Page 13 of Truck You

Despite Dad’s grief, it didn’t take long before he had another woman in his bed. In fact, for the first several years after her death, his bed never went empty.

First it was Christina. She’s probably the worst of the lot. She was on drugs when Dad met her, and she’s still on drugs to this day. The only time in her life when she went clean was when she was pregnant with Chase and Christian. Though it’s unclear if that’s true.

She left right after they were born, but not before she did her fair share of damage. Still too lost in his grief, Dad didn’t see how abusive she was to Liam, Warren, and Garret. Even now, she still fucks with Chase and Christian. She lives locally, and rumor has it, she’s the reason Christian got wrapped up in drugs in the first place.

As far as we know, he’s clean now. But he relapses often, and we all worry how bad the next time might be.

Next was Monika, Ash’s mom. She wasn’t as bad as Christina, but she’s still not a winner. She stuck around just long enough to give birth to Ash, then left without a word. No one had heard from her for years, then one day she showed up with a toddler on her hip. She dropped off this little girl, Alvara, like she expected Dad to raise her. It wasn’t his kid, but he took her in anyway. Or rather, Grams did.

A few years later, Monika showed back up and to collect Alvara like it was the most normal thing in the world to do. Dad and Grams didn’t stop her despite how much we all protested. We didn’t care that she was only blood-related to Ash. As far as we were concerned, Alvara was our sister too.

Then there’s my mom, Heidi. She was Dad’s rebound for Monika. Got her pregnant almost immediately. Ash and I are only eleven months apart in age.

My mom stuck around longer than the others. I was five when she left, and it completely caught me off guard. I thought she loved me. At least she told me she did every single day. But that was a lie. Just like how she told me she’d be right back the day she left to go grocery shopping. She didn’t go grocery shopping. I was too little and didn’t pick up on the fact that her car was loaded down with all her belongings.

Mom was the first woman to lie to me. She’s the reason why it’s hard for me to trust women, and the reason I can’t handle it when people lie to me.

Seven sons with four different women over the span of seven years, with me being the youngest at twenty-eight, and Liam being the oldest at thirty-five. Needless to say, we’ve been the subject of lots of village gossip over the years. Most of it being lies.

But there’s one universal truth in all of it. Paul Mutter is a shitty dad. He left most of our upbringing to Grams, and never really took part in anything we did as kids.

But he’s still here, so I guess that’s something.

* * *

“Hand me the larger wrench.This one’s too small,” Ash says from where he’s stretched out underneath my racecar.

I have a huge race this weekend, and if I win, I’ll gain back a lot of the momentum I lost after the accident a couple of years ago. My sponsors are getting antsy. They want to support a winning team, not a mediocre one.

“Is this the one you need?” I slide it under the car to him.

“Yep. Thanks.” Ash tinkers under the car for a few more minutes before he slides out. I’m not sure what he’s doing under there. I trust my brothers to keep my cars running safe and fast. Ash and Chase build them, and I drive them.

I know just as much about cars as they do. Maybe not building racecars from the ground up, but I can fix anything that goes wrong under the hood. I just don’t love it as much as them.

My passion is the actual racing.

Which is why it sucks that the accident is still messing with my head after all this time. I was at the top of my game. Winning race after race. I’d met all the requirements in the ARCA (Automobile Racing Club of America) series and earned my place in the Sprint Cup.

That was over two years ago. I should have made my comeback by now. I should be able to get behind the wheel without having anxiety. But every day is a struggle. Every day I have to pump myself up to do the thing I love the most. No amount of internal pep talks seems to do any good. I still get nervous when I step up to my car. My hands still shake when my fingers grip the steering wheel. And my heart beats so fast it feels like it’s trying to win the race.

Every day feels like a setback, and I’m not sure how much more of this I can take before I have a complete meltdown.

My brothers will support me in whatever I decide, but there are others that would be relentless with the jabs. I can hear them now.Poor baby Mac. Too scared to drive a racecar.

I’m not fucking scared. I’m just … It’s hard to … Oh, hell. I don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore. All I know is my heart still wants to race, but my mind is being a bitch about it.

Just goes to show you how quickly things can change.

“Hey, you okay?” I look to my side to find Liam watching me with a concerned look on his face.

“What’s that?” I ask.

“I asked if you were okay. You’re in a daze and haven’t responded to any of my questions.”

“Oh, sorry.” I push off from the wall where I had been leaning and shake my head. “Just thinking about the race and who’s in it.”

“Should be an easy one for you. It’s not a big one. Plus, you have more experience than half the entries combined. I don’t even recognize most of the names.”

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