Page 62 of Vicarious

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Dele

Viper’s impressed. He’s trying to hide it, but he’s impressed with the ingenuity of the way I plan to kill Travis. On the surface, it’s not very creative. We’re going to hang him. And when he’s dead, we’re going to string his body up in his fucking house for his concerned family to find when they can’t get in touch with him.

But rather than outright hanging him, we set it so that he’s just able to stand on his tiptoes on the chair he was tied to earlier as he’s strung up by a belt around his neck with his hands tied behind his back. Eventually, either his toes are going to give from just holding all his weight or in his desperation, he’s going to accidently knock the chair away from him. Either way, the suspense is going to be delightful. For me and Viper. Not so much for Travis.

“I didn’t know you could be so… ingenuous,” Viper settles on.

“Didn’t call myself Vicious for nothing,” I say as we watch while Travis struggles.

It’s going to be a while, and Travis is going to be dead in the end. So I don’t care that he’s in the background able to listen—if he’s not too distracted by his predicament—when I begin to speak to Viper.

“Is what the bastard said true?” Not wanting to give Viper a chance to be cryptic, I continue, “Is it true you asked Pray to let me live, and that you only gave in when he threatened Phae?”

“Yes. That’s true.”

“You still chose Phae.”

“I did. But not because I wanted to.”

“That makes absolutely no sense, Viper.”

“It doesn’t.”

He looks away from me, and I allow him the time he needs to gather his words. Emotions and words that have nothing to do with anger are hard for Viper to verbalize. It’s especially hard for him to verbalize vulnerability, which is why he’s more likely to show he cares through his actions. Through putting a fucking tracker in my phone. A camera wherever. Through protecting me by making sure I can protect myself from everyone except him. Through serving to me on a silver platter the man who made me suffer so I can kill him myself.

Finally, he says, “I would have left Phae. I would have left her and divorced her if you’d said the word. If you’d only asked me, I would have done anything. But you never did. You always kept your distance. So many times, I wanted you to ask me to stay or ask if you could stay and you never did. So I was never sure if what we had was just something you did because you were bored and curious or if it was real.

“Phae and I had our problems. But I never doubted that in some capacity, she wanted me the way I wanted you to want me. With you, I was never sure. So when Pray gave me the ultimatum, I thought maybe with you out the way, I could forget. Maybe, without you tormenting me with your very existence, I could be happy with her. Though, now I’m sure I never would have been. Phae and I… we’re the same in a lot of ways but very different where it counts.” He looks away and shakes his head. “Regardless, you were never second, my love. You were always first. I wanted you to be first.”

That’s a lot to take in. So I do what I always do when things are too much for me when it comes to Viper. Or maybe it’s something I’ve picked up from him recently. Regardless of the reasons for it, I lash out.

“You never asked me,” I shoot back incredulously. “You never…”

“I wasn’t sure you wanted me to.”

“I always wanted you to. I was just…”

This is the part where it’s my turn to be vulnerable, and I remember it’s just as difficult for me. That I show I care in grand gestures like helping Viper steal a criminal empire and being his punching back when I know he needs to take out his anger on something.

“I thought if I asked, you’d choose Phae, and then I wouldn’t have you at all. So I just settled for what I could get.”

He pulls me to him, buries his face in my hair, and says, “There was nothing to ever settle for. I’m yours. I was always yours. I’m sorry I ever made you doubt it.”

I sigh and melt into his embrace the same way I’ve always done. Whether it was to protect me. To fight me. Or even to kill me.

He pulls away some, but only just enough so he can reach into my hair and tilt my head back to kiss me.

Normally our kisses are the meeting of pent up frustration. Reckless passion. A lot of anger and hate for the past. The need to hurt each other but not to kill. To take as much as we can from each other. And all that is still here.

Viper is never going to stop being the one who challenges me the most. My greatest rival, adversary, and sometimes enemy. The one who can and has hurt me the most. The one who angers me the most. But at the same time, he’s the one person I can count on to be on my side. My greatest ally, teammate, and friend. The one who will pick me up and heal my wounds. The one who will protect me when I can’t protect myself and even when I can. He is the one I hate the most and the one I love the most.

I am his.

He is mine.

No one and nothing is allowed to take him from me. I’ll fight death if I have to.

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