Prologue
“Comeondear.Youneed to push.” The elderly nurse encouraged me. My body ripped in half from the inside out. I screamed as I pushed. I was going to shit. The doctor said the urge to shit was normal during childbirth.
The tears rolled down my cheeks as I tried to catch my breath. I couldn’t keep this up much longer. I’d been here all day, in labor. The nurses asked repeatedly if I wanted to call someone who could come and support me.
I had no family. No one to support me in this, and as I pushed alone, a small part of me regretted leaving them all behind. In the end, my decision to leave saved everyone I loved. I didn’t want them to be punished for my choices. I didn’t want this baby to suffer either.
“Can you give me one more big push, Sinclair?” The doctor asked me from his seat between my legs. I cried openly. I didn’t have the energy to keep this up. I didn’t think I could give him what he asked for.
“You can do this, sweetie.” The nurse said, patting my hand gently. The woman’s shift ended about an hour ago. She said, "No one should give birth alone. I’ll stay with you. My name is Ophelia. Your baby
needs you to be strong now, Sinclair.” “What if I can’t?” I cried.
“You can, and you will. You’ll do it for your baby. You’re going to do a lot of difficult things for them, my dear. This is only the beginning. Now, push.” The sweet old lady had a commanding tone about her, something that said, ‘Do as I say, because I know what I’m talking about.’
I pushed like she said. I pushed with every bit of strength left in me. I was dying. My body ripped apart from the inside out, and I would die before I laid eyes on the baby who spent the past nine months growing in my belly. If this was my only act of love, I would follow this through to the end.
As I pushed, the pressure on my spine lessened and I relaxed. My eyes struggled to stay open. A little later, Ophelia placed the tiniest human in my arms.
White, crusty stuff covered the baby and Ophelia assured me was normal. I held my little girl for a moment before they took her to check her vitals and clean her up. In those few moments with her in my arms, any doubts dissolved. She was my world, everything left unbroken. Everything I could have been, I discovered in her tiny face. I would keep her safe from all the darkness and evils in the world.
one
Sinclair
ElevenYearsLater
Two more hours. One hundred and twenty minutes, and no more high heels, skirts and blouses, or spreadsheets and conference calls for an entire month. The tension left my body in waves at the thought of my vacation.
It had been a rough year. Between moving from Arizona to California, a new job, and raising my eleven-year-old daughter alone, I was ready for four whole weeks of doing nothing at all.
Starting over was never easy, even though this time seemed easier. Having another person with me doubled the stress. Having Aine wasn't stressful. No, she was the best thing to ever happened to me, the light that chased away any darkness in my life.
I'm not perfect, and I never claimed to be, but I had a habit of ruining the lives of the people nearest to me. So, I worked hard to make sure whatever poison lingered inside me— whatever demons sat on my shoulder and destroyed everything I loved— I fought so they never touched Aine.
Everything I've done, I did to protect Aine from the darkness. From those ghosts who still haunt me all these years later.
My saving grace, Danielle. She told me she made it her mission to be my best friend when she found me sitting alone and awkward on my first day.
She was lively and sociable, a contrast to my private and reticent self. We shared a sense of sarcasm and dark humor very few people appreciated. She made sure I remembered to take time for myself and understood the balance I needed to maintain with my daughter.
We've been inseparable since the day at orientation for the Marketing team for a new up-and-coming golf resort in Palm Springs. The director gave his little 'Welcome' presentation and said, "What do most men want to do on a Sunday morning?"
I could've said something like "Go to church" or "Spend time with family." But that's not me.
No, I said, "Sleep with his neighbor's wife." A stupid question always deserves a ludicrous answer.
Danielle almost fell out of her seat laughing. The director didn't seem to agree with her enthusiasm. I didn't care what anyone thought of me. I kept to myself. I knew my way around a decent dick joke and had a secret wild side. I appreciated how I could have a real adult conversation with her.
The best friend position solidified when I introduced her to Aine. They enjoyed Mexican food and Emo music, and since Aine grew up with no other family, Danielle quickly became 'Aunt Dani.' I cherish the bond they share as much as I do my friendship with her.
My cell phone buzzed against the top of my desk and pulled me back to reality.Unknown Callerflashed on the screen. I never gave my number out to anyone. The few guys I'd hooked up with since we moved here were all the one-and-done type. The kind who didn't judge a girl when she made the walk of shame after a hookup. I never walked shamefully though, that meant caring about what others thought of me, and I never cared what people thought.
When no voicemail notification came through, I figured it was the wrong number or something. It happened occasionally.
Ninety minutes. I had a lot to do before I left, so I set my phone in my purse and returned to work. If Aine's teacher needed me before school got out, they had my office number.
"Ready to go?" Danielle asked from the doorway. A huge grin on her face. She refused to wear pantsuits. She swore they sucked the femininity out of a woman. Today, she wore a pair of white skinny jeans with a dark purple lace and satin blouse. Nothing flashy but Danielle didn't need to shine to stand out.