Page 94 of Off Limits

“I need to let you both know where my head is at.”

“Oh.” He knows. He knows I’m about to break his heart, and mine along with it.

“Chelsea messaged me after you left the other day, said she wants an answer, so…” There’s a slight lift of my shoulder, but my body is too tired and sore to put any real oomph behind it.

“What doyouwant, Shay?”

“You know what I want doesn’t matter here. It’s Chelsea. You know she’s serious.”

“What you want has to matter.”

“I want both of you.”

“So make that happen.”

“How!? How am I supposed to do that? I don’t get what I want.” I turn away from him, resting my hand on the back of the couch as I try to hold myself together. I’ve thought over the possibilities, as many as I could think of in as many different variations, including telling her we broke up and hiding more. After rolling it over and over, I came up empty-handed, with not a single way to convince Chelsea that nothing has to change if Lochlyn and I are together. I can barely find her now after her bomb drop. If I choose Lochlyn, I’m sure I’d never see her again.

“Maybe it’s time you start.”

I release a tired breath. “You don’t get it. Chelsea may be selfish, but she was here for me and went through some of the worst times of my life with me. And it’s not your fault that you weren’t here. We weren’t together, you were at school. But Chelsea was. That counts for something. She stayed here formethis year. And as selfish as she may otherwise be, I love her.”

“So, you’re choosing Chelsea?”

“She’s my best friend.”

“You’re going away to college in a few weeks. You’ll make new friends.”

“I can’t lose her, Loch.”

“But you can lose me?”

Tears well in my eyes as I bite the inside of my lip and my heart cracks.

“Wow. That’s fucked up, Shay. I thought we had something here. I thought you loved me.” There’s no hint of hurt in his voice now, only irritation. On some level, I know it’s for self-preservation, but it slices through me like nothing ever has.

“I do love you!”

“Then why are you choosing her over me?” His raised voice causes my eyes to overflow. He’s at my side in an instant, hands cupping my chin and thumbs swiping away the tears. His voice is low when he speaks again. “I love you, Shay. I’minlove with you. I’d lose her before I lost you.”

I look up at him, my eyes pleading. How can he not understand what a difficult decision this is for me? Chelsea has put me in an impossible position. I’m having to choose between the man I love and the girl I consider my sister.

But I had spent years longing for Lochlyn with those feelings going unanswered, weeks where we only talked once a day and I had survived. These few days without Chelsea have been unbearable. I know losing Lochlyn will be excruciating and difficult. Losing Chelsea would be impossible.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. He drops his head. We stand there for a few minutes, tears pouring from my eyes, before he tilts my chin up and kisses me deeply, his tongue sweeping across mine with desperation.

But it’s not passion, it’s not resolve. No, this kiss…this kiss is goodbye.

He pulls away before I can even wrap my arms around him, storming through the living room, passing Chelsea as she walks in.

“You win, Chels, she’s all yours,” he says angrily as he walks out the front door, slamming it behind him.

Chelsea looks at me, a frown on her face. But she drops her things and walks over to wrap me in her arms. I collapse against her, pulling her down to the ground with me as my knees give out and my heart shatters.

Chapter 18

Idon’tseeLochlynagain after that day. The next day, he’s gone, leaving early to go back to Ithaca. Weston had been at the apartment most of the summer. Lochlyn had only stayed home to be with me. Now that we aren’t together, there’s nothing keeping him here.

Every single one of my senses is aware of Lochlyn’s absence. The deep timber of his voice always had a way to calm me, soothe me.

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