Page 61 of The Lies You Love
Auden licks her lips and rolls her shirt between her fingers. Her mom picks up on her nervous behavior and is fully keyed in. “We do know each other,” Auden says.
“Lunch then?” I ask.
Auden crosses her feet at the ankle. “Give the man an answer,” her mother urges.
“I’m not a child,” she hisses back, smirk on her face.
Auden’s gaze meets mine. “Lunch. Sure. I have the same number.”
Pride swells, but then Peter walks into the lobby carrying Pork and Auden’s attention is completely thwarted by her dog. “Oh, they shaved your leg, you poor beast. You look so pathetic. Let’s get you home and into bed.” Pork licks her face when Peter hands him over. Auden’s dad looks at me, and I can tell he’s read the room accurately. Both of her parents have, and they both seem worried. “Nice meeting you, Peter. Auden, see you later.”
Peter looks a bit horrified as he glances between us and they leave without saying another word. Auden’s mom lingers near the door. “If you’re Mr. Impossible, you better do a little better than lunch. Peter is proposing to Auden and sometimes second-best wins due to technicalities. Would hate to see that happen.” Then she exits, leaving a hollow feeling in my chest and a permanent state of unease. How stupid have I been to wait this long?
A grand gesture, an action so big she can’t ignore it, that’s what I need to come up with. I’ve never done this before, never had the need. Then again, before Ramsey died, I was good at keeping Auden happy. If you put all of those things together it could be construed as a grand gesture. Reaching into my pants pocket I take out the plastic cardinal. I had to glue it back together, but it’s never left me. It’s broken, but it’s still here, a reminder of Maisey’s love for birds and Auden’s love for life.
I finish my day, but my heart isn’t in it. Suddenly little else matters if the possibility of a life with Auden is off the table completely. I can’t worry about saving her anymore or about being enough. Now, I just need to love her more than anyone else can.
****
Sometimes superheroes sweat. A lot. I’m not saying I’m an excellent hero, I mean, the woman I was supposed to protect is dead, and I’m solely to blame, but there’s something about making a big decision that forces everyone to feel a little more powerful than usual. I’m pacing in the hallway in front of her apartment. I showered at the office and put on the extra set of clothing I had. Jeans and a shirt. I was too nervous to go home first. I’m leasing the clinic space because there wasn’t anything closer to home. I knew seeing Auden would fuck me up, but I didn’t expect it to be like this. So, life or death.
I know she’s home because I heard her laugh from the hallway, which also probably means he’s inside with her. He travels too much. Peter can’t give her the life she deserves. Now, I’m the one who can give Auden her dreams. It took a while and a lot of horrible shit, but I’ve reached the finish line. Stop being a pussy. Stop being a pussy. Stop being a pussy. I knock on her door with a tight fist and inhale deeply, readying for the onslaught of emotions.
Auden opens the door, rendering me breathless. “I was wondering how long it was going to take for you to do it.”
“Do what?” I ask, heart leaping in my throat. How could she possibly know?
She nods at the doorbell camera. “I’ve been watching you pace for ten minutes.” Jesus, I’m not a superhero, I’m the stupid broad who dies first in the horror film. I’m losing my touch.
“I didn’t notice. God, Auden, you are so beautiful. More than beautiful.” I exhale. “It takes my breath away. Literally. I’ve missed you so much.”
She presses her lips together in a firm line—more in control of her actions than she was at my office. I’m in her space now. “Can I come inside and talk to you?” Both of her creamy, soft hands are bare. No rings. I was right, she turned him down. Or he hasn’t asked yet.
“Sure, but Peter is here now and I’m about to go to Betty’s.” Auden turns around and calls out that it’s a neighbor. She’s lying. “I’m going to bring Pork with me.”
“I’ll drive you. Please,” I beg. “How’s Pork? I can take vitals and make sure he’s doing well.”
Auden narrows her eyes. “You’re bribing me with medical skills.” Oh, there’s a double entendre if I’ve ever heard one.
“Honestly, after my office, I didn’t think I’d have to bribe you at all.”
She looks down. “I feel guilty.” Her gaze flicks up to meet mine. “Peter has been nothing but supportive while you’ve been gone. I thought about it after I left and Peter is the safe choice, Beck. He comes without baggage and he’s honest.”
I palm my chest. “I’ve always been honest with you.” The memory of leaving her at my parent’s house for a night of drunken debauchery. “I mean, about the big stuff I’ve been honest. What I could be honest about.”
Her smile is sad. “Peter has never lied about anything. When you left me, he was there. When I wasn’t enough because of something I had no control over, I was enough for him.”
“You’ve always been enough for me. Too much even. I didn’t feel like I deserved you. Please, Auden. I need you to give me another chance. This is a new me. The one who can give you everything right up front.”
Her eyes glass over. “How am I supposed to live with the fact that you cast me aside because of my heart?”
I swallow a mouth filled with spit. I’m forgetting automatic bodily functions now. “You said at the office you wanted to start over. Square one. Give me that, please. I never cast you aside, I fucking betrayed myself. I didn’t grieve my sister properly. It’s all excuses, I know, but you have to believe that every second, every minute, it’s only ever been you.” I hit my knees, folding my hands together. “I’m pleading with you. No one is going to love you like I do.”
“What are you asking?” Auden asks, voice warbling. “Be specific because I can’t do gray area anymore.”
“Your dream. Let me give you your dream.” Auden stares at me. “Please,” I add, voice shaking. “I love you.’
A lone, fat tear streaks down her face. “I can’t.”
