Page 23 of No Limits

“I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again. I know Lochlyn, Wes does too. And we both agree that no matter what is going on right now between you, he loves you more than anything.”

“It doesn’t feel like it lately. It feels like he loves that job far more than he loves me. He certainly gives it more focus and attention than he gives me.” The words come out in a waver and cause an ache to settle in my chest. Or more so, for the ache that constantly resides there to flare up.

“I think we both know it’s temporary. You say it all the time, but you’re right. He’s trying to build something. I’m sure he’ll stop.”

“What if he doesn’t? What if heislike your dad and always puts his wants and needs first.” I don’t know when or how, but Lochlyn’s fear had been expressed to Chelsea at some point. She did her best to calm him, telling him that he already was nothing like their dad, but the look in her eyes now tells me she echoes my concern.

“You and I both know he’s not, Shay. That it won’t stay like this. It can’t.” The tone in her voice makes me wonder if she’s trying to assure me or herself. Maybe it’s both. I’m sure it’d be hard to watch her brother turn into the same type of person their father became.

I take a tentative sip of my coffee, barely lukewarm at this point, but it makes acid rise from my stomach and I push it away. Chelsea’s eyes widen and she reaches across the counter for my hand, squeezing.

That’s when it all breaks. I can’t hold back the torrent of tears any longer, and she quickly makes her way around the island to wrap her arms around me, rocking from side to side.

“It just hurts, Chels. Every day he chooses that damn job over me, it hurts. Night after night, he’s home after dinner, if he’s even home before I go to bed. And you know me, I stay up late. For him to not be home? What is he doing? Why are they so much more important than I am?” The pain in my chest is almost unbearable and I want to double over to make it go away, to contain it. It’s like my heart is trying to leap from my chest, to go find who it needs and beg for attention.

“I don’t know, Shay. I don’t know.” Her hand rubs big circles on my back as I sob in my seat, bent in half with my arms hugging my middle.

That’s when I hear the garage door. It’s later afternoon, a time Lochlyn is sometimes home, usually if he has somewhere else to go.

Quickly, I straighten up and turn away from the door, looking up at the ceiling as I wipe under my eyes and try to stop crying. Chelsea gets the hint and stands tall, moving away from me.

A few little sniffs, another quick swipe at my face, and I’m mostly okay.

The second he walks in, his brow furrows when he sees me. “Hey.” His voice is light and gentle, and I can tell he wants to rush to me, but he doesn’t. Chelsea isn’t the reason he's stopping, something else is. Something invisible.

“I’m going to go. Shay, call me tomorrow. Brother…” She sighs heavily and pats him on the shoulder before walking away without saying more. As she passes me, she gives me a quick peck on the cheek and squeezes my hand.

Lochlyn hasn’t taken his eyes off me since he walked in, but he also hasn’t said a word or moved toward me.

We’re in a standoff. He looks like he wants to comfort me, but at the same time, I can tell he’s wondering ifIwant him to.

And for the first time ever, I don’t know.

“Um, there’s a concert tonight that the firm asked me to go to. A new band to pick up. I was going to see if you wanted to join me.”

I’ve gone with him to a few concerts since the one that worried me. But not much changed in terms of his attention; he just left me with somebody to watch over me.

“No. That’s okay.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to be alone for too long.” How it differs from any other night, I’m not sure, except that he may be home after midnight. It’s not a big deal, I’ll hopefully be fast asleep, or at least I’ll try to be.

“Yeah. I’m not feeling so great.” It’s not a lie. It’s just not an illness that’s making me feel bad.

“Okay.” He’s hesitating, unsure what to do. It’s such a strange notion, as Lochlyn always seems to have the answers. “I’m, uh, going to get ready. It’s out in Syracuse and I’m going with Jim. We’re going to grab dinner with the band manager first.”

“That’s fine. I’ll be okay on my own.”

“You sure? I can make you something quick first.” He glances at the clock. I’m not sure if he’s checking to see if it’s a decent hour for dinner, or to see if he has time to actually make me more than a sandwich, which I’m fully capable of doing myself.

“Yeah. I’m good. I could always order in.”

He nods resolutely but doesn’t look convinced, so I plaster on a smile and force myself to seem okay, even though it practically hurts.

“Go get ready. I’ll be all right. I’m pretty tired anyway, so I’ll probably tuck in early, get a good night of sleep. With exams coming up soon, I should be resting up for the late-night study sessions.”

“If you’re sure…” He wants my permission. Though why, I’m not sure. It’s more likely to do with his conscience than anything. Even if I say no, he’s still going to go.

“Very sure.” Right now, part of me almost prefers that he be gone. It’s easier than seeing him and having this oddness between us.

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