Page 124 of Beautifully Scarred

He clears his throat and stands. “It’s fine. I have to fly home tomorrow morning, but I want to see Monica before I leave.”

“Okay, sure. Do you want to come for dinner again tonight?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’ll come by after to play with her before she goes to bed.”

I nod.

“Okay then.” He stomps out the front door without a backward glance.

I hear his truck start up and drive off. I sit in the corner of my couch and let the conversation sink in. For years I’ve dreaded what just happened, my actions like a shackle around my neck. The load was too heavy to carry at times, but my selfishness always made excuses for my decisions.

I’m still wary. I’m still uncertain. Having Jimmy in my life without actuallyhavinghim will be a new weight to bear, but the joy for my daughter to have a man like Jimmy be a real father to her overrides the burden.

Chapter Fifty-four

JIMMY

The moment she pressed her body to mine, I had no choice. I needed to get out of her house. There was nothing sexual about her hug, but my body reacted. My arms almost welcomed her back. Nuzzling my head into her neck and allowing some closure to the past would have been easy. I consoled my guilty conscience by telling myself it was all psychology—a Pavlovian response to her. Especially when I’d been away from my fiancée for so long. But it’s a lie. It’s all Lilah.

I’m not worried about overstepping the line. I would never do that to Adelaide. My head is fucked up enough without adding another layer of deceit. Iamworried about co-parenting with a woman who still holds some power over me.

I drive straight to my hotel room and lie on the shitty hotel bed with my arm over my forehead, staring at the popcorn-painted ceiling and going over every fact Lilah told me. A part of me understands why she didn’t tell me about Monica, but it doesn’t excuse it. Then again, Lilah was always one to run from problems. If she found herself in the same situation now, I’m not sure the new Lilah I’ve seen in the last two days would do the same thing. Despite everything, it's clear our daughter’s well-being is her top priority.

One good part about having crappy parents and a shitty life growing up, you learn not to steep in anger until you’re toxic. I’ll force myself to find a way to be around Monica without showing animosity to her mother. I’m going to have to put Lilah in the category of "daughter’s mother" and nothing more.

“This is so fucked up.”

With the issues of Lilah sectioned off in my mind, Adelaide slips into her spot.

Shit. I have to tell Adelaide on Friday.

I wish time would slow down. How will Adelaide react? She doesn’t even want to be a mother—something I begrudgingly accepted because I love her and thought eventually her feelings might change. Will she accept the role of stepmother?

Rolling over, I grab my phone off the nightstand. I press Tripp’s name.

He answers on the first ring as if he’s telepathic and knows how badly I need to talk to him. “Hey, man. You take care of that thing we talked about last time?”

He must not be alone.

“I did.”

He moves the phone away and tells whoever he’s with he’ll be back. I hate that I keep interrupting his tour with my bullshit. “Sorry, I’m grabbing a bite at a restaurant in Paris before the show. How’d it go?”

The sound of a noisy restaurant dims.

“Not as expected.”

“Stop being so fucking cryptic.” A flick of his lighter and a deep inhale. I could use a cigarette right now and I don’t even smoke.

“I have a daughter.” The words rush out with an uncontrollable need to put it all out there. A strange sense of relief and pride fills my chest.

Tripp coughs into the phone before gathering himself. “The fuck? We must have a bad connection. Did you just say that you have a daughter?”

I sigh. “Yep. When I got here, she answered the door. I knew as soon as I saw her.”

“Lilah was pregnant and she never told you?” he yells.

“Pipe down. The last thing I need is someone eavesdropping and putting two and two together.”

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