Page 32 of Bear

“He’s worried about you!” I shot back. “And with good reason.”

“When I turn eighteen, you won’t have to worry about me anymore,” Carlos replied.

As he headed toward his bedroom, I put out a hand, planting a palm in his chest to stop him. Carlos shoved me away. I clamped my hand on his shoulder, hauled him into the living room, and pushed him down into a nearby armchair.

“You’re better than this, Carlos,” I said.

“Maybe I’m not,” he countered. “Maybe I’m just too fucked up to be the good boy you want me to be. But you refuse to see that.”

I frowned, confused.

“That isn’t true.”

Carlos’ nostrils flared and he tried to push to his feet. I pressed down, keeping him in the chair. There was so much anger seething off him. How had I missed it? How long had he been struggling right in front of me and I hadn’t noticed?

“Carlos,” I said, softening my voice. “If you need help - ”

“I don’t, okay? I don’t need your help. In a few months, I’m out of here. Then you can get back to your own life. And you can get married and have a real family all your own.”

Squirming out from underneath my hand, Carlos bolted for his room. But I caught his wrist and pulled him back.

Carlos swung wildly. His fist connected with my shoulder.

I didn’t budge.

“You can hit me again if it’ll make you feel better,” I said.

Carlos scowled at me then turned his head away. But not before I saw the threat of tears in his eyes.

“Let me go,” he growled through gritted teeth.

“I need to tell you something first.”

Carlos’ fingers flexed at his side, opening and closing in a fist. I could tell he really wanted to take another swing at me, this time with the intent to cause damage. So I had to make this quick and to the point.

“I don’t care how old you get,” I said. “You are my brother. Even if…” I faltered and cleared my throat. “Even if I do get married. Even if I have kids. There will always be room in my heart and my life for you, Carlos. Nothing will ever change that. And you can push me away, you can run all you want. But I will always be there when you need me. Because you’re my family. And I love you.”

Carlos didn’t move. His breathing was short and shallow.

“I’m not smart enough for high school,” he said, his voice trembling. “I’ll never make it to fucking college. But that…it’s all you’ve ever wanted for me.”

The heat of anger had dissipated and I could tell by the way his words wobbled that Carlos was fighting to open up and share this with me.

“Carlos,” I said gently. “I want a good life for you. I want to give you opportunities I never had. I want you to be a better man than I ever was. But if college doesn’t feel right for you, then we can work something else out together.”

With a sniff, Carlos swiped his hand across his eyes. Then, finally, he turned around to face me.

“You’re not…disappointed?”

The tiny ray of hope in his voice hit me in the chest hard enough to knock the breath out of me for a second.

“Carlos, I’m…no, I’m not disappointed. I’m scared, because I don’t want to lose you. I’m confused, because I had no idea you were hurting this much. But disappointed? In you? No. Never.”

Carlos swallowed hard and nodded. I tilted my head until he looked me in the eye.

“Do you still want to drop out of high school?” I asked.

His eyebrows drew together with frustration.

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