Page 84 of Setting Limits

With a smile and quick flip of her hair, I leave Shay in the hallway while I go into the bathroom to take a shower and start my new summer.

By that afternoon, I had the job at Leila’s. Not too many people had come in and she liked my background working at Sterlings. She even called and spoke to Jane, who kindly gave me high praise.

The only problem is that now that town has cleared out by a few thousand, things are fairly slow, and it lets my mind wander.

How is Wes? What’s he doing out in California? Does he have a new girlfriend?

That thought causes me to burst into tears any time it creeps into my brain, including the middle of a work shift. Thankfully, I’m alone and able to quickly shake it away, but take a deep breath and remember that I can do this on my own to level out.

Is he sinking himself into any hole he can to get rid of the ache leaving me left him with?

I can’t say I haven’t thought about doing the same. But I know Shay would look down on it, which I can’t handle right now. Plus, I don’t want anybody but Weston.

Has he ruined me forever? Will I never want anybody but him again? That sounds like the beginning of a sad and lonely existence.

Shay and Lochlyn are good about spending time with me, both solo and together. I apologize to Shay more than once for not understanding the mood she was in last year. She, of course, takes it gracefully and tells me there’s nothing to apologize for.

The days shift back and forth. Some are great and I feel I’ve made progress and am on the mend to being not just a whole Chelsea, but a better one. Then there are days when his favorite song plays on the radio, or I find a shirt shoved in the back of the closet, or the worst, somebody asks me if I’m his girlfriend. Those days hurt and I end up in bed early.

It makes me feel like I’m not doing as well as I think on the good days, that I’m sad and pathetic and will never get over him. But I gave him everything, and he left. Whatever small pieces of myself and self worth I had left were utterly obliterated. It will take time for that to come back.

On the bad days, life has lost its color, its sense of meaning. Never in a million years did I think I’d find somebody I relied on so much, that I gave so much of myself to, that life would be permanently altered by them. But I did with Wes. And now I’m paying the price for it.

But on good days, he’s a not so distant or healed memory, but one I can happily look back on at an amazing time in my life and how lucky I was to be loved by somebody so amazing. I can see where and how to move forward and know that someday I may meet somebody who fills the void Wes left me with.

Once school starts, Shay and I are rooming together again. We decided to be roommates again before Wes decided he was leaving. Taking turns in the apartment had worked out, and while Lochlyn thought about getting a different apartment, this solution seemed fine. Plus, it would give me and Shay time alone again.

But now, I’m looking forward to it. Lochlyn says I’ll always have a place to stay at the apartment if I need it, but the noise, the business of the dorms, is what I’m looking forward to most. It’s easy to distract yourself, and sometimes man candy walks right down the hall in just a towel.

It’s not the junior year I had anticipated, not what I’d dreamed of when things started progressing with Wes. And yet, here I am.

Marissa’s back in the same room, and she has a new roommate. I told Shay that aside from our one night a week, I won’t ask her for more. Just because my boyfriend left doesn’t mean she should sacrifice time with hers. I get it a lot more now.

That doesn’t mean she listens, often being in the dorm working or studying when I get back instead of the library. Lochlyn’s grad classes have him busier than he expected, but I know she still prefers to wait in the library, surrounded by books and knowledge and other people studying.

Not to mention she’s not as much of a fan of the noise here as I am. But I know she’s doing it for me, and while my mood is still shit, I try to show my appreciation.

“Shay, you know that I love that you’re here for me, but you don’t have to behere. I’m okay, I promise.”

She shrugs a shoulder. “It’s okay, I don’t mind.” A loud scream in the hall draws her attention and a grimace.

I give a light laugh. “You do mind. You can go to the library, or the apartment. I’m fine here. Besides, Marissa is only a few doors down.”

“Not going to change my mind, Chels.” Aside from the quick glance into the hall, she hasn’t lifted her gaze from her math book.

It’s one of the many things I love about Shay. Her overprotective nature and the fact that she’ll put her needs aside for my own. It makes me feel like a shitty friend, because while I’ve come around, I wasn’t that way for far too long, and she still hung by my side.

“I’m very lucky to have you, Shay. Do you know that? How grateful I am that you’re my friend?”

She looks up now, her eyes wide with wonder. “I didn’t know that. But I feel the same way about you. It’s why we’re best friends, Chels.” Her voice is light and tender.

“Yeah, it is. I’m just really thankful for you right now while my heart is more than a little bruised.”

“We’ll get through it, Chels. Together. Because I’m here, and so is Lochlyn. He loves you, and he hates seeing you so hurt. He’s a little torn, because Wes is still his best friend, but he’s mad at him for hurting you.”

“I don’t want Lochlyn and Wes to be at odds over me. I made the choice along with Wes. He wanted to stay together, and I told him I couldn’t. He still left. We’re both to blame.” It’s a realization I’ve come to, no matter how hard it is to admit.

“That’s very adult of you to say. But we’re on your side, Chels. Even if it was mutual, we’ve got your back.”

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