Page 8 of Desiring an Angel

Fuck.

I exhaled firmly to settle a veering direction in my head and pulled away from Ash’s heavy leg draped over mine. Sliding from bed, I created a new plan, one that would give Ash exactly what he dreamed of.

As children, I’d wanted to be his other half, promised to always be there for him to lean on—but he had ended up being the same for me. I longed to lay the world at his feet even if it meant the foundation of mine shifted.

I had the strength to endure—even if I wouldn’t enjoy doing so.

Enough light shone from the sliver of moon outside the window to ease my way across the bedroom and down the stairs into the open concept area of our house’s first floor.

We’d left New England behind after graduation, both of us needing a new start.

Him away from pain and constant memories of his grief, and me from my disconnected parents who had since retired to Florida. As an only child, I should have been their entire world, their focus, but that hadn’t been the case. An emotionally repressed household hadn’t offered much in the way of love, so having Ash’s was a gift I wasn’t about to disregard or let down out of goddamn selfishness.

I grabbed a bottle of cold water from our fridge and sat on the couch, my iPad in hand.

My chest swelled at the sight of the rainbow-colored, intertwined hearts of Missing Link’s logo. It was Ash’s design for the app we’d built together, the start of what had brought about our software development company that allowed us to purchase a home overlooking the Pacific Ocean.

He was the code wiz, and I’d never met a puzzle I couldn’t figure out from beginning to end once I’d set a plan in place to do so. Add in both our work ethics, his easy ability to connect and communicate with others, and we made a hell of a team.

A lucrative partnership that offered a comfortable life, one I’d been perfectly content to live in relative quiet, without drama, until we breathed our last.

My chest ached from the slew of feelings inside me, but I put it from my mind by closing a mental door with ease. Fuck knew I’d had plenty of practice doing so as a kid.

I went into our shared profile that didn’t mention we were the app’s creators. Sifting through the information and personality testing we’d done for finding our perfect match revealed my wants rather than Ash’s.

The MM looking for F part, I left alone.

Exhaling slow and steady as though releasing tension and selfishness from my core, I set about changing the answers we had originally input from my desires when he would have chosen differently.

College education, I clicked, wasn’t a requirement as I’d answered previously. No longer were we seeking an accomplished woman who had her shit together career-wise.

“Easygoing,” I mumbled. “Laid-back. A ray of sunshine to brighten the day.” I typed all the words he often spoke of while fighting off a cringe.

Ash needed someone with those traits in his life since I definitely couldn’t give them to him.

The feeling of not being enough leaked through my conscience, but I slammed the door on that sense of frailty that left me floundering.

He would benefit from a woman who lived for the thrill of adventure, one who wouldn’t balk at facing down daily living with a smile on her face while being a stay-at-home mom like his.

Always laughing, always seeing the bright side of things.

Such bubbly personalities clashed with my more stoic reservations, but I reminded myself there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t sacrifice for him.

Even if it made me feel…less than.

I hoped whoever ended up zinging with Ash would also be compatible enough with me that we might eventually find some sort of connection to create an enjoyable triad.

Fingers crossed, I clicked save to update our profile, hoping I wouldn’t regret my decision to give his hopes yet another shot at fulfillment.

“What were you doing?” Ash murmured when I climbed back into bed a few moments later.

The scent of lavender from the dryer sheets he laundered with wafted past my nose, taking me back to the last time my mother had hugged me after I’d buried my one and only puppy. I remembered the comfort of her arms, the way she had soothed my back—and the flowery scent of her skin.

My one good emotional memory from childhood, and Ash made sure to remind me of it every night we slid between our sheets.

A lightness spread through my chest in the knowledge I’d done the right thing to bring fulfillment to his life.

“I changed our profile,” I told him, finally relaxed and ready to sleep.

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