Page 95 of Off Limits

Seeing his smile made my heart flutter, every single time. Now it’s just a pulse, a mostly lifeless one at that.

My body misses his physical contact, even just his hand on my lower back, but especially his forehead against mine. It always felt so intimate to me, like it could somehow connect us even more. What if I never feel that again? Just the thought makes my eyes brim with tears and ice run through my body.

There’s the slightest hint of his cologne, still left on the pillow he’d started using when he stayed with me. Every day I have an internal battle with wanting to hold it and being afraid to make it go away by overusing it.

His mouth always had the slightest taste of mint. The thought reminds me of the one time he tried to be funny and chewed Big Red gum before coming over. I immediately pushed him away as he laughed, knowing I hate anything even the littlest bit spicy. I’d give anything for that again.

I miss him so much my chest aches and my bones feel too weak to support me. Whatever comfort and calm his presence brought me is gone, replaced with tension. We always joked that we fit together like puzzle pieces—the way he could curl around me, how my head fell perfectly against his collarbone, that when he leaned down to rest on my shoulder, he just…fit. Now I feel alone, like the one piece that goes missing, lost forever and unable to fit into any full picture.

The time we spent alone together was always unparalleled to any I spent with somebody else, even if we were hiding out. Reading was easy since we both enjoyed it and we could split apart if we were surprised by unexpected company. I can’t even look at a book now.

I miss his hands on me. Anywhere, everywhere. Aside from the sheer pleasure they’d bring me, fire always spread through me anywhere he touched me. Now it’s like there’s a ghostly flickering of a flame, the remembrance of what had been, but no longer is a fire doused while the embers still glint, trying to reignite but missing their spark.

Our conversations were never dull; Lochlyn could talk about anything. What hurts the most is how much he brought up the future, being on campus together, even what he could see happening after graduation.

Listening to music makes me sad, reading makes me sad. Everything makes my eyes sting with a hint of fresh tears.

Am I always going to feel this way? Did I make the right decision? Will I be able to see him and not feel like my heart was ripped out and stomped on? He’s Chelsea’s brother, so I’m bound to be around him at some point. I’m pretty sure if I saw him right now, I’d die. Worse, what if I see him on campus with another girl? I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

I’m even more eager to leave home. Everywhere I go is filled with memories. My room, Chelsea’s house, the store. Nowhere is safe.

I worry about things that don’t matter anymore. How will I make my own way in the world without him? His carefree attitude, his want to embrace the good things in life, all helped me want to do the same. Now all I see is how that comes back to bite you in the ass.

Who’s going to stop him from becoming his dad if I’m not around to keep an eye on him? I’m the only one who knows he’s worried about that.

“I don’t even understand why you’re so upset. I mean, it’s Lochlyn.” The way Chelsea says his name is like it’s the most absurd thought that somebody could possibly have interest in him for more than his body.

But how can I explain to her that he was all I had wanted for so long? That I finally had him and lost him, because of her. That I love him, really and truly love him, more than I ever thought was even possible.

It’s only been two days when she asks me that. I’ve spent those two days crying.

I haven’t been back to Chelsea’s house since Lochlyn stormed out. I can’t. It hurts too much. I meet her out or she comes to my house, though I’m not very good company.

I’m thankful we only have three weeks until we leave for school. It makes avoiding their house easier. I can avoid Chelsea a bit too, claiming I need to get things together before we leave. Busying myself packing and buying new things helps take my mind off the big part of what’s missing from my equation.

When I’m at the store, I’m a zombie, going where I need to, doing what needs to be done, straightening in silence. I find myself in the backroom more than once, mostly by accident, not even sure how I got here. It’s like some part of me is wandering there hoping it’s a dream and I’ll walk in to his warming smile. But it gets too hard when the memories flood back. The conversations, the time we snuck in a make-out session in the back corner. Not even the place my mother has used as her escape is safe for me. Thereisno escape.

The one time Mom found me in tears, all she said was: “I tried to warn you.” Five words. None of which were comforting. None of which were something that should come from a mother to a distraught child.

Moving into the dorms contains none of the excitement it should. Mom doesn’t take off work, which I had anticipated, planned for. Lochlyn and I were going to drive up together. We’d planned to leave my car behind, claiming I didn't need it. He was going to help carry Chelsea’s and my things up to our room, help us get settled. Now, it’s just Chelsea and myself, and we’re both on edge still. I’m miserable, my chest aching at Lochlyn’s nonexistence, knowing he’s only minutes away yet completely unreachable. It pours into every action and conversation.

I hold resentment toward Chelsea and it shows in every exchange we have. Even sitting in silence, it rolls off me in waves. But I don’t know anybody else, and I don’t have it in me to try to meet new people.

Lochlyn was going to help me find all of my classes, get my books, anything he needed to do to help me be as ready for the first day as I could be. He knows I like to be prepared as far ahead of time as possible. Wandering around campus aimlessly, I’m struck with a flip of my stomach at every turn, hoping I both do and don’t see Lochlyn.

Part of me desperately wants to see him, to just be able to lay my eyes on him, but I don’t know what I’d do if I did. It’s not like I can go running into his arms. The pull to be near him and knowing I can’t would be too much. Right now, I’m not strong enough to resist, and that would only hurt both of us more.

I don’t even enjoy the library. The first time I stop in, tears spring to my eyes and I have to leave, unable to appreciate the wonder I had once so clearly seen. I feel his absence like a ghost, haunting me with every breath.

Any time Chelsea brings up his name, I flinch. Three weeks into classes, she’s had enough. “Come on, Shay, seriously. You made your choice.”

“A choice I shouldn’t have had to make. What’s so wrong with him, Chelsea? He’s your brother.” I glance up from my books to look at her. We’re sitting on her bed studying after class one day.

“And you’re my best friend.”

“So? Shouldn’t you just want us to be happy? Why does it matter if that’s with each other?”

“Because it’s weird for me, okay?”

---