anything to get out of it. But I’m always honest with myself, and honestly, I needed to talk to someone to understand how someone so brutal and sadistic was allowed to walk the earth or how some people were so unlucky to be targeted for murder while others weren’t. I needed it to make sense.

“Yes, sir. When do I start?” I asked.

“Your first session is in an hour. Your vacation starts next week. It would be effective immediately, but your supervisor needs you to finish your files on this case and the one you’re working on now. She said the soonest she can let you go without hurting the team is next week. And just so you know…” he stood from his chair, causing me to stand as well, “… your supervisor and team went to bat for you. She stuck her neck and career out for you. Don’t make her out to be a fool by disappointing her. We both see good things coming from you in this department. Understand?”

“Yes, sir. Thank you. I won’t disappoint either of you.” I shook his hand and left his office. That actually went a lot better than I thought it would. Last night, I could barely sleep after my supervisor said I was needed in the Division Director’s office first thing in the morning. I didn’t get punished, but I didn’t take that for granted. I shouldn’t have lost my temper, no matter what Bush said to me. I knew I could take it. But that wasn’t the case, and I could have lost my career because of it.

My forced vacation was going to be much needed and talking to a therapist would help. Being forced to speak to a therapist filled me with dread, but I knew it was necessary. I didn’t have anything from my past that I was loathed to discuss… well, nothing major. My feelings toward men, or the confusing feelings I had about men, had nothing to do with my career. It jumbled my head sometimes but had nothing to do with my work. As a thirty-five-year-old man, it was too late to unpack that baggage. Maybe I would bring it up. Maybe I wouldn’t.

I walked into our office space and proceeded to my desk. After dropping off my belongings, I jogged up the short flight of stairs to my supervisor’s office. Her door was ajar, but I knocked anyway, making her raise her head from the file she was poring over. She beckoned me in and went back to reading. I sat in the chair in front of her desk and studied her while she worked. She was light-skinned with round cheeks and permanent laugh lines around her mouth. She looked almost motherly, but no one let that fool them. She would shift those green eyes on you and dress you down from top to bottom without breaking a sweat. She’d been my supervisor for almost three years since I was transferred from the Texas field office to be closer to my family. Something I still hadn’t taken advantage of, as I hadn’t been back home in five years. Maybe I would go home during my vacation.

As soon as the thought hit me, I changed my mind. I didn’t want to be forced to explain to my parents for the fiftieth time why I wanted to be a cop instead of living off their money. My parents being rich afforded me many opportunities, but I wanted to make my own way in life. I wanted to make my own path and not have people be impressed because they knew about my parents and their wealth.

Before I could let my thoughts get further away from me, my supervisor, Agent Mills, looked at me with a raised eyebrow. She was definitely not one for small talk.

“Ma’am, I just wanted to say thank you for having my back with the Division Director. I also want to apologize for my behavior with Bush. It won’t happen again.”

She stared at me for about thirty seconds, sizing me up. I wanted to squirm in my chair, but I knew not to break under her scrutiny. She leaned forward on her desk and said, “I know it won’t happen again, Blackwell. You’re a good, levelheaded agent. You were under a tremendous amount of stress. None of the other team members worked as hard or as long as you to take Bush down, so I knew it would affect you differently. So let me apologize to you. As your supervisor, I should have never allowed you into that interrogation room, seeing how on edge you were when we broke down his door. You didn’t deserve to be put in that position.”

I shook my head in confusion, brow furrowed. “Ma’am, I accept your apology, but it’s not warranted. As you said, I knew I was on edge, so I should have let you know. And you’re right, it did affect me differently. I saw my sister’s face on all those girls, and it was hard for me to separate. I should have come to you about it, especially when I started to have nightmares.” I rubbed my hand over my face and leaned forward to put my head in my hands. This case really fucked me up. All I could see was Cassie tied down to the chairs Bush tied his victims to, pleading for help, staring into the camera, helpless. I sat back and said, “I was just trying to be strong for the team and not let anyone down.”

Again, Agent Mills stared at me, this time a bit longer than the first time. I couldn’t hold eye contact and looked away, tears brimming my eyes. I blinked them away as quickly as I could. Her eyes softened a bit, and she came around to sit in the chair beside me. Turning to me, she said, “Blackwell, I know this case was hard. I’ve been an agent for almost twenty years, and it’s probably one of the worst I’ve seen. The way I get through all my tough cases is by talking to someone. And there’s no shame in that. I know you have your first session shortly, so that’s a good start. But please, really work at it. Work through your feelings about this case and anything else that may be bothering you. Not for the team. For yourself. Start with something light if that makes you feel better. But start.” She laid her hand on my arm in a rare display of affection.

“Yes, ma’am,” I choked out.

“And tomorrow is your last day before vacation. Had I known you were struggling like this, I would have recommended your vacation start immediately. After your session today, go home. Come in tomorrow, finish up your files, put in your leave packet, and go. We’ll be okay without you for thirty days.”

“But, ma’am—”

“Don’t ‘but ma’am’ me. I gave you an order, and I expect it to be followed.” She gave me a small smile to take some of the bite out of her command.

“Yes, ma’am. Thank you.” I left her office and returned to my desk to grab the belongings I had put down—my laptop bag, jacket, and Bureau-issued cell. No need to come back and give my team the disappointing news.

I took the elevator down to the second floor and trekked down the hall to the medical section. After finding the office of the doctor I was supposed to see, I checked in with the receptionist and waited to be called back.

Fifteen minutes later, I was sitting in front of a very stern-looking man with round glasses, red hair that was receding slightly, and a hawk-like nose that made him look like the bird it was named for. But he was surprisingly nice—soft-spoken and seemed genuinely interested in me as a person, not just the case I had gone through. I didn’t know if I should be happy about that reprieve or not.

“So, Agent Blackwell…” he began after getting basic information from me, “… tell me about yourself. Where were you born? Siblings? Spouse? Kids?”

“Well, I was in the Army. A combat medic for four years, deployed once. OIF. Went straight to the academy after I left the military. I’d seen enough killing for killing’s sake. I wanted to catch the bad guys, not neutralize them. I wanted justice for those who were wronged. I was born in Georgia. My family still lives there… my parents and my sister. And no kids. My dating life is… complicated,” I finished lamely.

“Because of the job?”

Well, fuck, I guess we were getting into this now. “No, because I don’t… I, uh…” I stammered a little and glanced at the doctor. He didn’t look irritated or impatient but instead sat quietly and thoughtfully while I gathered my thoughts. “I… I don’t… I haven’t worked out my sexuality. I’ve dated women, but I don’t know if I only like women or if I like men as well, or exclusively like men. I’m… kinda lost, Doc.”

He nodded in understanding. “There’s no shame in that, Agent Blackwell. There’s no hard or fast rule to attraction or love or sexuality as long as those involved are legal, consenting adults. Do you think this affects your job or has in the past?”

“No. I never let dating or anything get in the way of my job. Not even when I was in the Army. But I was so serious about my military career and now the FBI that I haven’t had time to see what I really like, ya know?”

“I understand. So I’ll give you an assignment. Not that kind.” He chuckled when he saw the look on my face. “You don’t have to write anything down or turn something in. I want you to take your vacation time to get to know yourself. Spend a little time asking yourself some challenging questions and try to answer them. Find the underlying cause of your feelings about anything, not just your sexuality. It could be about your family, your future, your hobbies…anything. But don’t shy away from your thoughts or emotions. Don’t shut them down if you start to feel uncomfortable. Work through them until you have what you need. If you struggle at any time, you’re free to call me. From what I understand, you won’t be in the area for the next month, correct?”

“That’s correct. I’m not sure where I’ll be, but I’ll have my phone on me, so I’ll be able to call.”

“I want to continue sessions once a week, so we’ll set up some Zoom meetings for when you’re not in the area. You’re mandated to have regular meetings for the next six months. You can make as many appointments as you’d like, but there has to be at least one a week. How does that sound?”

“Sounds good, Doc.”

“Anything else you want to touch on?”

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