Page 3 of Setting Limits

“It makes me feel weird. I don’t like it.” There’s more to it than that. But Brendan doesn’t get it. He never has any other time I’ve brought up the stronger emotions that roil within me daily. It’s just another reason I don’t get too attached.

What Brendan seems most incapable of understanding is the loss of having parents like mine. It’s a giant, gaping hole that their lack of love and support has gouged into my heart. And not just that emptiness, but the way it makes me relate to others. Even Shay. She’s been my best friend basically my whole life, but she’s better than me anddeservesbetter than me, and I know it. I’m just waiting for the day that she does, too.

The problem with her and Lochlyn being together is that they’d both realize it at the same time. He already knows. Sure, he’s my brother, he’ll always be around in some capacity, but I’d lose them to each other and eventually only see them on the occasional holiday, just like my parents.

Keeping them apart is easier, better. Less painful. For me anyway.

But they’ll both get over it.

Lochlyn will find some new holes to sink into, and Shay will realize he’s just a player. Especially in a few months when we’re all together on campus. When she sees him with a different girl every day, or even a few throughout the day, she’ll finally understand what I’ve been telling her for years. That the supposed rumors about him being a manwhore are entirely true. The girls he went to school with suggested as much. Why lie? What would they have to benefit from that?

Plus, Dad got his panties all in a twist when he heard about them. He wouldn’t do that if he didn’t have some sort of knowledge that they were real.

While Shay has been telling me for a long time that maybe the rumors aren’t true, they exist for a reason. Whether she wants to accept that or not is entirely up to her, and it seems she doesn’t since she’s sleeping with him so frequently.Ew. The thought makes bile rise in my throat.

I can’t believe my sweet friend has been tainted by my filthy brother. I love him, possibly more than most siblings love theirs because he has been there for me when our parents haven’t been. He stepped up to the plate when I otherwise would have been left to squander, but he’s a womanizer.

The way girls look at him, why wouldn’t he be? Why wouldn’t he go after any girl that shows interest? Shay really should thank me; I’m saving her inevitable heartache for when he ultimately cheats on her. Because it’s really only a matter of time.

“Chelsea, where’d you go?” Brendan’s voice brings me back from my swirling thoughts.

“Just…thinking things through. Mind if I stay here for a while?” There’s no way I can go home, not now. Possibly not even for a few days.

“Of course, happy to have you here. You know you’re welcome any time.” Being welcome and wanting me to be here are two different things, and he didn’t say he wants me here. If I’m completely honest with myself, Brendan isn’t as great as I first thought. He shows me more and more how much wedon’tfit together. I think part of me is trying to show Lochlyn that I can do commitment, after some comment he made about me flitting from boy to boy like a fly.

Part of me has to show him that I’m not just a fuck up. He’s the only one here to see it. Even if that means staying with somebody I don’t love. I’m leaving for Cornell in a few weeks, and it will be harder for Brendan and I to see each other, but it may make for an easier break when that time comes.

It may seem silly, staying with somebody I’m not that into just because I don’t want to keep the title of being flakey, but that’s a word used to describe my parents, and I’ll be damned if I’m anything like them.

Abandoning two teenagers to basically be on their own? Who does that? Especially after all the times Mom would hold me close and tell me how much she loved me, how much she always wanted to be a mom and to have a daughter just like me. She took the time to teach me her ways of shopping and vanity but never anything important.

The fact that I can barely boil water isn’t lost on me. Or Lochlyn. But he never missed a single step, teaching himself how to cook the second it was clear our parents weren’t likely to be stopping their traveling habits any time soon. They kept us both in funds, which allowed me to shop to my little heart’s content, until they cut me off for delaying Cornell to stay with Shay when her dad died.

The rage that rolled through me when that happened surprised me. But they’d been gone for a few years already, only returning for holidays or the occasional extended week. I remember when a client specifically requested Dad be their attorney and offered to pay top dollar, and they stayed a whole month for the trial. I felt like I’d won the lotto, having them home so much.

When we talked about Cornell and my reason for wanting to delay, their response was to cut me off. It made me lose any shred of respect I had left for them. What right did they have to be laying such rules and boundaries on me? Daughter or not, I was more on my own than being cared for by anyone who got to make those calls.

And to take away my funds? It was nothing more than a show of power. If they wanted a real say, they should have been around. Shay’s mom was a Godsend, giving me a job.

Pain in my palm brings me back to the current situation, and I unwrap my fist to find four crescent moon indents in my skin. With a deep breath, I flop onto the couch next to Brendan, who’s already engrossed in his video game again.

This is what our time together looks like, mostly. He plays video games, and I sit on my phone or do something else alone until one of us decides we want to have sex. It’s not even the worst relationship I’ve been in. Because Brendandoescare about me. He does try, and has gotten to know me in ways others haven’t bothered to. He just lacks drive, desire. Living in his mother’s house is enough for him. He doesn’t have big goals or dreams.

One time I asked him about his five-year plan, what his goals are after he finishes college. He shrugged and told me he didn’t know. How he even narrowed down a field of study is beyond me. At the beginning of our relationship, he tried hard. He pulled out all the stops to impress me, taking me on dates and away for the weekend and talked about school.

Then it all stopped. It’s like we became complacent. I think at some point we realized that we aren’t right together, but neither of us wants to admit it.

Our dynamic never bothered me before, and I’m not sure if it’s the recent development between Shay and Lochlyn or if it’s my upcoming departure for Ithaca, but right now, I’m irritated that I don’t have his full attention anymore.

There was a point in our relationship that I had it more…right? That he gave it to me completely? Or was it always like this, and I’m just now noticing because my little bubble has been popped?

Despite all this, despite the fact that I’m deep in my mind, pondering our relationship, and he’s utterly oblivious as he slams his thumbs into his controller, I know that I still won’t end things. Maybe I’m a masochist, continuing to be with somebody when we have such a weak connection, but at least I’m with somebody who cares for me.

And I could do worse. Ihavedone worse.

The worst was probably the guy I met at the supermarket who kept calling me Chloe, thinking that Chelsea was a weird name. At least he had the first two letters right, even if they sound different. I gave him credit for that. And he still lasted about a week. The sad part is, he wasn’t even that good in bed either. A week was far too long, but my toxic trait is holding on to people who show interest, hoping they’ll show enough, that I’ll be enough. For Kent, I clearly wasn’t.

Brendan has had the most potential of anybody I’ve dated or quasi dated. Which is why he’s lasted as long as he has.

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