Page 28 of Consumed By Desire

Which is pretty terrifying, since I can’t even begin to figure out how to have a relationship with a guy. That was fine when it was enough just to have crushes on guys back in high school. It was safe enough since I knew I’d never act on them. I always figured it was a weird phase that I’d get over anyway.

As much as there’s some mainstream acceptance of same sex relationships, that sure as hell didn’t extend as far as my high school. Being gay made you a target. Luckily I wasn’t just attracted to guys.

It’s been easier to stay on my own outside of a few hookups. I don’t feel like I can open up to a woman about who I really am.

When I met Julian, every feeling I was in the habit of ignoring came back and only grew over time as I got to know him. The longer we lived together, the more I was attracted tohim. It was even worse because it went way beyond physical. His mind, who he is. I can’t resist anything about him.

My brilliant idea to end this torture of wanting someone I can’t have was to live with him again, thinking I’d get sick of him. That’s backfiring hard. I’m more into him than ever. Now that I’m in the middle of it, I don’t know what I was thinking. Probably that it was all I could come up with and I had to change something.

On top of that, Elena dropping back into my life has thrown me completely off my game. I had a crush on her in school and now I know that hasn’t gone away either.

I’m torn between wanting her and him.

JJ’s gazing at me in that appraising way he gets when he’s hell-bent on working out a problem. I shift around, uncomfortable with the idea of him being able to perceive my turbulent thoughts. No matter what problem he sets his mind to, his powers of analysis are unmatched by anyone.

Clearing my throat, I knock back the rest of my beer. “Do you want another one?” I ask him, glancing around and realizing that we’re surrounded by empties and that’s mostly because of me.

“No.” His voice drops. I glance over at JJ to see what’s up. His eyes lock with mine. For a moment I wonder if he really can read my mind. That’s the very last thing I need.

I swallow hard. “What then? More pizza?” I offer him a slice and he lets his fingers graze over mine as he takes it from me. Jesus Christ. I can’t let on how much that affected me.I make a concentrated effort to relax, only to end up moving around awkwardly once again.

The atmosphere’s changed. It’s getting thick with something I can’t quite identify. Definitely tension on my part. What else? I’m not sure. I like to think I know what Julian’s thinking most of the time. That’s not happening now.

I got myself into this strange situation and now I have no idea how to get out of it. I don’t know what to say to JJ. Being tongue-tied is far from my natural state.

I could walk away. Mumble something about having to make a call. Which wouldn’t work since it’s getting close to midnight. I try to focus my thoughts. If Asher gets back soon, he’ll be my ticket out of this situation. He can break the tension between us. If he makes it back at all, he’ll be back pretty late.

I can’t make a move. Somehow it seems like it’d be worse if I left now for some reason. As if things would end up being even more uneasy between us. That’s the last thing I want.

I think that’s why I’m frozen. I want Julian. I want everything from him. I can’t just hit on him like I planned. I wouldn’t ever do anything that could damage our friendship. I can’t lose that. Not to mention that if I made a move on him and he turned me down, that alone would destroy our working relationship. I can’t risk messing everything up. No way.

“I’m going to get another beer. I’ll bring you one too,” I say. That’s the only way I can extract myself. I’m about to stand up when to my surprise, JJ stops me by gripping my arm.

“What’s wrong, Logan? You’re awfully tense all of a sudden.”

I try to make sure my voice is steady before I speak. His hand on my arm is causing a reaction in me that I’d very much prefer that he doesn’t notice. I might as well be a teenager again. Getting turned on by a simple, casual touch. Ridiculous.

“Nothing. Nothing that another beer won’t cure.” If only that was true. My attempt at being light sounds fake as hell even to my ears.

“Looks like you’re the tense one these days, not me,” JJ says. He hasn’t moved his hand off me. I don’t pull away either.

“Not really,” I say, my voice cracking and betraying me.

“I think you are.” JJ’s voice is still lower than normal. He slides his hand up my arm and my jeans get tighter. “Seems like you’re the one who could really use a massage.”

I blink hard as he slides his hands to my shoulders. Tense is one word for it. My entire body locks up as JJ presses him thumbs into my muscles.

I try to distract myself from what his hands are doing to me by analyzing JJ’s technique. Good massage overall. Firm and not too rough. Massage therapist could be JJ’s fall-back career if he needs one. I try to come up with a joke about that. I can’t speak.

At least I’m turned away from him so he can’t see what his strong hands are doing to me. The last thing I need is for him to get a glimpse of my growing erection.

It’s getting harder to keep up my attempts at distancing myself from what’s going on. JJ squeezes my arms and then changes course abruptly. His fingers trail over to my back, moving lower down. Every one of his touches sends bursts of electricity all through my body.

Every time I think JJ must be about to stop what he’s doing and back off, he doesn’t.

His roving hands reach my lower back and to my utter shock, his fingers slide around to my hips. What the hell.

I can’t breathe as JJ starts working his way forward. He shifts slightly so he’s closer to me, so close I can feel his hot breath against the back of my neck. I shiver involuntarily. I was the one who was going to make something like this happen. The last thing in the world I expected was for Julian to be the one to do it.

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