Page 30 of Setting Limits

But I don’t think I know what love is.

I’m still dating Brendan, sure. It’s been over a year. And while we've said “I love you,” I don’t think I’m actuallyinlove with him. I’m not exactly sure what the difference is, but I’m pretty certain there is one. Especially because if what I feel with him is what being in love is like, I don’t understand how Lochlyn and Shay are so happy.

There’s another question on the tip of my tongue, but Shay walks back in with her mom, and Don had returned while I was lost in thought.

I notice Shay’s face immediately, red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks, and I start to rise. Lochlyn’s already out of his seat and halfway to her. Sitting back, I watch in awe, and a little bit of jealousy, as he cups her cheeks, swiping at her tear tracks and kissing her gently.

Warmth fills my chest with how comfortable they are together, not having to hide. But then it’s gone, replaced with cold heaviness as I realize I never should have been against this. Not only because it was wrong, but because I missed out on seeing my two favorite people genuinely happy and in love for months.

Knowing that Shay’s very clearly in capable hands, in all honesty, probably better than mine, I go back to my phone, feeling a little like a fifth wheel for the first time since getting here. Jane and Don are deep in conversation on the couch while Lochlyn has Shay pulled into his lap, arms around her as they talk to each other in low voices.

I have a message from Brendan asking when I’m coming over. But instead of the excitement I think I should feel, I’m filled with defeat. My shoulders slump as I work out the details. I can probably leave without being rude in about an hour. We still have dessert left.

As I’m typing out my message to Brendan, explaining my reasoning for the time, I overhear Lochlyn talking to Shay.

“I like to think I've become the Shay whisperer in the past year or so, but you’re going to have to connect the dots for me.” He really has. On some level, he’s always understood her in a way others don’t, and not just because of what they have in common. Now I sometimes think she doesn’t even need to talk for him to know what she’s thinking. It’s like they’re kindred spirits that have finally found their other half.

I want that.I want what they have. And it’s become increasingly apparent that I don’t have that with Brendan.

The excitement I should have felt, but didn’t, with his waiting text, lingers. Until my phone vibrates with a new message.

Wes:Looking forward to movie night after we get back. Don’t forget my snack ;)

There it is. Thatfeeling,that tingling and racing of the heart that I know I should have when there’s somebody I’m looking forward to seeing. The one I don’t have with Brendan. A simple text from Weston brought it forward. It shouldn’t.Heshouldn’t.

But somehow…he does.

Chapter 17

“Ithinkweshouldbreak up.”

Brendan drops his controller and looks up at me, jaw hanging open. “What? Why?”

My eyes dash down to what he dropped and then back at him. For several weeks, I've come after his video games. When we first got together, he played constantly, but I didn’t mind because I was just happy to spend some time with him, and he always put it down and focused on me if I asked him to.

Since I've been at Cornell, it’s been the opposite. I can’t even get his focus during a conversation, and I can tell he’s distracted on the phone, often being met by silence. Which leads to an argument about how our time to chat is important, that we can’t maintain a relationship if we can’t talk to each other because other things are in the way. And then it turns into how hard it is not to see each other. We somehow circle into him not coming to visit. It usually ends in a mess and with me incredibly frustrated.

Even last night, we sat on our separate sides of the couch, doing our own thing, until one of us got bored and we had a quickie before going back to that and eventually going to bed. The only reason I stayed the night was to give Lochlyn and Shay a little privacy on what’s basically their anniversary.

It’s not what I want anymore. Especially now that I know more is possible. It was fine when I thought it was the best out there, that this is the sort of relationship everybody has except nobody talks about it because it isn’t glamorous or pretty. But now I know more exists.Betterexists.

“I just don’t think we work together, Brendan. I’m not sure we ever really have.”

“How could you say that? We've been dating for like…a year.” It’s clear he had to think about it for a minute.

“And that’s probably longer than it should have been. I’m not sure what you want me to say. We just…we don’t work, we don’t fit. There’s no love here.” I’m honestly a little confused about why he’s arguing. He can’t possibly be happy.

“I tell you I love you.”

“Yeah, but you don’tloveme.”

His face scrunches as he tries to puzzle out what I just said. “I don’t understand.”

“I watch Shay and Lochlyn together. Things are good between us all again, and they’re the people I’m closest with, so we’re together a lot. And I see the way they look at each other, the way they interact. It’s not what we have.” We don’t even have a modicum of what they have.

“Yeah, but it’s not fair to compare us to them. They’re fucking soulmates.”

“Well, it seems you don’t think we are, and that’s not something I’m going to argue because I agree.” If he’s my soulmate, take my fucking soul away, I don’t want it.

---