Page 93 of Off Limits

Pressing his forehead to mine, our noses brushing, he speaks so quietly. “I miss your laugh.” I haven’t so much as smiled since Chelsea stormed out.

“Nothing’s funny.”

His hand tangles in my hair at the back of my head. He pulls me so close, it’s like he’s trying to fuse us together. If only it were so easy.

In all the times I’d thought about how Chelsea would react, what she really meant when she said she wasn’t okay with it, I never expected her to do this. Chelsea’s never been cruel before. This, making me choose, is beyond cruel.

“Lochlyn. I need you to leave.” My throat hurts as I talk around the lump there.

“What?” He either isn’t trying to hide the shock in his voice or just isn’t doing a very good job.

“I can’t...I can’t think when you’re here. I need to think about everything and if you’re here, you’re all I want.” The past several weeks together have made me forget all about the many weeks we spent apart over the year.

“Wait, are you serious?” He leans back to look at me, hurt rippling across his features.

“Please don’t make this harder for me.”

“If you really want me to go, I’ll go. Is that really what you want?”

No. “Yes.” It comes out in the slightest hint of a whisper, one of the hardest syllables I’ve ever had to say.

As he tilts my head up, his lips meet mine tenderly, his fingers gentle on my chin. We haven’t had sex in three days and my body is begging to feel him again, but my mind can’t get there. I know he doesn’t want to leave, and in reality, I don’t want him to. But I need to think, and I can’t do it with him near me.

“I love you, Shay. No matter what, I love you.”

“I love you too.” I have to close my eyes to fight against the tears. The bed shifts as he moves to leave, then he hesitates, knowing the second he’s out the door, I’ll be a blubbering mess. I’m sure it’s tearing him apart inside to know that he won’t be here to comfort me. But he’s not leaving by choice; he’s leaving because I asked him to.

The bed shifts as his weight is removed, and I bite back a sob. I don’t need him feeling worse than I know he already does by falling apart before he’s gone. Warmth touches my hip as he rests his hand on it and leans down to give me a kiss on my temple. I fight the urge to turn to him and pull him back down in bed with me, keeping my eyes closed tightly, hands curled under my head.

At the click of the door, my eyes overflow, then the sobs start. Grabbing the pillow that has become Lochlyn’s, I hug it against myself and bawl into it. Then something changes and I start yelling into it. There are too many strong emotions coursing through me that I’m screaming as tears pour from my eyes, soaking the bedding below me.

I’m mad at the situation, at Chelsea, and even mad at Lochlyn for not fixing it like he said he would.

I’m mad at Dad. For leaving us, for destroying Mom.

I’m mad at Mom. For still being so broken.

For the first time, I really just feel angry at the world. I have nobody to turn to, nobody to help me. The last time I talked to Mom about Lochlyn, she basically said I wasn’t worth it to lose my father. That the life they had wasn’t worth the pain she feels. She won’t be of any help except to sayI told you so.

I’m alone, to make the hardest decision of my life, all on my own. Do I choose familiarity, comfort, history, or do I choose happiness?

Chapter 17

Ispendtwodaysutterly alone. Chelsea won’t talk to me, and I ignore Lochlyn. It kills me, but I can’t have his voice in my head as I work through things. I don’t leave him completely in the dark, though. He seems to understand that while I love him, I need some space. The hardest part is when I ask him to leave me alone until I come find him. My heart breaks a little when he listens.

It’s been five days since Chelsea walked out of my room, and in that time, I’ve barely slept, spending most of my time crying. My eyes are puffy, red, and tired. I text both the siblings and tell them to meet me at their house.

Standing outside, I take a deep breath and let myself in. Chelsea’s not here yet, and that may be a good thing.

The second Lochlyn sees me, his arms wrap around me and pulls me close, making the conversation we’re about to have so much more difficult.

“I missed you,” he says against my hair.

“I missed you too.” He’s holding me so tightly I can barely breathe, which may be a good thing since it keeps that sandalwood scent I love so much from filtering into my nose and overpowering my senses.

I’m going to crush him. He’s going to hate me and I’m going to lose the only thing that has ever made me really and truly happy.

“What did you want to talk about?” There’s no hiding his nerves.

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