Page 131 of Spearcrest Knight

“What I don’t understand,” he says, frowning at his copy ofPersuasion, “is why she doesn’t just tell Wentworth how she feels.”

I look up from my notes and raise my eyebrows at him. “How could she possibly? Think about it. It was her fault she let him go, her fault she listened to the wrong people, her fault she gave up what she wanted.”

“Well, she really is a fucking idiot,” Evan mumbles.

Still, he makes a note of what I just told him. I pick up my book, peering at him over the pages and watching him as he writes.

“Why?” I finally ask.

He looks up and gives a rueful sigh, as though he’s become the living embodiment of Anne Elliot herself. “Because she wasted all that time for nothing, absolutely nothing. All that time she spends suffering, she could have been with him. But she just ruined everything for herself and then was too paralysed by her own mistake to do anything about it.”

I put my book back down. “Aren’t you being a little too hard on her? She was young and she fucked up. It happened. So what? Should she pay for this mistake for the rest of her life?”

He looks up suddenly, a frown on his face. “Isn’t that what you’re making me do?”

I glare at him. “You’re not Anne Elliot.”

“I know I’m not. She accepts defeat way too easily. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m willing to fight for what I want, even when the odds are against me.”

My heart is beating much too fast for a conversation about a Jane Austen book, which this conversation is rapidly moving away from. I sigh and look back down at my book.

“Don’t knock Anne,” I tell him, a little more calmly. “She ends up getting what she wants in the end.”

Evan seems to relent, too, because he brushes his hand through his hair in that sheepish way of his and mutters, “Only because Wentworth is kind enough to forgive her.”

I sneak a glance at him, but his gaze is fixed on the pages of his book. I hesitate, then say, “Yeah, well… I doubt Wentworth would have forgiven her if he wasn’t head over heels in love with her the whole time, even while he was angry at her.”

Evan looks sharply back up and stares at me. I stare back at him, blinking slowly. His eyes narrow.

“I don’t get it,” he says quietly. “Are we still talking about the book or are we talking about us?”

“There is no us.”

“Right. Right, yes. But there could be. Right?”

“Evan.” I cross my arms and lean forward, to make sure I’m looking him dead in the face before explaining this to him. “You’re not Anne. You just want something you can’t have exactlybecauseyou don’t have it. The moment you do, you’ll move on.”

“Don’t you think that if it was that easy to get over you, I would already have?” There’s a desperate edge to Evan’s voice. “It’s not like I’ve not tried, Sophie. But even when I’m not thinking about you, you’re still there, on the edge of my thoughts. And when I close my eyes I just see you and your hair and eyes and your stupid frown you always have like an angry librarian who disapproves of everything and everyone. I want you so much I feel constantly empty, even when I have everything I want. At Christmas, I wasn’t happy because I wasn’t alone. I was happy because I was withyou. Just because I’m not like you, because I don’t get excited about university and a job, doesn’t mean I live completely aimlessly. It’s just that anything I imagine for my future feels worthless if you’re not there to share it with me.”

I’m so lost for words all I can do is stare mutely at him as he speaks, then he stops and we just stare at each other, my heart in my mouth.

“I don’t know what to even say to that,” I mumble.

“Then don’t say anything. I just wanted you to know. Besides, you said that if I spoke about anything other than Persuasion, you’d have me kicked out of the library.”

We fall back into silence, and leave soon after, ushered out by the librarian who tells us the teachers are using the library for a staff twilight session. I sheepishly bid Evan goodbye, but I make sure to text him when I get back to my dorm.

“Good luck with the exam, Anne. x”

“Haha. Thanks, Wentworth. Good luck to you too. Love you x.”

40

One Day

Evan

Maybeit’sbecauseofmy newfound understanding of Anne Elliot, or maybe it’s because of Sophie’s good luck message, but I come out of the last Lit exam feeling more confident than I’ve felt after any exam. Maybe that’s partly due to the fact that this is also the last exam of the year, it’s hard to tell. Either way, I emerge from the hall and into bright sunlight, so full of positivity that I grab Zach as soon as I see him and hug him so tight that he goes slightly purple in the face.

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