Page 29 of Love Rescheduled

“That shouldn’t have mattered.”

“You’re right. If I could go back and do that night over, I would. I’m sorry my career once again caused you to feel unsafe and vulnerable. Do you know how much I hate that?”

That was exactly how I felt. He still knew me so well. If only he knew how much I wished I could feel safe in my skin. Maybe then things could be different. “Why do you think I left? You should never hate something you love so much.”

Josh let out a heavy breath and ran a hand over his mussed hair.

In his eyes, I saw the turmoil a life with me caused. I’d seen it before.

“Yeah. Anyway, let’s eat.” Maybe he was finally seeing the light. Our worlds were too far apart.

We walked silently toward the kitchen. I had to stop and grip the wall when my small-but-functional, normally spotless kitchen came into view. Every pot and pan I owned was in various places, food splattered on them and the butcher-block countertops Nana adored. She was so proud when she’d saved enough money to have them installed. There were even specks of food on my cupboards. White cupboards painted by yours truly.

“What did you do in here?” I don’t know why it surprised me. Josh was not the cleanest of men. Sure, he showered every day and brushed his teeth, but other than that, he was a slob.

Josh had the decency to look abashed. “You know how I get when I cook.”

Oh, I knew.

“Don’t worry, I’ll clean it up.” He grabbed my hand. “Come on, Nat, you can deal with this for a few hours.”

“A few hours?” I scrunched my nose, itching to grab every disinfectant I owned and do some rage cleaning. I could do with a good rage clean. There was something about it that settled my soul.

“I think it’s going to take a while for us to catch up.” He squeezed my hand, then let it go before either of us got comfortable with the affection. I was grateful for that, seeing as my hand felt right at home in his.

“Fine,” I half complained. It’s not like my life wasn’t already a hot mess of chaos. And I was hungry. “But the food better be amazing.” That was not to say I was going to give him a few hours of my time tonight. I knew what happened when we talked for hours on end. And I don’t mean a dirty kitchen. No, it was something much more beautiful. Too beautiful for me to allow to happen.

“Do you doubt me?” he asked with an air of sexiness no ex should use on you.

I cleared my throat. I never doubted him—only myself.

Josh took that as his cue to pull out a chair for me at Nana’s old kitchen table. It had a Formica top with brass legs. I’d found some great retro chairs to go around it. It wasn’t really my style, but around that table I had learned someone loved me. When I’d graduated from high school, I came running to Nana’s. Every morning she would make me breakfast, usually grits with milk and sugar and a lot of butter. We would sit at that table, and she would do her best to make me believe in myself. I wished she were still here. I missed her now more than ever. Even if I knew she would tell me to give Josh another chance. “Let love find a way,” she would say, even though her own love story was tragic and tumultuous. I only knew a little about her and my grandfather’s relationship. It was obvious she was embarrassed to talk about the way he had treated her. More so that she had let him get away with it.

I took a seat and looked at the spread in front of me. Carbonara, salad, my favorite cranberry spritzer. Josh had even used Nana’s old pink Depression glass plates. She would be so pleased. I glanced up at Josh, who was pushing in my chair. “This looks great. I never cook like this for myself.”

“Me either.” He sounded as lonely as I was.

It surprised me, considering all his social media posts. He was always with crowds of people, especially women. I had just assumed he was dating someone.

Josh took his seat across from me, a boyish smile on his face, making his dimples appear. “Before I forget to tell you, my parents wanted me to say hello and that they miss you.”

“They do?” I figured they probably hated me along with everyone else close to Josh. The thought bothered me over the years, as I loved Laney and Kent. They had treated me like an actual daughter. Laney would always apologize to me for raising a slob.

“Of course. They always loved you.”

“I just assumed …” I stopped short. I didn’t want to rehash what had happened three years ago.

“They understood why,” Josh hastily responded like he didn’t wish to delve into it either.

“Were you visiting them? Is that why you were home?” I tried to redirect the conversation while serving myself a helping of carbonara.

Josh reached for his glass. “Part of the reason.”

“What’s the other part?”

He thought for a moment. “I just needed to clear my head. Take a country drive in my old truck.”

“It surprised me to see Felicia in the driveway this morning.” That’s what Josh had named the old Chevy Silverado he’d driven since well before we’d met.

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