Page 19 of Love Rescheduled

I faltered a bit, his admission catching me off guard. “You know I had my reasons,” I threw back at him. Good ones too.

“Yeah.” He scrubbed a hand over his stubbled cheeks. “Your reasons.” He let out a heavy breath. “I’m too tired to get into this with you right now.” He kicked off his sneakers and walked over to my pristine white couch and threw himself onto it, grabbing a throw pillow and stretching out his tall, lanky body as far as he could. “I’ll crash here for now. We can discuss future sleeping arrangements when I wake up.” He flashed me a seductive smile.

If he thought that sexy grin of his was getting him anywhere besides the nearest hotel, he had another thing coming. Not to say my heart didn’t skip a few beats.

He closed his dreamy chocolate eyes. “Good night, Nat. I’m sorry for embarrassing you.”

I stood stunned, gaping at him, not able to form any words. I should have kicked his cute tight butt out of there, but I was confused by how I could hate and love someone so much at the same time. All I knew was, when he woke up, he had to go.

It already devastated me.

“WELL, OBVIOUSLY HE HAS TO go,” I whispered into the phone to my best friends, who were salivating for an update. Not sure why I was keeping my voice down. Josh slept like the dead. A train could steamroll through the house and he would slumber right through it. I shouldn’t even be acting like a good hostess. That didn’t stop me from covering him with one of Nana’s old quilts she had hand stitched. What I should have done was smothered his face with it. His mere unexpected presence was just a reminder that we were completely incompatible. He was already screwing up my schedule. It’s kind of hard to keep your mind on work when your ex shows up unexpectedly and declares you made him go insane and hints that you’re still the woman he loves. But loving each other was never our problem.

The incident over the weekend was just proof of what a nightmare Josh’s life would be for me. And now that he was about to sign a rumored TV or movie deal, it would only get worse. Like A Nightmare on Elm Street level of horror.

Besides, I abhorred him, and I had a date in two days with a doctor who looked like Henry Cavill.

“I have to say, it’s kind of romantic,” Tara sighed.

“I thought we all agreed we hated him now.”

“We do,” Tara responded. “But, you have to admit, it’s pretty hot. Can I use it in a book?”

“Sure.” I rolled my eyes. “I can’t believe he’s here.”

“So, when are you going to tell him you’re getting married?” Jolene sounded eager at the prospect. “That should have him running for the hills.”

“But I’m not really getting married.”

“Not yet,” Tara sang.

I thought about it for a moment. I didn’t love the idea of divulging my plan to Josh. Not like he didn’t already know about all my idiosyncrasies, but did I really want to drive that home? Give him more jokes to tell? Hmm. On second thought, it was probably a good idea. He would see how truly wrong we were for each other. And that I did the best thing for us when I left. Then he could go back to his famous life, and I could go back to my quiet and well-thought-out one. “I’ll tell him as soon as he wakes up. I’m going to go for a walk now.”

I needed to clear my head, and it was that time of day. Hal and Stu would worry if they didn’t “see me like clockwork,” as they would say. Plus, they might have more candidates for me to date. I was hoping to schedule two dates a week for a month, eliminating one man each week. Then the next month I would narrow it down again to two. Surely, out of eight men, I could fall in love with one of them. And vice versa. They did it all the time on The Bachelorette. I would admit to no one I watch that show occasionally, even though I kind of planned to do the same thing without the rose ceremony and hopefully without all the made-up drama.

“Call us later and let us know how it goes,” Jolene said.

“Good luck,” Tara added.

Who needed luck when you had what some would consider borderline unhealthy tendencies on your side? Jolene was right: telling Josh would send him running away screaming, thanking his lucky stars he didn’t get stuck with me. The woman who scheduled everything. Was I still salty about his recent routine? Definitely.

Feeling good about this plan, I walked out of my office/workout room—the only other room I had in the house besides my bedroom—and headed for the front door. When I turned the corner into the living area, I couldn’t help but pause and stare at Josh sleeping so peacefully curled up under the quilt. I’d missed the way he would smile in his sleep like he was now. He had the best dreams. He used to love to share them with me as soon as he would wake up, which was usually several hours after I had been awake. I was an early bird, and he was a night owl. It was the nature of his job. Many of those dreams included me. Of course, a lot of them were steamy montages, but there were also the sweet ones. Ones of us swinging on the swings until we reached the leafy treetops. I loved to swing. Swinging by myself in the park while I was growing up was one of my only sources of entertainment. There was something so freeing about it. Josh had even once dreamed of us getting married and him somehow forgetting to wear clothes to the ceremony.

I wondered what he was dreaming about now. Did I still make my appearances? Part of me hoped he still dreamed of us going to the park and lying on a blanket to watch the clouds turn into stars. If only real life could be so lovely, so easy. But being with Josh was complicated. On one hand, when it was just Josh and me together, I had been freer to be myself than I ever had. But on the other hand, when we were on the road or even just around his crowd, I constantly felt like I needed to either pretend to be someone I wasn’t or play the part of a social outcast when it got to be too much for me. I couldn’t handle a lifetime of misery trying to be someone I wasn’t.

I felt like that throughout my youth into adolescence—the invisible girl no one wished to befriend. Honestly, part of me had been glad. I feared if people got to know me, they would really see how weird I was. But deep down, I wanted someone, anyone, to just recognize I existed. No one but Nana seemed to until I met Tara and Jolene. Unfortunately, we didn’t visit Nana often when I was growing up. My friends became the characters in the books I read in the library, where I spent nights and weekends. All Josh’s friends and acquaintances treated me like that invisible girl. Several of them wondered why Josh would date someone as awkward as me. I’d heard one guy say, “At least she’s hot. I guess that’s worth staying for.”

I never told Josh about it. He already knew what people said about me. That he could do better. I really wanted to be the fun girl who could go with the flow. But life had taught me to be guarded. To be afraid of myself. After all, when the people who should love and support you the most think all you are is a burden, a klutz, chubby, ugly, you name it, it’s hard not to want to hide from the world.

But for Josh, I tried to be the woman I thought he wanted, even needed. In the end, it got to be too much. Josh had told me he didn’t want me to be anyone else but myself, that we could work it all out. But his life was only becoming more and more public. And the long separations were proving to be difficult for both of us.

I wasn’t exactly sure why Josh came here, but if he had any inkling of us rekindling what we once had, it was best for me just to nip it in the bud. That road would only lead us right back to where we were now. Besides, I abhorred him, even if he looked adorably sexy sleeping on my couch. I longed to crawl under the covers with him and nestle right into his chest. Which was saying something, since it would obliterate what I had left on my schedule. But he was the king of getting me to do things outside my norm.

It’s why I rushed toward the door and grabbed my jacket from off the hook. I couldn’t afford to let the thought of letting Josh into my life again creep in. I once read that it’s not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility. Our incompatibilities were like crossing one of those ancient rope bridges across a body of water full of crocodiles—treacherous and not for the faint of heart. Especially not for someone who didn’t wish to have viral videos of herself. Stupid man.

I walked out into the sunshine at ten sharp and let it warm my cheeks. I breathed in the cool morning air, trying to find my equilibrium. Not sure it was possible. I felt like I was back in junior high school with buck teeth and the most awful stage fright imaginable. Worse, I felt completely out of control. This was way more dreadful than my jam crisis brought on by the ridiculous grocery store management. The only thing I had going for me was that most of my neighbors were part of the geriatric crowd and weren’t on social media. Hal and Stu believed it was the downfall of society. They weren’t wrong. It was certainly going to add to my demise. It made me want to walk back into the house, except the reason for my consternation was in there.

Walk it was. I could at least control my routine.

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