Page 74 of Setting Limits

I can’t say I blame him, but it does hurt. We’re in this together, he and I. It’s a commonality we share. They barely remember to talk to me either.

When I text him Happy Birthday, he messages back a simpleThank you. I know he’s hurting, but it kills me that he ignores me too.

It reignites old feelings. That I failed Lochlyn, that he hates me, that I destroyed his life. Not just for breaking things with Shay, but for everything, for being the burden in his life that he can’t be rid of, no matter where he goes or what he does.

A few days later, I’m still in a funk. The three of us are hanging out, waiting for Wes.

“I’m sorry I ruined everything for you guys.”

They look at each other with furrowed brows. “Chels, where is this coming from? We’ve moved forward. We forgive you.” While Shay’s voice is gentle, I can pick up the hint of irritation in it.

“Well, do we?” Lochlyn has a smirk on his face as he looks between me and Shay.

She elbows him in the ribs, and he doubles over with an “oomph.”

“You know I hate when you do that.”

“Then don’t be an asshole, and I won’t have to do it.” Shay gives him a pointed look with a raised eyebrow. Lochlyn chuckles, cups her face, and pulls her mouth to his for a brief kiss.

“Only you, baby girl. Only you.”

With a lasting look into Shay’s eyes, Lochlyn turns back to me. “I’m just giving you a hard time, sis. We do forgive you.Iforgive you. I know I was harder to come around than Shay. But I’m there, we’re good. I want you to be happy. Even if that is with my best friend. Weston’s a good guy, Chels. I’ve known him a few years now, and while you’re my baby sister and I firmly feel no guy will ever be good enough, Weston is pretty damn close. At the very least, I trust him.”

If only what they were saying made me feel better or was along the lines of what I meant.

“It just…it feels wrong. Hypocritical.” I start wringing my hands in front of me, drawing Shay’s attention as she frowns. It’s easy to roll with this than really share what I’m feeling, which is how if I wasn’t around, Lochlyn would probably have a much better life. Possibly even parents who cared about him.

“Chelsea, it’s not.” I glance at her and raise my eyebrows, ready to retort when she holds a hand up.

“Okay, maybe it is a bit. But you’re not still against us. You’re our biggest supporter. We know that. I feel that. Don’t deny yourself happiness on something that happened almost a year ago that's long since passed. Don’t deny yourself just because you’re trying to keep the score even. Lochlyn and I are insanely happy. We had a minor break, but it didn’t derail us. If anything, we’re stronger for it because we realize how much this relationship means to us.”

She takes his hand in hers as she speaks. I so desperately want to be fully open with them, but I can’t seem to get myself to say the words.

“Allow yourself that same happiness, sis. If that’s with Wes, so be it. If not, then don’t hold on to him, because I can tell you, he’s in deep with you.”

“I don’t want you two to turn around in a few months or years or whatever and realize that you’re mad, that it was unfair, that I got so angry and did this horrible thing and broke you guys up and how dare I deserve to be happy in the same situation. This isn’t just some random guy. It’s Lochlyn’s best friend. It’s the same. It’s the same thing I did. Youshouldtell me no. Youshoulddemand we break up. It’s what I deserve.”

I’ve always worried that someday Lochlyn will realize he’s put up with too much from me, that I’ve been an ungrateful brat for the better part of my life with him, and he’ll finally shoo me away. I don’t need adding everything that I caused with Shay to be another thing he’ll toss on that ever-growing pile. Because now, according to Mom and Dad, he has to make sure I stay at Cornell. They apparently dropped that bomb on him at Christmas. It took him until recently to share that information.

Lochlyn and Shay look at each other and have one of their silent conversations. I can see the worry on their faces, the concern that I’m spiraling and still blaming myself. They’re right, I am. I could hear the tinge of hysteria in my voice just now.

“Chelsea. Please, listen to me.” When I don’t glance up from my lap, Lochlyn’s foot knocks into mine…hard. My eyes dart up to his, and he jerks his head toward Shay, who’s glaring at him, likely for kicking me.

“Chelsea,we, both Lochlyn and I, forgive you and love you. The only one who hasn’t let go here is you. We don’t talk about it. We don’t think about it. It sucked for those few weeks, but they’re long gone. You need to let it go, let yourself heal. Youdodeserve happiness and love, to be loved.”

My eyes start to fill at the feelings Shay knows I don’t think I deserve. The ones my parents made me think I would never have, never earn, because I didn’t have theirs. And how could I have earned the right to have it from Weston after all I did to Shay and Lochlyn? Especially my brother. For years and years.

My mind tells me I don’t. But my heart tells me I do. So do my best friend and my brother; two big parts of my heart, of my life, of my soul. And the biggest part is the one who has been arguing that I deserve his love and devotion all along.

“I’ll work on that, Shay. I will. It’s just hard. With everything that Mom and Dad—” I stop as I notice Lochlyn stiffening out of the corner of my eye. I’ve had a lot of talks with Shay about how they made me feel over the years, and especially lately as I start to unpack not just the long-term effects, but how they’ve affected my day to day. But I haven’t had as many with Lochlyn, though I’m sure Shay has shared with him.

“Chelsea, listen to me carefully.” The deep commanding voice of my big brother makes me focus on him. Shay links her fingers with his, so I know that what he’s going to say is hard for him too. I’m sure she hears the damage caused from both sides. “Mom and Dad are selfish assholes. I know that they made you feel unworthy. But I promise you, that’s on them, not you. There isnothingthat you did or didn’t do that caused them to be gone, that caused them to abandon us. They left me too, remember? And you’ve always called me The Golden Boy. If I was so perfect, their star and everything they always wanted, why did they leave me, too?”

It’s a good point, one I’ve never heard him make, but from the look of it, Shay has. Lochlyn’s never really let me see the deep wounds that our parents left on him, and until recently, possibly even right this second, I’d always assumed they weren’t that bad, just more surface level. Something he was able to roll off his back. But over the past year, I’ve learned that there’s a lot more to my brother than I ever knew. Feelings and ideals he hid from me, probably because he felt he had to.

Shay reaches out and puts her palm against Lochlyn’s cheek, turning his face to her and nodding gently. With a sigh, he drops his forehead to hers and closes his eyes. Whatever he just said, it pulled up something strong. Something he has been and still is struggling with.

I don’t know how, I don’t know who decided to grace us, but Shay is the best part of both of our lives. We’d both be incredibly lost without her, and I’m eternally grateful that Lochlyn not only has her, but that they were able to come back from what I put them through.

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