Page 22 of Vicarious

Phae takes my hand says, “Hi. I’m Lene.”

She sounds breathless as she looks up at me, obviously still stunned by how different I look to her. It’s amusing, and also a bit empowering, for our roles to be switched this way. Because I remember being fifteen and Viper introducing me to his wife and thinking that it was no wonder he was so enamored with her. Wondering if maybe I could ever be as beautiful as I thought Phae was and get Viper to look at me the way he looked at Phae.

“We should get a move on. We want to get into the city before it gets too crowded,” Cres says. “I’m going to take you to all my favorite boutiques.”

When Cres says all, she means all. And while she probably won’t be able to manage it on just this one trip, what she is going to manage is to drive me insane. I try not to scowl as I’m yet again asked what I think of a potential outfit nearly three hours into this trip. Just because I have to pretend to be a socialite with expensive tastes doesn’t mean I’ve learned to enjoy it yet. But this entire thing is right up Phae’s alley.

Apparently, I’m not as good as hiding my disdain as I think I am, because Phae gives me a sympathetic smile and says, “I’m sorry. I know you never were into this kind of thing.”

“I don’t hate it as much now,” I say. “The shoes are nice. I like shopping for those.”

“You mean to say you wear more than just the same old pair of sneakers, now?”

“It wasn’t the same pair.”

“Same type then,” Phae gives. Then, “A—My husband,”—I try to keep myself from frowning at her use of the term. True as it may be—“used to love coming shopping with me. He especially loved it when he had extra money and could pay for it himself. He would pick something out and say ‘how about this?’ and then when I thought it cost too much, drag me to the cashier and pay for it anyway. I wish he could have come.”

I have to convince myself that Phae has every right to talk about Viper like this. She is technically still his wife. I knew this. I always knew that I was Viper’s, but he would never be mine. Not like he was Phae’s. I’ve had years to come to terms with that and act accordingly. To take what I can get.

But if that’s true, why the hell do I want to wrap my hands around Phae’s neck and finish the job Viper nor Pray finished?

Oblivious to my dilemma, Phae adds, “I suppose it’s for the best though. Now I can surprise him on our date.”

“I suppose s—Your date?”

Phae looks at me, a blush coming through her makeup as she says, “Yes. Saturday. After he gets back. I know he can’t take me out anywhere. But he’s going to plan us something nice.”

Viper neglected to mention that to me. And based on everything going on, the only time he had to agree to that was before I let him into my fucking room and fucked him all night. Fucked him while he very conveniently didn’t tell me he was going on a date with his wife.

I’m not unreasonable. I know he needs to work through this. I know he needs to come to terms with the fact that his wife isn’t dead and what that means for him. But he doesn’t have to take her on dates. He certainly shouldn’t have hidden that from me.

And now I want to hurt him. Put my hand around his neck. Hurt and torture him like I tortured Maximillian Harp a few months ago.

Phae turns to me with a dress in hand and says, “You think he’ll like this?”

I shrug because I can’t bring myself to talk right now. Not without taking my anger out on Phae.

She gives me a wry look and says, “You’re no help.”

She goes off to find Cres.

My phone rings before I can do something stupid.

“What?” I snap

“Addy. Are you okay?”Bella asks.

“I’m fine.”

If she doesn’t believe that, she doesn’t say. Instead she says,“You’re still bringing Cres over right. Cres and one extra.”

It occurs to me that in this moment, I can tell Bella to cancel. That I won’t be bringing two guests back home with me. That I won’t be bringing Phae back home with me to meet her children. Even if she can’t meet them as herself. Because I want her to hurt and rage and be as angry at me for keeping them from her as I am at her for getting in the way of Viper and I while knowing there’s nothing she can do about it. Because at the end of the day, I’m their mother. The registered birth certificates have my name and identity on them. She’s a dead woman technically. She couldn’t claim them if she wanted to. Not without putting them in danger.

I’m not that cruel though. No matter how much I want to be.

“Yeah,” I say dryly. “One extra.”

“Who exactly is this one extra, Addy?”

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