Page 50 of Just Another Chance

Thomas Beckett was like a stranger in more ways than one. While other kids looked up to their dads, I barely knew mine. He showed up occasionally for dinner and on holidays, but I never knew what it was like to have a dad who played catch with me or who showed up at parent/teacher conferences.

Basically, Thomas Beckett wanted nothing to do with any of us while we were under 18. But the moment we crossed over into adulthood, he suddenly became very concerned with our plans. Since Nash was the oldest, he had to deal with it first. But Nash was always closest to Dad, and he went to the college Dad recommended and then followed him right over to Beckett Technology which, before Nash and Charlie took it over, was known as TB Tech. Of course, he and Nash ended up having a major falling out like the rest of us.

It never took long before Dad overstepped his boundaries, and we kids lost our shit and respect for him and the underhanded way he handled situations. Then the moment we rebelled, he cut us out of his will and his life.

But with me it was different. It wasn’t just him pushing me to go to a particular school and then work at his tech company. Even though he did that, too. It was also him trying to control my personal life and choose who I should spend the rest of my life with. Knowing that he manipulated me and Addie as much as he did makes me hate him even more. He caused so much damage. I just hope to God it isn’t irreversible.

But, as angry as I am with him, I know it’s time to release those dark, hurt feelings that I’ve been holding on to so tightly. Otherwise, I’ll never be able to move on and find my happiness.

As impossible as it feels, I need to dig deep and figure out a way to forgive him.

Sitting down in the grass, my gaze moves over the smooth granite stone of the large marker. I look at my mom’s name and a sad smile tilts my mouth up. I still miss her, will always miss her, and wonder again how she dealt with Thomas Beckett with such strength and grace. My mother was a queen and had the patience of a saint. She possessed an elegance that left other women looking boorish. But, more than anything, it was her kindness and absolute love and support for her children– something my dad never had– that set her apart.

Running my fingers over the cool stone, I turn my attention to my father’s name. I remember the terrible things my dad said about Addie while we were dating. How she wasn’t good enough and that I needed to find someone who was better and more compatible to my station in life. I ignored him as best as I could, but his words were nasty and his attitude toward her embarrassed and infuriated me.

Addie had always reminded me of my mom. The only difference was my mom came from a wealthy, well-to-do, high society family and Addie didn’t. Her family worked hard for their money, and nothing ever came easily to them. But, personality-wise, she and my mom were so similar. Maybe that’s part of the reason I felt so hard and so fast for Addie. Growing up, I’d always been a mama’s boy.

But with Thomas Beckett as my father, what else would you expect?

And then everything blew up and Addie ran off.

Reaching into my pocket, I pull out the crumpled letter my dad wrote me right before he died and the diamond engagement ring, I wanted to give to Addie two years ago before everything fell apart.

An unhealthy anger spikes up inside me, heating my temper.

“You tried to control me, but I didn’t let you,” I say, eyeing the cool gravestone. “So, you sank really low and played really dirty, didn’t you, Dad?”

All around me, it’s quiet and so peaceful. The wind rustles my hair, and a bird chirps every once in a while. But inside, I’m seething.

“You couldn’t even apologize in this letter. It’s just full of excuses about why you were right, and I was wrong. You said you regret interfering in my life, but did you really? Because it’s so much more than that.” I heave out a sigh, feeling like this one-sided conversation is so pointless. “You destroyed me and Addie. And you didn’t even give a shit. We loved each other so goddamn much and she was going to have my baby. Did you know that?”

I wasn’t sure of the answer, but I’m willing to bet he did and that makes me sick. And that’s why he offered her money. To ease his black conscience.

My father was ruthless not only when it came to business, but also when it came to controlling the lives of everyone around him. I don’t know why he felt the need to command and dominate in every aspect of his life. But it’s the reason why we all pulled away from him and resented him.

“Addie is back,” I whisper furiously. “She had my son, and she didn’t let you dictate her life and steamroll all over her. And I think I love her more now than I ever did. If that’s even possible. I hope you’re rolling in your grave right now, Dad.”

The anger inside me bubbles up and flows over. The destruction his selfishness caused is unforgivable in my eyes. Truthfully, I don’t think I’m ever going to find it in myself to be able to forget and forgive because I don’t believe he had one ounce of remorse for what he did. But maybe…just maybe…I can learn to let the anger go.

For my own sanity, I know that I have to.

I heave out a sigh and glare at his name etched in the granite. “You need to know one thing: you will never control me again. Or anyone I love.” With shaking fingers, I start ripping his letter up, tearing it into tiny little shreds. Demolishing every last word from him. Severing our final connection.

The breeze picks up and I clench the shredded letter in my closed fist. Squeezing my eyes shut, a sudden peace washes over me. It surprises me actually, taking me completely off-guard. It’s like someone is pouring a soothing balm over my heart, over my wounds, over my soul, and over all of the terrible things that happened between us over the years.

Digging deep, I take a calm, centering breath and then let it all go. All of the anger, pain, regret, fear, resentment and frustration that tore us apart over the years. It never did us any good then and it certainly doesn’t now. I release it along with the tiny scraps of his letter, watching the pieces blow away in the light wind.

I forgive Addie, I forgive my father and I even found a way to forgive myself.

“I’m going to ask her to marry me,” I say and look down at the ring I’ve kept hidden away in a drawer. “And if I’m lucky, she’ll say yes.”

A deep breath erupts from my chest, and I feel a weight lift. I can’t believe it, but I’ve finally made peace with what happened, and my spirit feels lighter. After thinking hard about what I did, Addie did and my dad did, I realized the best thing to do is let it all go. To accept the past and the mistakes we made and to move on.

It’s clear to me now why Addie chose to run away and only recently told me about Owen. She’s been through a lot on her own, she was reluctant to trust me again and she was scared about my reaction.

I also never told her how I was feeling, and I regret it. All I’ve wanted to do is tell her over and over again how much I love her. But I held the words inside and didn’t say them when I should have been reassuring her of my feelings since the moment we slept together.

The fact that she doubts me now hurts me to my core. I will always do the right thing when it comes to her and our son. I think I lashed out because I was hurting and just as scared as she was. It was a lot to take in and try to wrap my head around.

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