Page 36 of Touch of Hate

I shake my head. “Not yet. I’ll tell them once I’m home, and everything is settled. I only decided a day or two ago that it is definite, though I’ve been thinking about it for a while.”

She chews her lip, eyes watering and her chin quivering. I feel like a slug. I should have told her before this, dammit. Though that would’ve left awkwardness between us, which I guess I was trying to avoid. Not to mention all the questions.

I’m sure she has some now—I didn’t want to give her time to think up more of them. It would be exhausting trying to keep track of all the lies I would have to tell, and the last thing I want to do is add more heaps of shit onto the heap of shit I just dished out.

“So what are you going to do? Do you have any plans yet?”

“I’m not sure.”

When my eyes dart away, she grunts. “Are you going to go to work with your brother instead?”

For a moment, I forgot the lie we told her about that. Years ago, when Tessa figured out Corium’s website was fake, we told her Corium was a made-up college to get our parents off Quinton’s back. We told her he and Ren were starting their own business. I guess she assumes Q carried on that business.

“What makes you assume that?”

“Why not? It’s sort of a family thing, right?” The disdain in her voice is evident, but it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with her parents.

It’s not up to me to tell her the things my aunt and uncle are hiding from her. This would be so much easier if I could tell the whole truth, but I’ve never been able to do that. If anything, that’s another reason this was never going to work out.

For the last year, I’ve been unable to be myself, even more so since there’s always a wall of lies between us. It’s one thing to spend an evening together, a weekend, a family vacation. Being together all the time, though? Having to watch what I say? No, this is better for everybody involved. I can’t break her heart and split the family.

Even though I’m already hurting her. It would be so much worse if she ever found out what our family really does.

Tessa is sweet and so innocent. She would break apart at the seams if she discovered the truth behind her father’s fortunes.

“I guess it’s an option,” I say, trying to make it sound like I’m still on the fence even though I’m not.

“I see.”

“I’m sorry. I really am. I know this is last minute, but I’m sure...” I don’t even have it in me to hand her some well-meaning but empty platitudes. The fact is, I’m not sure of anything. How can I be? I don’t even know what I’ll do tomorrow when I get home, so how could I predict what will happen in Tessa’s future?

“Are you sure there isn’t some other reason you’re doing this? I can’t shake the feeling you’re hiding something. And yeah, like, I know it’s your life to live, and you’re entitled to keep things to yourself, but I can’t help worrying, and you seem so sad. Is it really just because you’re unhappy here? Because I’ll tell you something,” she adds before I have the chance to come up with a response. “Something my mom told me a long time ago. I know it sounds corny, but...”

“Out with it,” I urge.

“Wherever you go, there you are.”

Yeah, I’m pretty sure they came up with that one back in the seventies or something. “Okay...”

“What it means is: it doesn’t matter where you are. You can’t get away from yourself. The things you’re feeling will still be inside you. You’re just changing your surroundings. It’s easy to think life will be different if we go someplace else. But you’re still going to feel the same way in here.” She touches a hand to her chest. “I just want to make sure that’s not what you’re doing to yourself.”

Wow. Grim. Well-intentioned but fucking grim from where I’m sitting.

“I appreciate it,” I whisper, on the edge of tears yet again. If I could get my emotions in check, this might all go more smoothly. “It’s disgustingly complicated, to be honest with you. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I only know this isn’t for me. Maybe I need to take a little time off in general. Figure myself out.”

“That makes sense.” Is she hoping I won’t leave after all?

“I’m sorry to leave you hanging like this.”

“Don’t even worry about that. I don’t want you hanging around here when you’re unhappy just to avoid inconveniencing me. What kind of person would that make me?”

She swipes her hand under her eyes before jumping to her feet. “Okay. Let’s get this finished up so we can go grab dinner.” Since we’ve already packed up the kitchen, it only makes sense to go out to eat on what is now going to be our final night as roommates.

That went better than I expected—these things usually do, I guess. I build them up in my head until they seem completely unmanageable, only to find out there wasn’t nearly so much to worry about. I should have known Tessa wouldn’t pry too deep. She isn’t that kind of person.

Still, I can’t bring myself to feel happy. I know damn well my troubles are my fault. Ren warned me a long time ago that it was useless to care about him. But I insisted, didn’t I? Look where that insistence got me: dragging my feet back to my room so I can pack the rest of my closet before hauling everything back to my parents’ house, where I know they’re going to be overjoyed that I finally broke down and decided to go to Corium, following in Quinton’s path.

I can’t even be happy about that. I’m numb inside. I might as well be dead at this rate. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel anything again, and I’m not sure I want to, come to think of it. Not when feeling things only ends up getting me hurt.

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