Page 4 of Love Rescheduled

I took in a deep breath of the invigorating air while looking around at the old neighborhood, the place I had felt the most secure throughout my life. Well … perhaps Josh’s arms won that honor. Unfortunately, he was, in general, way out of my comfort zone. It was fine. He had moved on and I … well, I was reconciled to the fact that we were incompatible. He would probably be in bed for another six hours, sleeping on unwashed sheets. And when he rolled out of bed, he would throw on jeans he’d previously worn at least three times.

A vision of a shirtless Josh wearing only jeans popped into my head. I squeezed my eyes shut as if that would help put out the flames of desire roaring inside as I thought of how amazing it felt to lay my head in the softness of the chest hair covering his defined pectorals. I loved the way his fingers would dance down my arm as he spoke about how lucky he was to have me in his life.

I ran a hand through my red pixie-styled hair, making myself think of his kitchen and living room stacked with a disgusting number of takeout boxes and crusty dirty dishes. Then his fans accosting him everywhere we went. Especially the female variety. Anything to remember all the reasons it hadn’t worked between us and never would.

I walked down the brick porch steps, remembering time spent on them with Nana snapping green beans. She was from a forgotten generation of women who grew sizable gardens and canned anything they could. She was a penny pincher extraordinaire and would say things like, “You can never get enough of what you don’t need.” Yet, when she was able, she always did what she could for me, whether it was a new pair of shoes or a book. Mostly, she just loved me for who I was. And she gave me probably the best and possibly the worst advice of my life. She would say, “Natalie, most things in life are out of your control, but you can always control your emotions and how you respond to any situation that arises.” Boy, had I ever taken that advice to heart. I was sure she hadn’t meant for me to become a control freak, for lack of a better phrase. But when you had parents like mine who obviously didn’t care to be raising a child and believed children should be seen but not heard, you coped by learning how to be invisible. I became so good at it, that’s where I felt the most comfortable. I did anything I could not to be noticed by people. It didn’t help that when people did notice me, it was for something horribly embarrassing. Like the time I thought maybe if I did something amazing, my parents might actually be proud of me and love me, so I entered my junior high’s talent contest. You heard that right.

Have you ever seen the movie About a Boy? Unfortunately, that poor kid’s experience mirrored my own, except I didn’t have a Hugh Grant type to jump up on the stage and save me. Perhaps the kids at my school weren’t as awful as the ones in the movie. No booing, but there was a lot of laughter. Regardless, it was an unmitigated disaster. I forgot half the lyrics to “What a Wonderful World” and my voice squeaked. I’d begged my parents to come. They walked out before I even sat down. It was a good thing we moved a lot, given that my parents found it difficult to maintain steady employment. Needless to say, I never sang in public again. I even have a hard time singing in the car or shower when I’m completely alone. I made an exception when Nana was about to pass on to the next life. She’d requested I sing “Amazing Grace” at her bedside as I held her hand, silently begging her not to leave me. Josh was by my side, holding my other hand and wiping away my tears.

I had to stop thinking about him and my past. At the very least, I shouldn’t let it rule my life, but somehow it always manifested itself.

Alec would tell me right now I needed to remember all my successes in life. I guess the fact I didn’t turn into a total psycho, given my upbringing, is a win. This morning I had more pressing matters at hand. My best friends were going to try to hold me to my schedule. Granted, I hated to not keep to my calendar, but I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to get married in nine months. I really should have set a reminder sooner. It surprised me I hadn’t. In my defense, I was distraught when I came up with the ridiculous idea of scheduling my wedding without even a prospective groom on the horizon. That horizon was still barren. Alec had been giving me some great dating advice lately. His latest tidbit was to tell me to look at dating like reading a book. It would give me the opportunity to picture another version of my life. If I liked what I saw, I could keep reading. If not, I could put the book back on the shelf. It sounded simple enough. I supposed if I wanted to have a wedding, I should probably go to a figurative bookstore.

I hit the paver stone path leading to the sidewalk, thinking about different bookstores. A few weeks ago, Alec had suggested I let my friends set me up. I wasn’t sure that was a good idea. They had played a part in Josh and I getting together. Tara and Jolene had dragged me to an after-party where I had mostly sat in a corner and read while they did their thing. I’d noticed Josh kept walking by—once he’d even stopped with a random book and sat next to me, pretending to read. He never said a word, but admittedly, I kept finding my gaze drifting his way. There was something about his soulful chocolate-brown eyes, his mussed dark hair, and his crooked smile, complete with dimples, that I found appealing. I’d tried not to be attracted to him as I’d watched him onstage earlier that night, making the crowd roar with laughter. I knew then he would headline shows. After I’d basically ignored him, he’d gotten my friends involved.

It took a month of them trying to convince me to go on a date with him, coupled with Josh sliding into my DMs to send me memes he’d made highlighting “the wonders of Josh,” as he’d called them. I’d finally relented, against my better judgment. By then, he was already semi-famous. I’d thought I would go out with him once and he would see how boring and weird I was and it would put an end to it all. Instead, we ended up talking all night and then eating breakfast together at some dive. After that, we were pretty much inseparable. I smiled to myself as I walked toward the park, thinking of how annoyingly adorable he had been and surely still was.

But then he started touring a lot. The long stretches apart and his ever-increasing fame put a strain on our relationship. I tried life on the road with him, but a tour bus just wasn’t for me. There was no being invisible and no routine. At all. And it reminded me of growing up, always moving, never having a place to call my own for any extended amount of time. Worse, everyone expected me to be a certain way because I was with Josh. When they found out I wasn’t, I could see the looks and hear the whispers. People wondered why Josh was with someone as boring and awkward as me. All it made me want to do was disappear into the wall. Meanwhile, Josh lived for the next city and stage, as he should. He was amazing and people loved him. But I couldn’t live like that, and knowing I was miserable made him miserable, so when Nana passed away and left me her home, I broke up with him and moved to Greer.

I really, really needed to stop thinking about it—him. I’d made the right decision. More than anything in this world, I wanted Josh to be happy. Judging by all the clips and videos I’d seen of him on social media, when I let myself stalk him for twenty minutes once a week on Fridays and on his birthday, he seemed more than happy. Mission accomplished. Now it was time for me to think of my happiness and future. Could that include getting married in nine months? It would definitely be out of my comfort zone. Honestly, the fact I hadn’t completely ruled it out was giving me heart palpitations. Alec better give me a figurative star on my chart just for considering it.

While I contemplated this bizarre possible plot twist, I waved at a few people driving by in the quiet morning. I wasn’t completely socially awkward, just mostly. In fact, I loved a good polite wave. There was something stabilizing about it. It said I was at home and safe. It’s all I ever wanted in this world.

I crossed under the arched entrance of the park, which still donned a Christmas wreath, to find I was very much alone on this sleepy holiday morning. Not even Hal and Stu had arrived to cheer me on. They were the most adorable old men on the planet—friends and neighbors for over sixty years—and part of my routine. Each morning I walked, they would shuffle over and sit on a park bench, shooting the bull, as they called it. Periodically, they would shout out positive affirmations as I walked around the path that wove through the park. I called them my cheering section. Everyone needed one. Hal and Stu were right up there with Tara and Jolene.

If only I could converse with men my age as easily as I did with my two senior citizens, I might have a shot at scheduling love. I still wasn’t sold on the insane idea, as intriguing as it appeared. Though I would admit to loving the thought of finding my forever someone. Or, you know, finding him again, except this time he would be just a normal, everyday guy who went to work and came home every night at the same time. That way, we could eat dinner promptly at six while we chatted about our day. Then we would snuggle on the couch and watch a show. This would be followed by an hour of sexy time before my nightly facial and stretching routine. Finally, it would be time for bed. It was perfect. Not to say I wasn’t willing to negotiate on times and frequency, even on my routine. I knew things would have to be more give and take. And I was trying to be more flexible. Just last week I’d flown to Nashville on the worst day ever to fly—Christmas Eve—so I could spend the holiday with my best friends. Don’t even get me going on how crowded and not on time the flight was.

Did I stay for New Year’s? Obviously not. I could only take so many nonroutine things at a time. And I knew they would have convinced me to go to that comedy club with them. I wasn’t sure my heart could take it. Or risk potentially running into people who knew and loved Josh, which was basically everyone. He was a Nashville legend. And I was the woman who had broken his heart. Or so the rumor goes. Like I said, he’d moved on awfully fast with the gorgeous and talented Camila. Their fans loved it. They had been wanting to “ship” them since the first video they’d released about how ridiculous proposals had gotten.

“There’s Hepburn,” Hal thankfully saved me from my thoughts. It never went well for me once I got on board the Camila and Josh train. It was best to leave well enough alone.

I turned to find my two favorite old men shuffling my way, each wearing a winter jacket and bow tie. I loved that they called me Hepburn, even though I didn’t feel worthy of the nickname. They said I reminded them of the ever lovely and timeless Audrey Hepburn, except I had red hair and light green eyes. Somehow, I had fooled Hal and Stu into thinking I was charming and beautiful. They obviously hadn’t seen me on a date or when I was a teenager.

I walked their way and met them at their usual bench. They carefully lowered themselves to sit to a symphony of snaps, crackles, and pops. I admired the men who had defied the ugly prejudices and racism of their time to become and stay friends. They met playing in a jazz band. Later, they opened a grocery store together and raised their families side by side. They’d even marched the streets in solidarity, with the hope that their children would have more opportunities and a better way of life.

“Happy New Year,” I greeted them.

“How’s our girl doing?” Stu asked, holding his curled fingers out to me.

I took his hand and gave it a little squeeze. There was something so comforting about it. He once admitted to having a crush on my nana before he’d met his wife. I wished Nana would have married him. I never met my grandpa, as he died before I was born, but from what I had gleaned over the years from Nana and my father, he wasn’t the best man. My father carried a great deal of resentment toward him. Though I think he turned out to be much the same way as him, cold and selfish. My poor Nana.

“I’m doing well,” I sighed.

Hal narrowed his dark eyes full of warmth and wisdom at me. “I think you’re not telling the full truth, young lady.”

I bit my lip. “Well, there is a little something,” I admitted.

“Tell us all about it and we’ll fix it.” Stu chuckled.

“If only you could.” I thought it best not to mention what my little—or big—something was, depending on how you looked at it. It’s not that Hal and Stu didn’t already know how odd I was. Anyone who knew me was well aware of how neatly I organized my life. No need to make them think I was even odder. Besides, I would probably delete the wedding date from my calendar.

I rubbed my chest. That thought pricked me more than I thought it would. Maybe I should keep the date? Maybe? It was going to take some planning. Like, the most carefully thought out, meticulous plan of my life. Of course, it all hinged on finding the right guy. Perhaps Hal and Stu could help me with that part, at least. You know, if I kept the date. And it didn’t sound crazy to ask if they knew any available, stable, loyal, non-substance-abusing, well-employed, not-famous men who could pass a background check.

I let out a deep breath and shoved my hands into my fleece jacket pockets. “Um … well, maybe you could help with a little something. Do you know any single guys? We are talking cream-of-the-crop kind of men.”

Hal and Stu’s brows jetted upward, crinkling their almost bald heads.

“Are you looking for love, darlin’?” Stu asked.

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