Page 18 of Setting Limits

To be fair, a lot had been thrown at me all at once. That Shay and Lochlyn were together, that they’d beenlyingto me for months, that Lochlyn wasn’t just sleeping with her but truly loved her.

With my eyes truly open, I see how I missed the signs for years. There was so much said in the little things I refused to hear.

Now that I reallyseeit, it’s impossible to miss. There’s an ease, a magnetism between them. In a way I’ve never seen two people around one another. Not that I have the best example in my parents, even when they were around.

The closest example I had was probably Shay’s parents, before her dad died, of course, but Shay and Lochlyn exceed even them. And I’d always thought that her parents were meant to be.

All of these revelations just make me feel like shit for being such a bitch about it, for denying it. For ending it.

And yet, I can’t let it all go when I’m in the room with them, especially Lochlyn. Thinking about it in the abstract is so different from thinking about when I see him, the same brother I’ve known my whole life. It’s still hard to separate the rumors, the Lochlyn I thought I knew, from the one that sits across the room cradling my best friend.

The adjustment is what’s difficult. They both had their very specific places and roles in my life. Now that they’re together, I can’t tell if those change, or if they can still be accomplished with them together, interacting. Do I come last for them now? Or maybe not at all?

I know none of that is true, or even fair, but I feel like I used to come first in both of their lives. Even if that was just my falsified reality, I held onto it, because I need to come first tosomebody,and it’s clearly not my parents.

It’s why I date around. I know it, and I’m sure Lochlyn is smart enough to figure it out. I’ve never flat out told Shay, but I’m sure she gets it. My parents are a rare topic of conversation. At no point have I ever truly delved into the pain that their disappearance and abandonment has caused. It would surely be unbearable.

When my stomach rumbles, I glance over at Lochlyn, who’s locked in on the show, taking quick peeks at Shay to make sure she’s still sleeping.

“I’m getting hungry. Think it’s okay to order?”

“Yeah, she’ll probably wake up soon.”

“Want anything specific?”

“My usual.” It’s a test. I know it is. The thing about it is, I’ll pass. He thinks I don’t know him, that I’m going to ask what he wants. But I know his order.

Grabbing my phone, I take it into the hallway to keep it quiet for Shay and order. Lemon chicken for me, sesame chicken for Shay, and lo mein for Lochlyn. All with fried rice.

“Going to be about thirty minutes.” I hop back up on my bed while telling him the time.

He does nothing more than nod, his gaze intent on the TV.

That half hour is spent in silence, and I practically jump out of my skin when my phone rings.

“Take thirty.” Another gift of Lochlyn’s. He surely knows the rough prices of what each meal costs and then adds the tip. It’s easier to tip well when money isn’t an issue. My parents never cut him off.

Not just that, but he’s good at saving. Something I never really learned and have paid for. The money my parents give me now is more like an allowance than large chunks of cash deposited in my account.

They don’t want to be around to love me, and they can’t be bothered to give me enough financially. Sorry to be such a burden, Mom and Dad.

On top of that, I’m not the perfect child, like Lochlyn. The worst thing he ever did was get tattoos. I’m not a fan, they’re not for me, and I don’t like guys with them, but it’s his body. Why do they care so much?

Shay’s still sleeping when I get upstairs with the food. I think I had expected Lochlyn to wake her up, but maybe he plans to just let her sleep. I won’t eat without them even though my stomach is grumbling at the sheer smell of this deliciousness.

It doesn’t take long for her to wake, though. And she seems a lot better when she does. A touch perkier, a bit brighter. And definitely nicer.

Lochlyn asks her how she feels, and she apologizes for falling asleep. Definitely normal Shay.

“We got Chinese food!” My lame ass contribution. Sometimes with them I feel like I just need to be included or they may forget I’m here.

While we eat, Lochlyn asks Shay about going home, and I listen quietly. Part of us adapting to a trio where two are dating, is knowing when to talk and when to keep my mouth shut. Maybe if I had done more of that from the beginning, we wouldn’t have had to go through all the hardships we recently had to go through.

She doesn’t want to go home. But then I wonder…

“But…what about your mom?”

The explanation Shay gives, the reason she doesn’t want to go home, it all makes perfect sense. She’d spent so long taking care of her mom, and she doesn’t want to do it again. Not this time.

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