Page 6 of Grump's Nanny

“Ben, you had a Switch with Pokémon, and you broke it, remember?”

Ben nodded. “But if you love me, you would get me another one, right?”

This kid should run for Congress with the mental gymnastics he was running on me. “We can talk about it, okay? Now let’s get ready for dinner.”

I was just on the precipice of feeding the maniacs when my phone rang, and I instinctively picked up. I didn’t recognize the number, but what if it was one of the investors?

“Hello,” I said, only half-focused.

“Hi, is this James Warner?” It was a lovely female voice. Younger sounding, but polite enough that she must have been an adult.

“Yes,” I replied. “Who is this?”

The line was quiet for a moment, then she spoke again. “My name is Haley Birmingham. I’m a friend of Anna’s. Kevin’s…uh…girlfriend?”

She sounded extremely unsure of herself, and I almost laughed. “Okay, yes?”

“I was told you were looking for a nanny,” she said. “And I was wondering if I could forward you my resume?”

Was this my lucky day? Was karma bringing me a nanny in exchange for me not having RKO’d my child into outer space?

“Can you cook?” I asked.

“What?”

“Can you cook?” I repeated.

“Kind of,” she said.

“Any criminal history?”

“No. I’m an Olympic qualifier, though. Not sure if that matters.”

Wow. Impressive. She was right to tell me because whether or not she was qualified to be a nanny, I imagined that she would be active with the kids.

“You’re hired,” I said. “When can you start?”

“What?”

I laughed at her surprise. “Do you respond to everything like that?”

There was another long pause, and I could practically hear her embarrassment. “No.”

“Well good, cause we will have a lot to talk about when you come over tomorrow at 9 a.m. Does that work for you?”

“Yes,” she said, replying enthusiastically. “That works great.”

“Wonderful,” I said back. “See you then.”

I’d have to remember to tell Anna thank you because, at this moment, she could have told me her pay requirements were a hundred dollars an hour and I’d ask her who to make the check out to.

I turned back to my kids, who had miraculously eaten, and smiled at them. “Guess what?” I said, hoping my enthusiasm would make them excited too. “You’re getting a new nanny.”

All at once, it was a chorus of booing and fart noises, and I could tell my strategy had failed.

“We don’t want another nanny,” said Leann. “Nannies smell.”

“This one won’t smell,” I said to her as her brother and sister cheered her on. “She’s a lot younger than the last one.”

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