We both chuckled, but I knew he was serious. My heart could breathe again. He would help me set up a meeting with Maggie.
Now Ireallyneeded a beer.
CHAPTERTHIRTY-SIX
Maggie
Curt slidhis arms into his jacket then zipped it up. He stood next to the front door beside Dad. Both of them wore their heaviest winter camo, carrying shotguns in hand. They had grins the size of Texas, and it was good to see them going back into the woods. Gun law was a short week of hunting each winter when hunters could use a shotgun or high-powered rifle to bag big game. Otherwise, a bow was the only legal weapon. Dad finally convinced Curt to go out with him on the final day of the week.
“You guys are going to freeze your nuts off.” I chuckled as I handed Dad a pair of fingerless gloves. He took them and kissed me on the cheek. “You’re crazy. It’s snowing at the rate of an inch an hour, and you’re really taking the ATVs out to the woods?”
“How else do you expect us to drag a deer home?” Curt winked at me and pulled a balaclava on his head. He kept the face covering up on his forehead as he shoved his hands into gloves.
“It will be a miracle if they don’t smell us, but with a northerly wind if we come up the southern pass, we might just get one on the ridge.” Dad nudged Curt with his elbow as if divulging a super-secret plan for how to tag a deer. He grinned and turned to me. “It’ll be around four hours or so until we’re back. You can make us some hot cocoa just like Mama used to when you’d play in the snow until your cheeks were rosy.”
The memory of my mother standing over the stove stirring the mixture of sugar, cocoa, and milk slowly as it warmed up over low heat made me smile. Making cocoa for their return made me feel like maybe I did have it in me to be a mother. If the last five weeks of doing things by myself hadn’t taught me how strong I was, nothing would.
“Oh, I just can’t wait until Jensen is big enough to go hunting.” Dad grabbed my shoulders and kissed my forehead.
“Isla might really like it too. You never know.” Curt snickered at me as I gave him a playful scowl.
“Let’s let them grow up slowly, building snow forts and making mud pies first. Okay, guys?” I opened the door, swinging it wide for them to walk through. The ATVs were loaded down with all the supplies and ammo they needed. Dad struggled to get onto his four-wheeler, but once settled, he jetted off like a pro. Curt gave me a two-finger salute and sailed off after Dad.
I watched the cloud of snow they left in their wake until the ATVs dipped over a hill and out of sight. Then I shut myself into the house. I’d just laid Jenson and Isla down for their naps after nursing them. I was exhausted, and the mantra “sleep when baby sleeps” came to mind. So I pulled the throw blanket off the back of the couch and curled up, using the arm rest as a pillow. The fuzzy blanket was so warm, I dozed off almost immediately, listening to the slight buzz of the baby monitor.
When I heard the door open and someone stomp boots on the hardwood floors, I thought maybe Curt or Dad had forgotten something and thought nothing else of it. I lay there listening for a moment but dozed back off right away. But the floor creaked right beside me, and my eyes shot open in shock.
Derek hovered over me, a bouquet of flowers in hand, a look of compassion on his face. I blinked hard, my eyes not wanting to wake up quite as fast as my mind had. “Derek?” I sat up and rubbed my eyes, feeling the couch next to me jostle as he sat down.
“Mags, don’t say anything, please. Let me talk.” He set the flowers on the table and turned toward me. “And please don’t be angry at Curt for setting this up for us.”
I scowled. Curt had done this after I made him swear to keep Derek away from me? I wasn’t sure whether I should be furious with my brother or terrified of what Derek would say. And not to mention, what had Curt told him? Out of respect, I held my tongue, but I was upset. Derek had no right to go behind my back and talk to my family or just walk into my home unannounced.
“Maggie, I know the babies are mine.”
I froze, unable to take my eyes off his face. It wasn’t like he had access to them to do a paternity test, so how could he say empirically that they were his? I watched his face as he took a breath and his eyes searched mine.
“You don’t have to hide anymore. I’m not angry with you.” He slid his hand onto my knee and squeezed it. “I’m in love with you.”
My heart stopped.
I didn’t understand. He was lying. He had to be. If he loved me, then why had he treated me so poorly? He’d pushed me away time after time. It was just “sex and friendship” so he could keep his professional reputation in good standing. I had left everything, given up my job, lost friends, moved, and almost died in childbirth because he had let me walk away thinking I was nothing more than a cheap fuck.
“You’re what?” My mouth was dry, my tongue sticking to my palette. My palms grew sweaty instantly. You could have bounced a quarter off my shoulders. That’s how tense they were.
“I love you, and I really fucked up. I was hurting. It’s no excuse, but with Peter and Dad and all the things that happened, I was so overwhelmed by everything, I didn’t see you for the amazing woman you were. I was afraid. I didn’t want to be vulnerable to another woman hurting me. My mother died because she refused treatment for something curable. I tried to convince her to take the pills, but she refused.”
“I was, and I still am, afraid to let you that close to me, where I’m that in love with you that I’m afraid to lose you.” He took my hand and cupped both hands around it. “But I’m more afraid of not having you than of having you and losing you because you choose to do your own thing. I need you, Magnolia. You make my life better. You make me better. I don’t want to live without you.”
I felt tears welling up in my eyes. Derek loved me? I didn’t know what to say at all. I’d spent the past nearly six months believing he was not interested in anything more than sex with me. Even our friendship had come into question when I wanted to leave because I couldn’t take it emotionally anymore, and he had ordered me to stay. A good friend would have understood. I had felt objectified and used.
“Say something.” His eyes pleaded with me to comfort him and ease the suffering he was going through. There were new worry lines across his forehead that hadn’t been there six months ago and even more gray hair than before.
“I don’t know what to say.” My words came out mumbled and soft.
“Say you forgive me. You don’t have to say you love me. That’s okay. But just say you forgive me, that I can be a part of your life. Tell me that we will be okay.” He brought my hand to his lips and kissed it.
“Derek, I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. And you’re right. Jensen and Isla belong to you. I was terrified to tell you. You wanted only ‘sex and friendship’, so I felt like I had done something wrong. You have such an important position. What would the board think, the office ladies? I didn’t want to jeopardize your reputation or career.” I looked down at my hand in his and felt the tears brimming, only these were happy tears. “I wanted to tell you I loved you so many times.”