Page 67 of Fear and Desire

“I think you call it pudding.”

Putting something with texture in her mouth was a sensory explosion. The small bowl was empty way too fast.

“More, please?” she begged.

“Not yet. A little bit only now. A little bit later. Too much can make you very sick.”

Laura knew about re-feeding syndrome. Giving too much food at once to someone after a period of prolonged fasting could actually lead to death. What she hadn’t appreciated was how desperate the hungry person would be for food, once she started eating again. It took an act of supreme will to hand the bowl back to Darya, who turned to leave.

“Wait! Do you have a mirror so I can look at my hip?” She was finally ready to look at the mark that would was burned into her forever, and she wasn’t about to ask Anders or anyone else to help her look at it.

Darya’s face clouded. “Is horrible man who put that there.” She handed Laura a small mirror.

“Yeah. But at least it’s not his initials. Anyway, he’s dead now.” Laura twisted around and held the mirror so she could see the burn. It was a Celtic knot—two figure-eights, one vertical and one horizontal, drawn with one continuous line. Woven in and out of the figure was a circle. It was an attractive design, but why had Dan chosen it? She touched the scab over the top. Though the lines were still red and raised, it was only a little sore.

“It is getting late. You need to sleep now. Mr. Anders say you drink more during the night. I will bring it to you.”

“Darya, where is Dan?”

She frowned. “He is at the bar with my husband. Drinking. Something bothers him.”

“Yeah. I wish I knew how to fix it.”

Darya tucked her in and turned out the light.

38

Laura:

Laurasleptwell.Whenshe awoke, she wanted to get up and go outside, but Anders insisted she get another bag of IV fluids before she did anything else. He reinserted the needle and taped the catheter down, and she convinced him to let her lie in the swing on the porch while it ran in. She reveled in the freedom of the fresh air and the absence of pain and fear. She would never take it for granted again. It was a wonderful morning. The birds sang loudly, and the garden exploded with riots of color. Darya bustled around the house, stopping outside to chat in broken English. Dan had gone to the American consulate nearby to make arrangements for Laura to leave the country, since she didn’t have a passport.

She’d had eggs for breakfast and was looking forward to the promised homemade bread and butter later. When Dan arrived back, she was dozing in the sunshine under a blanket.

He walked up to the porch and sat down next to her. “The consulate will have a passport for you tomorrow. We’ll leave then. The other guys all made it across the border without problems and they’ll go home on a regular flight today, but we’ll have a private plane. I’m glad you’re doing better.”

He got up to leave. Laura’s mouth hung open. “Is that all?”

He turned, his forehead creased. “Is what all?”

“Dan, the week before this happened, you asked me to go away with you when it was all over. Now it’s like a wall of stone has dropped between us.”

“Laura, what do you want me to say? I was the reason you got kidnapped. Then I had to make you submit to me and I put you through all kinds of things no one should have to go through without consent. I fucked up further, and you gotbrandedand flown to another country to be a sex slave for the rest of your life. I’m honestly surprised you still want to talk to me.”

“Dan, I want to tell you a few things without interruption, okay?”

He nodded with obvious reluctance, and sat down facing the road, avoiding eye contact.

“Yes, this experience has, without a doubt, been the most horrible thing I’ve ever lived through. But I’ve also learned a few things about myself.”

He snorted.

“Yes, Dan, I have. It might have come about in an unusual way, but… I’m submissive, Dan. Just like one of the women at the clubs you used to go to that you’d never tell me about.”

He turned and looked at her, his face full of disbelief. “You’re fucking what? You yourself just said it was the most horrible experience you’ve ever had!”

“And what better time to learn just what I’m really like? I’ve had a lot of time to think over the last month. I put my trust in you, and despite what you think, you protected me and took care of me the best you could within the circumstances we had. My trust has not faltered for one minute, Dan.”

His face registered fury. “You submitted fromfear, not some misguided emotion that you think is aneed. Let’s be honest, Laura. I raped you. A number of times. I beat you. You might think you gave me permission to do those things, but you had no fucking idea what you were saying when you said it.”

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