Page 56 of Love Rescheduled

He gripped the swing chains and leaned in closer. “Hmm. Rescheduling love? That could work. Assuming you’re talking about us.”

“Definitely us … Always us.”

“HOW’S IT GOING?” ALEC ASKED with a big, toothy grin.

I curled my feet under me as I sat on the cozy couch in the afternoon light filling Josh’s parents’ sunroom. Josh had returned to Nashville a few weeks ago, so I was visiting him while he attempted to hash out the purchase of Laugh on Tap. He was in serious negotiations with Mikey and his team of lawyers. Josh had lawyered up, too. What a whirlwind several weeks it had been. I have to admit: it surprised me how business savvy Josh is. He’d graduated with a degree in business well over a decade ago, but he’d always called it a throwaway degree because he never intended to use it.

“I feel like when you ask me that now, you already know the answer.” Josh talked to him more than I did. Not only was Alec doing relationship coaching with the both of us, but he was helping Josh identify what was most important for him career-wise and personally. Personally, I was at the top of his list.

“Girl, you know that you’re still my favorite. Don’t tell any of my other clients that.”

“Your secret is safe with me.” I smiled.

“But really, how are you?”

I thought back through the last six weeks, starting with New Year’s Day, when I’d discovered I had scheduled my wedding. How crazy it seemed. Even crazier now that I might very well keep that September date. Josh was all for it. He was just waiting for me to say the word. In my heart, I knew I would eventually ask for the ring. The ring I had thought about so often. What did it look like? Where did he keep it? How much pain had it caused Josh to carry it around with him all these years? I asked him why he’d kept it, and he said because the ring belonged to me and he wasn’t willing to let go of anything he equated with me. When he said things like that, I wanted to rush headlong into our future.

With both Josh’s and Alec’s encouragement, I had gone back to therapy. This time with a therapist specializing in childhood trauma. Dr. Stone was helping me heal that little girl inside me. She was helping me understand I needed to give validation to that girl and acknowledge her as a victim, but it didn’t mean I had to be one. It was kind of odd for me at first, but Dr. Stone was teaching me how to be the mother the girl inside me never had but desperately needed. It was weird to talk to myself in such a manner. To say things to myself like, “You matter. You’re safe. I will support and protect you.” These affirmations helped me talk adult me down when I began worrying what others might think about me or even say about me. It made it easier now to stop and think what I as a mother would say to my own child. It was amazing how much that perspective had helped me. Not to say I was anywhere close to perfect at it, but at least it gave me enough courage to be with the man I love.

“I’m doing well. I’m mostly enjoying the course you recommended from your friend.” It was a ten-day workshop on how to train your brain to stop destructive thought patterns.

Alec chuckled. “It’s uncomfortable for you, I take it?”

“You could say that, but only because it’s hard to let go. Why is it so difficult to let go of things we know are bad for us?”

“Because it means letting go of part of yourself. I think we fear what might replace those pieces we slough off. But here’s a hint: your best-self fills in the gap.”

“That’s the hope.”

“I think you’re doing a great job. What do you want to be coached on today?”

I sat back and smiled. “I don’t even know where to begin. There’s so much going on. Josh and I are trying to strike a good balance between my rigid schedule and his laissez-faire approach and a long-distance relationship.” I’d told Josh I wouldn’t move back to Nashville unless we were married. That seemed like a good compromise, especially since we had spent so much time apart the last few years. We weren’t exactly thrilled with the physical distance between us now, but it wasn’t like last time. Somehow, I think we innately knew we were going to last. This wasn’t a zero-sum game, so the physical separation was more bearable.

“How’s that going?”

I turned my head from side to side. “We haven’t killed each other yet.” I smiled, thinking of our daily battle of wills when we were together. Let’s just say there was a lot of making up on those nights, which almost led me to believe Josh was purposely being stubborn. He was an evil genius.

Alec barked out a laugh. “When it comes to compromising, what are your goals?”

“I’m hoping to avoid jail time,” I joked.

Alec rolled his eyes.

“Okay. Honestly, it’s getting better, especially since Josh has more work things to focus on. And when we are together, I shift my work to the hours between eight and five because Josh believes we should leave evenings open for spontaneous fun on the nights he isn’t performing.”

“Yes, how did you feel attending his show last night?” Last week, Alec had helped me visualize attending and not feeling uncomfortable or like an outsider. He helped me to see I am worthy to be there as Josh’s girlfriend.

I thought back to the night before at Laugh on Tap. Jolene and Josh had both performed. I’d sat right up front, which I never had before. I was used to watching him from backstage. But I’d learned that Josh had always wished he could look out into the crowd and see me. I knew Jolene felt the same way. I was finally starting to believe these wonderful people truly love me and want me in their lives. Watching their shows from the crowd was the least I could do to show them how much they mean to me.

However, Tara had to hold my hand through it all, literally and figuratively. There was still a lot of buzz going around about Josh and me. Including his fallout with Zac and the stupid joke he’d told about how I scheduled everything. Quite a few times last night I had to close my eyes and calm the little girl in me. It was worth it as Jolene and Josh brought down the house. There was a sweet moment at the end before Josh exited the stage where he’d pointed at me and mouthed, “I love you.” I’d gone so far as to attend the after-party. I read a book in the corner … but this time it was from Josh’s lap. It was all about the give and take. Josh had me by his side, and I didn’t have to people all that much.

“I’m not going to lie,” I responded to Alec. “It wasn’t easy, but I walked away from it mostly unscathed. Maybe even a little proud of myself.” Especially when Josh had me pose in a picture with him for some fans. Totally not my thing, but I was grateful it was me he wanted to put his arms around and not anyone else.

“Girl, you are getting a star on your chart.”

I bowed. “Thank you.”

“What can we do to help keep you moving forward on this path to a healthier, happier you?”

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