Page 29 of Written in the Charts

“I left it there. I can’t look at it.”

She had Isla out of her coat, and Jenson’s coat was open in the front as he sat sleeping in his car seat. His angelic face made me cry. I had held it together until that moment, but seeing how sweet he was had me torn up. My emotions were so conflicted.

I wanted a baby, but I didn’t want to complicate things at all. Not only would I have to tell Dr. Marshal I was pregnant and would likely need time off for doctor’s visits, but I had to face my fear. My biggest fear. That I couldn’t carry children. That my body would reject every pregnancy the way it had the first one. The doctor warned me that women who have a stillbirth or miscarriage are at a higher risk of it happening in the future.

“Hold her. I’ll go look.” Maggie stood and passed Isla to me. The weight of her tiny body in my arms was comforting. I sat where Maggie had been seated, right next to where Jenson’s car seat sat on the floor. These two little guys were Maggie’s whole world. She was a terrific mother too, an inspiration. She was the reason I wanted to be a mother after so many years of swearing I’d never have kids. That pain of losing my daughter had been too great, but Maggie’s joy in motherhood had changed everything.

I bounced Isla, placing soft kisses on her head. If I was pregnant, it wouldn’t be so bad. I would love it. I was just tormented by this fear that the same thing would happen to me again and again. That was the part I couldn’t live with. It was the part I couldn’t even tell other people about. No one would understand.

I couldn’t read Maggie’s expression when she returned. She kept her face calm and sat next to me. I had to pry it out of her.

“Well? What did it say?” My heart pounded. My tongue felt like it clung to the roof of my mouth. If I weren’t holding Isla, Maggie would have seen my hands shaking. The anticipation was killing me.

“It’s positive. You’re pregnant.” She smiled at me and reached for Isla instinctively. She had to have known I’d probably drop her or something. I didn’t know whether I should laugh or cry or tear my hair out. The news hit me like a ton of bricks. I had suspected I was pregnant, but now that IknewI was, everything changed.

“Oh, my God, Maggie.” My mind raced. “What will Evan think? And what about my residency, my schooling? How will I manage the workload? You got so tired. I won’t be able to keep up, and what if the morning sickness is really bad? I’ve already felt a little off and—”

“Gypsy,” Maggie said, “calm down.” She bounced Isla on her knee. “It’s going to be great. It’s an adventure for sure, but you’ll be a great mom. I’ve seen you with the twins. I am so happy for you.”

At the very instant she was praising my potential parenting skills, I felt nausea wash over me for the second time today. “Maggie, what if something horrible happens and I lose the baby like I did Chloe?”

A foreboding sense of unease gripped me. No one had told me what caused placenta previa or why it was so dangerous the first time around. I had waited to seek prenatal care because I wanted to tell Evan first. Had that contributed to the problem? If I had gone sooner, would they have been able to save her?

“You’re overthinking things, Gypsy. Just take a few hours or days to settle in and get used to the idea.”

“I have to tell Evan right away.” I plunged my finger into my mouth and started chewing on the tiny nub of fingernail that was left. “But what if I tell him and then I miscarry?” The indecision was killing me. It had been killing me for two days now.

“You want my advice?” Maggie was good like that, offering sound wisdom when I needed it most. I eagerly nodded, my finger never leaving my mouth. “I think you should be comfortable with whatever it is you feel about this pregnancy before you tell anyone else. I feel honored and humbled that you’d let me be a part of this moment with you, finding out.”

“Are you kidding? Me, do this alone?” I chuckled and sighed at the same time. “I needed you here more than you know.”

“Well, you should adjust first. Otherwise, when you tell Evan, his emotions about it will change how you feel. This is happening to your body, and you have to be okay with it first and foremost. When you are ready, then you tell him. But definitely find a great doctor right away.” She winked at me. “I know a great one.”

The joke didn’t escape me, but I was too hyped up to laugh. Of course I’d see Derek as my doctor, if I got enough nerve to even tell anyone I was pregnant. It was all a lot to process. Maggie was right. I had to be okay with this before telling anyone else, but the sooner I got checked out, the better. I would need vitamins for sure, and maybe other things I hadn’t even thought of, like a healthy eating and exercise plan.

And I needed to figure out how to conquer my fear of losing this baby the way I had my first. Otherwise, I’d never be ready to tell Evan.

CHAPTERNINETEEN

Evan

I had been fighting a damned limp again after getting on my hands and knees to dry up a spill on my carpet this morning. It wasn’t anything major, and I figured it would go away by the time I was done with work, but Serah caught me favoring my right leg as I stood in line for lunch. When I had my food trayed up, I noticed her watching every step I took. She sat at a table across the room by herself, so I decided I’d sit with her and try to smooth things over.

The limp was easier to mask if I stopped every few steps and spoke to someone, so that’s what I did. And when I had the stretch of about ten paces between myself and where she sat, I gritted my teeth and ignored the pain, feeling her intense stare on me every inch of the way. The minute I sat down, I felt a huge relief.

“Serah...”

“That’s Captain Jones to you, Sergeant.” She stabbed her roasted potatoes with her fork and did not look up at me, so I sighed softly and focused on my meal. I knew I had upset her, but I hadn’t realized that it had been this bad. We’d had arguments before, but she’d never gone all “rank and authority” on me.

I took a bite of my corn, not as good as corn on the cob but buttered and peppered. It was decent. Usually, I’d make a wry comment about how corn reminded me of shark eyes when it came out the other end and Serah or the guys would laugh at it, which would cause a discussion about the types of foods we ate and which ones looked the same going in and coming out. Today, however, I could tell she wasn’t in the mood.

The cafeteria was noisy as usual, people clanging their dishes together, forks scraping across plates, conversations of all sorts happening. It made the table we sat at feel like a deserted island. I glanced at Serah, who was nearly done eating, no doubt trying to finish as quickly as possible. Maybe she wished I hadn’t even sat down next to her. I felt discouraged that the one good friend I had here on base was now so upset with me that she wouldn’t speak to me, and I knew it was my fault.

“Listen, I’m sorry for acting like an ass. Pain does that to me, and it wasn’t just the physical stuff, okay?” I thought of how everything piled up on top of me and I’d snapped. The physical pain made the emotional shit get out of control, and I’d taken that out on her when I shouldn’t have. “And I’m not just trying to save face and stay out of trouble. I don’t think of you as a superior. I think of you as a friend, and I dropped the ball on that friendship. I’m sorry.”

The chill in the room made my food cool off so quickly it was practically cold already. And Serah’s attitude further compounded the cold atmosphere. She looked at me with a side eye and pursed her lips. “You think of me as a friend, yet you still think you’re better than me?”

“What?” I sat straighter, angling to look at her better, and she did the same. Her fork remained in her hand, dangling over her potatoes, but her attention wasn’t on her plate.

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