Page 30 of Dancin' with Demons

“How bad are the flashbacks this time?” he asks as he sinks to his knees next to the tub.

“Haven’t had any,” I say quickly, “I’m fine.”

Renegade shakes his head and sighs. “You’ve got tears runnin’ down your face, Raylynn, and the water is literally vibratin’ from you still shakin’. So, how about we do this again, and you stop tryin’ to lie to me? Whatever you’re dealin’ with in that head of yours, all your feelin’s, everythin’ that comes with this, let me help you carry it, little love. I can handle it.”

Sighing, I stare at the water sloshing back and forth as it hits my knees. “I usually only have them when I sleep. Weirdly enough, I haven’t had them since I started sharing a bed with you.” I glance over and Renegade’s got his eyes on my face, but his expression is pretty neutral. “More often than not, they’re actually of the night you found me, or the night I tried to kill myself. Today’s the first one that’s been from before you saved me.”

Renegade’s hand comes into my view and get gently peels my arms from around my knees, holding my hand in his as he turns it so that my wrist is facing up. His thumb shakes a little as he runs it over the long diagonal scar. I have a matching one on the other wrist that interrupts the Happy Birthday scar from Hard-On and Panda. “I’ve never felt so helpless in my life. There have been nights that I’ve woken up in a cold sweat and can still feel your blood caked all over my hands.”

I don’t look up, but instead keep my eyes on his thumb, moving soft and steady, back and forth. I can’t explain why, but him touching my scars is comforting, healing almost, in a way. “I was such a mess, Renegade. What happened that night had nothing to do with you and everything to do with how fucked up I was.”

“If I’d have been in that bed with you like I said I would, it wouldn’t have happened,” he snaps.

“It wouldn’t have happenedthatnight,” I say softly, bringing my other hand over to cover his thumb and holding it to my skin as I bring my eyes to his. “I would’ve tried again, and who knows how. If it didn’t happen that night, the next time might have been successful, and we wouldn’t be sitting here having this conversation. So, whatever guilt you’re carrying, Renegade, let it go, okay? Please?”

Leaning over the side of the tub, he gently presses his lips to mine. “Tell me about the flashback.”

“It, uh, was the day after they took me. Panda, I think he was the vice president, took me to the room you found me in for the first time. Told me exactly what the Havoc Ryders' plans were for me and that I wouldn’t be getting out of it any time soon.”

“Good to know,” Renegade says with a slight growl, “I’m still waiting to gut that fucking piece of shit.”

“So, he’s one of the ones that got away?” Renegade nods, his eyes searching my face. “What about Hard-On?” Again, he nods, and the breath I try to take kind of sticks in my throat. “Damn. I was hoping you’d killed those two.”

“Raylynn, listen to me,” Renegade says, his voice earnest as he reaches up to firmly grip the side of my neck, “I promise you, I’m gonna find them one day, and when I do, I’m gonna rip them to pieces for what they did to you.”

“Ifyou find them,” I whisper, bringing my arms back around my knees.

“No,” he says in a tone so deep and scary, my head snaps up and my eyes go right to his face, “notif, Raylynn.When. I will fuckin’ find them.”

Sighing, I sit up, and turn to kneel on the side of the tub. The moment the cool air hits my skin, I shiver, and Renegade’s eyes dip down and darken before coming back to my face. “I’m not really worried about getting revenge on them, Renegade.” Resting my arms on the side of the tub, I hold either side of his face between my hands. “Just promise me that no matter what, you’ll keep Savior safe.”

Renegade’s hands dip into the water and send a completely different kind of shiver through my body as his fingers trail up my bare sides. “Always, little love. And I’ll keep you safe, too. You have my word.”

“Okay,” I whisper, overly aware of the fact this moment, with his hands on me, there’s an ache between my legs that is completely strange to me after all this time. I also don’t want to admit how damn strong that ache is because that strength is directly tied to Renegade, and my heart and head aren’t on the same page yet. One says run like hell, the other says dive in with both feet.

“Get washed up, little love,” he finally says softly, his fingers still moving up and down my sides. I need to call Cat, and Miss Irene is joining us for dinner tomorrow, so we need to figure out what to make.”

My brows pull together. “She is?”

He finally smiles, and it’s sexy in a way I can’t describe— especially since Renegade doesn’t smile a lot on the first place. “Yeah. Savior wanted to see her today, so we stopped by, and she agreed to join us for dinner.”

As Renegade gets to his feet, he kisses my forehead, and cups the side of my face briefly before turning away and heading into the bedroom, leaving the bathroom door slightly cracked. It’s pretty obvious that leaving me in the bathroom makes him nervous, and I can’t blame him for that. Sighing, push myself to wash, making sure to condition my hair— otherwise it knots. It can’t be more than thirty or so minutes before I pull the plug out of the drain and stand, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around my body before stepping out of the tub. Getting one of the small towels from the closet, I wrap my hair before drying my body and putting on the pair of sweats and sports bra I left in here this morning.

Heading into the bedroom, I stop abruptly at Renegade sitting on the edge of the bed, one leg bend and fully on the mattress, the other hanging off the side— a brush and hair tie sitting on the bed next to him. “Hey.”

His eyes meet mine and he smirks. “Come sit, little love.”

Hesitantly, and not taking my eyes off him, I move to the side of the bed and stop next to him. Gently, He grabs my wrist and guides me to sit in front of him, my back facing him. With a softness a man his size shouldn’t even possess, he unwraps the towel from my head, tilts it back to my hair spills down my back, and proceeds to towel-dry my hair.

Just like he did the first night I ever spent with him.

I sigh in content, a little warmth blooming in my chest, as that memory flows through my mind, my eyes closing as a small smile comes to my lips.

“What are you thinkin’ about?” he says softly.

“The first time you ever did this for me,” I say, keeping my voice just as quiet.

Renegade chuckles. “I remember that, too.” The brush touches my head and I shiver. “I enjoy doin’ this for you.”

---