Page 19 of The Lies You Love
Auden pulls back and looks up into my eyes. They’re chock full of emotion. “I didn’t come here to talk,” she says.
Pulling her to the window, I watch her climb in before me and notice she’s not wearing anything under the coat, and my dick responds immediately. Locking the window and lowering the blind, I turn to her. She’s sitting on the end of the bed watching me.
“I didn’t come here to talk,” she repeats. “We had a one-night stand. You don’t owe me a thing.”
I slide my hands into my pockets to look less threatening. I swallow hard. “Well, you’ve got nothing on under the jacket, so I know you didn’t come here to talk, but that’s not what I asked. I asked if you wanted to talk. Now that you’re here. We did have a one-night stand, and it was fucking glorious, but that doesn’t mean we can’t talk. Fucking like animals and talking can go hand in hand.”
She stays silent, wiping under her eyes. “When you’re rational and kind, it makes me want to do everything but talk.”
“Tell me what happened.” I do feel a little like a therapist after spending a half hour reassuring Tess about Ronan and now Auden melting down, but I want this. The afterglow. More than one night. Her opening parts of her to me, other than her legs.
She swallows. “Well, it’s about my ex, and I don’t want you to think this is me upset because I’m not over my gay ex. I can assure you I’m over him. Not that I’m implying you and I are anything more than… casual. You wouldn’t really care if I wasn’t over him.”
She’s rambling, but I don’t care. It’s fucking enraging to know she’s upset about a dude.
“I had a ten-year plan, you know? Ramsey found out through social media that Walker is living my ten-year plan. Just without me, and with a man instead. I’m crying because it should have been me getting the things I worked for. I’m upset because I’m glad it’s not me. I know that doesn’t make sense, but what if the plan never happens for me? What if I get stuck here forever?”
She’s breathing heavily as her mind spins. I can see her trying and failing at trying to make sense of life.
“Where is here? Exactly?” I ask.
Her eyes are big and glassy when she meets mine. “With you. Or with someone else like you, not making headway on my plan. Wasting my time with men who can’t give me what I want.” Auden looks away and I can tell she regrets her honesty. She turns back to me. “You said you can only give me a month which is more than most men give me, but I guess Walker getting what I want puts life in perspective a bit more than before. I don’t want meaningless anymore.”
Ouch. My pulse hammers against my neck as I try to form the correct response. “A month is what I can give you right now.” There’s a strong possibility she climbs out of my window and I never see her again, but I have to match honesty with honesty.
“Where are you the rest of the time?”
Grabbing her hand, I stroke the top of her hand. It feels better when her skin is against mine. Maybe I can convince her to stay. “There are many things I can’t talk about, but it’s security of sorts, on a higher level. It takes up every waking hour of the day when I’m on shift.”
“What about your sleeping hours? Could I have those? Are you around?”
I furrow my brow. I don’t even know if that’s something they’d allow. “I, uh, yeah, I mean, yes I’m around, but I don’t know,”
“You don’t know if you want this to be longer than a month. I should just shut up and enjoy the sex.”
I take both of her hands. “No,” I say, shaking my head. “That’s not what I’m saying. It’s more complicated than that with my career.”
Auden crinkles her forehead. “Are you saying people in your career don’t get married and have families? Do they not have long-term girlfriends or boyfriends? A life outside of work other than the fleeting months they have off? You’re saying work is your whole life?”
“Is it allowed, sure, but what person would want to deal with having a partner who is there only half the time? I never considered it for myself because it seemed too selfish.”
She looks away but lets me keep her hands. “You’ve never been with a woman you wanted to keep?” Her slim neck works as she swallows. “One that made you want a constant life outside of work? Do you want a wife? Kids?”
“Woah, woah, woah, you’re throwing out some pretty deep questions. I don’t let myself consider those things.”
I don’t know enough about Auden, and I wished that I had done more research into Ramsey’s friend back when I had the case file in front of me. The Charge Men intel gives us basic information about the people surrounding our Principals. I know numbers. I know Auden’s former addresses, her birthday, her license plate. I read a background check, and I know she’s never been incarcerated or had any run-ins with the law. The report doesn’t give us family background or any sort of in-depth information about their personality. Where they came from or why they are the way they are. Not like with Ramsey. I know every god-forsaken detail about her.
“I never considered it before,” I say once more. “If the right woman came along, well, all that stuff wouldn’t be off the table.”
Auden pulls out of my grasp and stands to pace. “And now you think I’m asking for me, that I’m a psycho.”
Standing, I stop her by putting my hands on her shoulders. “I don’t think that.”
“What do you think, then?”
I press my lips together as I look at her face. It takes a Herculean effort not to kiss her. “I think that you deserve everything in the world that you want. I think a man destroyed your trust, and I think you’re still trying to get back on track.” I pause and choose my next words carefully. “You’re safe with me.”
Her face wilts, and fresh tears spring to her eyes. “The only man who ever saved me also destroyed me.” She drags her hands into her hair. “I shouldn’t have come here. I should have called Ramsey to complain. You have me so confused and horny, and I don’t even know anymore. Walker gets to get married and have babies, and I get, I get to be… obsessed with your dick!” She throws her arms up and lets them fall to her sides.
