Page 15 of Just Another Chance

Nash is right—as hard as it is, I need to get on with my life somehow. I’m going to start by focusing on work. From there…I guess we shall see.

But when it comes to love and women, I’m not going to hold my breath. It’s a damn lost cause.

7

ADDIE

Ibrush a loose strand of dark hair off my forehead and step back. With a critical eye, I look over the arrangement I’ve been working on for the past hour. Something isn’t quite right, and I tilt my head trying to figure out what to fix.Ahh.I add more eucalyptus and adjust the purple statice.Perfect.

I’ve been working at this little flower shop for almost a year now and it’s been rough. After fleeing New York, pregnant and alone, I wound up in a quiet New Jersey suburb. Technically, that’s where my car broke down and I decided it would be easier to just stay put. It’s within a decent driving distance to home so I could visit my mom, yet still far enough away that I would never chance a run-in with Tanner.

Luckily, I found a small apartment quickly, but it isn’t cheap or easy living on my own. And, of course, there was the whole issue of my pregnancy which turned out to be extremely difficult. I was sick all the time and had high blood pressure. My mom came to stay with me, and she helped me through almost six months until I delivered.

In a perfect world, my son’s name would be Owen Morgan Beckett. In my sad, lonely world, his name is Owen Hayes. But he’s handsome, already a charmer and a spitting image of his father. As difficult as that is to see every day, especially those hazel eyes of his, I love Owen with every ounce of my being. He’s a light in my world and it’s hard to believe he’s going to be two years old soon.

The problem is, I don’t get to spend enough time with him anymore. I have to work full-time to support us, and daycare is insanely expensive. The center isn’t even that great and when I picked Owen up a couple of nights ago, I was horrified to see a needle laying in the parking lot.

It still makes me uneasy, but I don’t have a lot of alternatives. Truthfully, I don’t have any. I miss my mom and wish she was still here with us, but Randy started bitching because she had stayed with me so long.Asshole.I wish he would just disappear and allow my mom to live her own life. When she’d been staying with me, I’d never seen her happier. It was like a weight had lifted off her tired, sagging shoulders.

Again, I wonder if I should move back home. I know my mom would babysit and I wouldn’t have to deal with leaving Owen at daycare all day, every day. It would allow me to save a little money and I want my son to know his grandma and his Aunt Kayla.

Of course, Kayla hasn’t visited us, but I’m not surprised. She’s wrapped up in her own little world and probably still running from the debt collectors.

After a final examination of the floral arrangement, I place it in the cooler and glance at the clock. It’s nearly 5pm so I need to lock up and run over and pick Owen up from daycare. They close at 5:30pm so it doesn’t give me much of a window.

Traffic isn’t too bad, but I’m still one of the last parents to arrive. I always feel bad if Owen is the last to get picked up and the teacher never fails to give me a side-eye look that I don’t appreciate. It’s not my fault that I’m only one person with a million things to do on a daily basis.

Owen toddles over with a big grin and I scoop him up. “Hi, baby,” I say and kiss him. He’s talking up a storm lately and I can’t keep up with all the things that come out of his mouth. Some things still sound like baby babble, but he’s beginning to use phrases and make sense like a little man. The paediatrician tells me he’s even a little advanced for his age and I can’t say I’m surprised. The Beckett family is full of smart men, and it looks like Owen got that gene in spades.

I strap Owen in his car seat and drive us back home. It feels good kicking my shoes off and I set him down, trying to decide what to make for dinner. I decide on pasta because it’s quick and easy– it’s Friday night so all I want to do is unwind from a long week. I only work Monday through Friday, eight hours a day, so I can spend the weekend with Owen. Besides, daycare is closed on Saturday and Sunday.

I put Owen in his highchair which he’s rapidly growing out of with those long-ass legs of his. He’s going to be tall, probably around 6’3” like his father. I suppose I should invest in a booster seat, but I’m not sure if he’s quite ready to sit at the table yet. After setting a small plate of pasta on his tray and filling up a bowl for me, I realize how hungry I am.This parenting thing is damn hard,I think and plop down in the chair beside him.

After a big yawn, I devour my dinner while Owen eats half of his noodles and squishes the other half between his fingers. The kid is always amusing, that’s for sure. As much as I love being a mom, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if Tanner was here with me.

Maybe it’s silly, but every time Owen does something new and has “a first” moment, I think of Tanner and mentally share it with him.Today, Owen started crawling. Yesterday, Owen took his first step. Our baby said “Mama” and my heart nearly burst.

I’m glad Owen is still too young to understand that he doesn’t have his father in his life. I know the day will come when I’ll have to explain the situation, but I am in no hurry to do that. When my mom mentioned finding Owen a stepdad one day, I shut it down fast. Her comment rankled me because I immediately thought of Randy and I know for a fact that just because I bring a man into my life and my child’s, it doesn’t mean he will be a good influence or a positive father figure and role model.

Most importantly, Tanner can never be replaced. He is and will always be Owen’s father.

Whether he knows it or not.

After running away, I never spoke to Tanner again, so unless Thomas told him I was pregnant– and I highly doubt that– then he has no idea that he has a child. A part of me feels like a jerk for never telling him. When I start second-guessing my decision to raise Owen alone, I force myself to remember two things: Tanner kissing that other woman and my conversation with Kayla about him asking her for advice about how to let me down easily.

I suppose one day I will tell Owen his father’s identity and if he chooses to find him and have a relationship then that’s completely up to him. Sitting back, I study the little man as he plays with the noodles left on the plate. He has light brown hair and achingly familiar golden-green eyes. Sometimes when he looks up at me and smiles, my heart catches.So very much like his dad.

Getting over Tanner was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Truthfully, I don’t think I’ll ever be over him completely. He was my entire world.

And then he wasn’t.

With a sigh, I stand up and wipe Owen’s mouth and fingers. I don’t want to start thinking about Tanner because I’ll fall into a slippery pit of sadness and won’t be able to climb out.

Lifting Owen, I take him straight to the bathroom and stick him in the tub for his nightly bath. We have it down pat now, so he’s in and out and smelling like baby shampoo in less than 15 minutes. I dress him in his pajamas covered in trains and then sit down in the rocking chair in his room. We rock quietly for probably another 15 minutes, and he falls asleep in my arms. I carefully lay him down in his crib and wonder when I should get him a big boy bed. Running a hand over his soft hair, I know he’s still too little. But there’s no denying that he’s growing fast.

When I hear my phone chime in the other room, I flip the nightlight on which is a cute little carousel that turns and throws colored horse shadows on the walls. Then I walk back out to the living room. Exhausted, I drop down on the couch and grab my phone. It’s my sister and I’m so not in the mood to talk to her. Even so, I sigh and wonder what she could possibly want. Now that I’m a mom and not dating a millionaire anymore, her calls have become less frequent.

“Hi, Kayla,” I say wearily.

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