Page 39 of Love Rescheduled

“I can’t believe you showed up last night,” I tore into him. “How would you like if I would have interfered with your relationship with, let’s say, Camila?”

He shut off the water. “You think you didn’t? Hell, Nat, why do you think we broke up? You were everywhere, and I couldn’t shake you, no matter how hard I tried.”

I leaned my head against the wall, stunned by his admission. Even more, it pained me.

“I hurt her, Nat, because she knew I would never love her the way I love you.”

A tear leaked down my cheek. Poor Camila. “I’m sorry, Josh. But don’t you see how wrong we are for each other? Even last night, I didn’t exist to you or to anyone. Your fans overshadowed me. Again.”

“That’s not what happened. I know how much you hate when attention is drawn to you, so I …” He paused.

He was right. I did my best to be invisible. But I hated it. It made me feel like a lonely child, begging for someone to notice me. “You ignored me. You and my supposed date,” I finished his thought.

“No, I didn’t,” he said, more to himself than me, like he was having a hard time processing that it might be true. “All I thought about was you and how the idiot across from us didn’t deserve you. What kind of guy invites another man on his date?”

I had wondered the same thing, which was why I would never go out with Seth again. “And then leaves with him,” I added.

“Yeah,” Josh whispered. “In my defense, I begged you to come with us.”

“Why? So I could sit in the corner and watch how excited everyone would be when you showed up? Or worse, get recognized from the video of me going around? Is that what you wanted?”

“No. No,” he spluttered. “I wanted you to be there so I could look into the audience and see the face I love the most in this world staring back at me.”

Another tear escaped. “Those thirty seconds would have been lovely, but the rest of the night, I would have either been the woman who didn’t exist or the ‘why did he pick her over Camila’ woman. Then we would have come home, and you would make me feel like I was the only person in the world in existence. And for a moment I would lie in your arms and believe you,” my voice was choked. “But then reality would sink in, and I would remember I’m just your awkward girlfriend who was lucky enough to convince you we belong together. But deep down, we both know that’s not true.”

“The hell it isn’t. You make it sound like you tricked me into loving you. How could you think that?”

“Look how different we are!” I begged him to see.

“So what? That’s what makes us so great together.”

“You say that because everyone loves you. You’re the life of the party. I’m the cringey wallflower.”

“You are the only one who sees yourself that way. If for just one second you could see how amazing you are, I wouldn’t be standing here staring at your silhouette. Instead, I’d be joining you, doing my best to make you late for work.”

I hugged myself tighter, longing not only for him to join me but for me to see myself as he did.

“And by the way, not everyone loves me, Nat. In LA, I’m not city enough. People tolerate me because I’m worth money to them. Worse, they kiss my butt, thinking they can get something from me. We all have our crosses to bear. I was hoping we could bear ours together. Let me help carry yours, and you can help carry mine.” He took in a deep breath. “Don’t you know how much I loved coming home to you? You were always my grounding force. But I only seem to hurt you.” He sounded more defeated than I had ever heard him. “I’m sorry about last night. Just the thought of you being with another man kills me. I had to do something. But I realize now I’m the one killing you.”

I slid down the wall until I was sitting in the tub, my knees to my chest, unable to hold back the steady tears rushing down my cheeks and mixing with the hot water. My heart was breaking because I knew he had finally seen the light. The horrible light casting the glaring truth—we aren’t meant to be together.

“Natalie, I’m going to leave. But before I go, you need to listen to me. You can’t schedule love. The best love comes out of nowhere. It’s when you see a beautiful woman sitting in a corner, reading a book while a hundred people move about her, and she’s trying her hardest not to be noticed. The best thing is, she doesn’t even realize one can’t help but notice her. Then something inside you commands you to do whatever it takes just for her to say something to you. And when she speaks, you know that’s the voice you want to hear whispering good night to you every night in your bed. That’s how love works.” He opened the door, walked through it, and then slammed it.

My tears turned to racking sobs as I held on to myself, his words running through me like a speeding, out-of-control car. Each syllable crashing into my heart. At times, I did feel as if his life was killing me. But I loved him. So much. However, maybe this was the closure he needed. So, this was a good thing, right? Why, then, did I feel as if my world had just ended?

I LEANED AGAINST A WALL in the living room in my robe with wet hair. My heart continued to break as I watched Josh haphazardly throw his clothes into his trusted duffel bag that had seen better days. I resisted the urge to stop the madness and plead with him to let me properly fold and place them neatly into his bag. Under the circumstances, he probably wouldn’t appreciate any packing tips. And if I spoke, I was afraid I would only beg him to stay. It was like staring at the door three years ago, wishing the knob would turn, but knowing it was for the best if it didn’t. At least that’s what I kept telling myself.

I was the girl who wanted to dance like no one was watching her but felt like everyone was watching me and it looked like a legion of bees was attacking me. Josh needed someone who was truly graceful in the public eye or didn’t care she looked ridiculous while everyone watched. I was neither woman.

“You should sing more,” Josh said out of the blue while shoving underwear into his bag.

I shook my head. “What?”

He looked my way and grabbed ahold of me with his red, watery eyes that said his heart was breaking as much as mine. “You should sing more. I heard you in the shower the last few days. You have a beautiful voice. Stop hiding it.”

I think what he meant to say was, “Stop hiding.” He knew what he was asking. Only he was aware of my most embarrassing childhood memory.

I wasn’t sure how to respond, but he didn’t let me. He went right back to packing, if that’s what you could call it.

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