Page 6 of Beautifully Damaged

The way Ben stared at Joey without blinking had Joey a bit scared Ben would shut him down. That wasn’t true. He wasn’t a little scared. He was fucking terrified. This one scheme was the only shot Joey had at forgiveness. He couldn’t miss it.

Finally, Ben growled and yanked open the door. “Fine, but don’t fucking call me cookie.”

Joey grabbed the sunglasses that hung on his collar and plopped them on his face. “But you’re still my favorite snack.” With a laugh, Joey hit the gas before Ben could jump from the truck. He had Ben now. Joey had no idea where they were headed, but he wasn’t looking back. It was time to change the past.

They made it ten miles in complete silence before Ben broke. “I can’t believe you took a fucking Uber.”

Joey laughed. He was happier than he had been in years. It didn’t matter that Ben was still angry with him. They were together. “It was an old man. He didn’t recognize me. But he told me I’m too old for crazy-colored hair. So there’s that.” Joey glanced over just in time to catch Ben hiding a smile. His stomach muscles automatically clenched. Joey had made a lot of mistakes in his life. None as big as losing Ben. They had toured together for two years. Ben had secretly warmed his bed nearly the entire time, even going as far as living with Joey under the guise of doing extra work for him. Then Joey had destroyed them the way he did everything. It was the only bad decision he couldn’t live with. Every day when he woke up, knowing Ben was out there somewhere hating him, was a day Joey stayed stuck in self-destruct mode. He didn’t know how to fix things or even what he hoped to gain from this trip, but he knew he had to be here. He had to make things right. Otherwise, he couldn’t live with himself any longer.

ChapterThree

Havasu Falls,Arizona. Ben should have known Joey would find the most beautiful spot in the world with the most tormenting memories. He had a knack for finding hidden places and wrecking Ben’s heart. After an hour of driving, Joey had pulled into an RV dealership and bought a camping trailer. While they were there, Joey had sweet-talked a girl at the front desk into going grocery shopping for them and grabbing all the supplies they needed for their trip. He had given her a two-hundred-dollar tip, making her day. Ben had shaken his head and asked zero questions, even though he had plenty. He had learned a long time ago Joey would do what he wanted. Ben was just along for the ride. Then they had driven another twelve hours while Joey refused to tell Ben where they were headed. He had barely fought back a groan when Joey pulled into the campground at the edge of Havasu. Ben refused to show any reaction. He wouldn’t give Joey the satisfaction.

Joey wasn’t one to be ignored. He bounced in his seat as he parked. “Look. It’s your favorite place.”

Ben hated Joey remembered that. “Not anymore.”

The happiness drained from Joey’s features. “Oh. I guess I’ll pick someplace different tomorrow.” He slid from the truck without looking back.

Ben fought the urge to bang his head on the dashboard. He had never understood how he could be the wronged party, and yet Joey still found a way to make him feel like the bad guy. With nothing for it, Ben stepped from the truck and moved to help Joey with the trailer. Side by side, they extended the sides and hooked up the utilities.

“This is a nice camper,” Ben said after a few minutes, hoping to lighten the heaviness in the air. “How do you plan to get it back to L.A.?”

Without looking his way, Joey shrugged. “You know me. I never think anything through. You can keep it, if you want.”

Despite everything, Ben smiled. Joey was a lot of bad things, but he was also extremely generous. “I live in an apartment, monster. I have no place to put a camper.” Too late, Ben realized what he had said. Monster had always been Ben’s nickname for Joey. He hadn’t meant to say it. The name had simply slipped from his lips, as if no time had passed.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there, I guess. You should take the first shower. I’ll unpack our stuff.”

For a moment, Ben stared at Joey’s profile in silence. There was something about Joey that wasn’t quite the same. Something brittle. It wasn’t Ben’s job to figure it out, so he headed inside.

Considering it had been a while since he last stayed in a camper and this one was new; it took him a minute to figure out the shower. Once he did, he didn’t linger long. The space was almost too narrow for his wide frame, and there was very little hot water. More than anything, he wanted to go to sleep and pretend it was a day like any other. Maybe tomorrow he would wake to find this entire situation had been a vivid nightmare.

As he dug through the bag Joey had packed for him, looking for his toothbrush, he found a small stuffed mouse in his bag. It was probably the cheapest gift Joey had ever given him. That was why Ben had always liked it the most. He had left it behind when he walked away from Joey. Ben couldn’t believe Joey had kept it this long. But he also couldn’t risk looking too closely at Joey’s motives. Ben had given Joey his whole heart. He had been all in. If Joey had told him they were running away, changing their names, and living off dandelions, Ben would have gone with him in a second. All the way to the end. Ride or die. It turned out being with Joey was all die and no ride because he had been a secret. Not a single person had known about them, and Ben hadn’t known about the string of women Joey had been fucking behind his back until he caught two of them in Joey’s bed.

Ben stuffed the mouse back in the bag and brushed his teeth. He couldn’t look at his reflection and see the pain that still lived there. Ben didn’t know why it wouldn’t lessen. Every time he thought about Joey, the wounds were as fresh as the day they were made. Now, here Joey was again. Ben didn’t know how to survive it.

The poundingat his temples had Joey ready to puke. While bent at the waist, he kept his forehead pressed against the cool granite countertop next to the sink. He couldn’t stop thinking about Ben calling him monster. At one time, it had been a cute nickname since Ben was his cookie. Now it felt like a fitting title. Somewhere along the line, Joey had become someone else. He didn’t mean the legal change of his last name from Wayne to Kickstart. Joey also didn’t mean the entire overhaul of his appearance to please a crowd. Something had shifted on a deeper level. He didn’t feel the way he used to about a lot of things. Joey didn’t think there was any going back.

“Are you okay?”

Joey quickly straightened when Ben appeared at his side. “Yeah. Did you leave me any hot water?” Ben was shirtless. The muscles in Joey’s chest twitched as he physically fought the urge to press against Ben and take the hug he wanted. He missed being held. Joey felt vulnerable in a way he hadn’t in long time.

“I tried.”

Joey tried for a smile. Even to Joey, it felt brittle. “That’s okay. A cold shower will probably do me good.” Joey kept his gaze averted as he grabbed his overnight bag and headed inside the bathroom. He avoided his reflection as he peeled off his hoodie and t-shirt. His head spun. Joey sat on the toilet before he fell. Red seeped through the bandages on his wrists. Joey peeled them off and checked the stitches that ran from his wrists to the inside of his elbow on both arms. They were still fine. Nothing had burst open. It was just normal drainage.

The bathroom door flew open. “I forgot to mention…”

Joey’s chin shot up.

Ben stood frozen mid-speech with his gaze locked on Joey’s arms. Joey didn’t move. There was no sense in trying to hide anything now. Even the air seemed to hold its breath while Ben stared at him in silence. Joey could hear his pulse pounding in his ears. He was dizzy as hell. His weakened state beat him. He had been faking being well for too long.

“Do you mind grabbing the makeup wipes from my bag? I don’t think I have the strength to take a shower after all.”

Ben blinked, as if waking up from a trance. With a nod, he grabbed Joey’s bag and unzipped it. After a minute of digging around, he came out with the wipes. He dropped to his haunches at Joey’s side and went to work, wiping away Joey’s makeup. Tears pressed at the backs of Joey’s eyes. He was so tired. Mentally and physically, Joey was completely drained. With Ben touching him, Joey wanted to cry, but he didn’t have the strength.

They were several wipes in before Ben said anything. “Your makeup was doing a damn good job of hiding some really dark circles under your eyes. I’d ask you to tell me what happened, but I know you wouldn’t volunteer any information. So I’m demanding answers, because you owe me that much, and I just let you drive me thirteen hours while half dead and faking it.”

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