Page 6 of Love Rescheduled

“My first anchor is myself. I’m in control of my destiny. I can also eliminate excuses for why I can’t do something.” That thought struck me so much, I gasped.

Alec dropped the pen he was using to jot down notes about our session, a sneaky smile on his face. “Did something illuminate you?”

I swallowed hard, a bit freaked out by how much the thought resonated with me. “Well … if I really want to find love and be married before I turn thirty, I need to stop generating excuses for why I can’t and focus on how I can.”

“Very good. I’m putting a figurative star on your chart.”

I rolled my eyes, even though I secretly loved the fake stars and chart. “Alec, is this too crazy?”

“Only you can answer that. Remember when we talked about your ego and that it’s shaped by the very first voices in your life?”

“Yeah,” I murmured, thinking of that poignant conversation I had recounted many times. For good and bad, my parents’ voices lived in my head. On one hand, they had driven me to be better, as I refused to be anything like them. I did everything I could to get a college education and live a steady life. On the other hand, they had crippled me and brought me to my knees. Even now I could hear them calling me “Fatty” as I went through my chubby adolescent phase before I’d thinned out. Or “Bucky” because of the teeth I had spent a fortune to fix as soon as I was old enough to get a solid paying job. And I had gone to therapy to learn to love my body, mostly. Now I could recognize their manipulations and harsh words were caused by their own exposure to mental and emotional abuse, which stunted their maturity. Despite those things, I still exercised religiously and was super careful about what I ate because I hadn’t rid myself of those nagging voices. I never wanted to be that awkward girl again. But I also wanted to hug that girl as fiercely as I could and love her until she embraced all the awkwardness. Until she didn’t feel the need to hide from the world.

“Natalie, for you, unfortunately, that voice is your parents, who, let’s be real, had no right raising a child.” That was the truth. “They led you to believe you were always less, always undeserving. You need to work on becoming the voice you hear.”

“I’m trying.”

“I know. If your voice is telling you this is something you should do, then I would listen to it.”

“Even though off the record you think it’s crazy?”

“Listen, some of the greatest accomplishments in the world started with a crazy idea. Maybe this is what you need to help you become the Natalie you want to be. Not to say you need a partner to accomplish that. Honestly, you may not make it down the aisle before you’re thirty. But you may learn a lot about yourself chasing this dream with all your heart. Perhaps you’ll even find some ways to let go. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll discover you deserve all the happiness you’ve envisioned for yourself.”

That was a lovely, lovely thought.

I let out a long breath. “So, I’m doing this?”

“Is that a question or a statement?”

I paused for a moment, blocking out all the reasons I couldn’t do this. Maybe even shouldn’t. But something deep inside told me to go for it. Be the Natalie I wanted to be. The truth is, I wanted to be in love again and share my life with someone besides Lord Mac. He was so cold in the mornings. I wanted a warm body to wake up next to, with a gravelly voice that spoke of how lucky he was to open his eyes and see me first thing in the morning. I wanted someone to challenge me, like Tara and Jolene do when I get too rigid in my way of thinking and doing things. The only way to accomplish that was to dive right into the water. My shoreline would be September thirtieth. I was wickedly good at making my schedules work out. Why not this one?

I looked Alec straight in the eye. “I’m doing this.”

“I can’t believe you are really doing this,” Tara said. “I mean, I think it’s great, but I can’t believe it.”

“You and me both, but you know how I loathe to cancel anything on my schedule,” I half teased. Canceling events really caused me angst. With that said, I was calling her out of the blue, which I hardly ever did. But I thought she and Jolene should be the first to know. And I figured I better tell them so I could hold myself accountable to them. Tara was first to know because Jolene was on a call with her agent.

“You’re hilarious,” she quipped. “So, what’s your plan?”

“Well, Hal and Stu are working on some local prospects for me. I gave them a list of requirements.”

Tara snorted. “Let me guess: it’s alphabetized and ranked in order of importance.”

I cleared my throat. “Maybe. This is important stuff here. Like, the most important decision of my life.”

“And here I thought it was whether I should wear bikini or brief undies,” she teased me.

“Oh, ha ha. But hipster is the way to go. A little more coverage than the bikini cut, but just as comfortable as the briefs.”

“Huh. Looks like I need to go undie shopping. After you tell me what brought on this burst of empowerment.”

I pulled my knees up to my chest and snuggled more into the corner of my couch. “I’m tired of being alone. But mostly I’m done being exhausted by battling the fear of being myself. Does that make sense?”

“I think so.”

“It’s like I have this someone inside me desperate to get out and see what she can do if I would just let her.”

“I’ve met that girl a few times. I like her; she’s a lot of fun. But you know I will always love you, no matter who you are.”

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