Page 49 of The Love You Hate
Not everything,I think, or I wouldn’t be here. “I’m trying to get back on the job is all.” I turn back to the glass. “I don’t want to fuck her. Pretty sure we’re good to go.” It was an asshole thing to say, but they’re cornering me, and the only thing that matters to me is just out of reach. I turn back to Raya. “Listen, I’m sorry you came all the way down here. I am still stuck in my ways, and I stand by my decisions.”
She lunges forward unexpectedly and wraps her arms around my waist. I remain still, keeping my arms by my sides. “You don’t want me?”
Resting my chin on top of her head, I say, “I don’t want anyone, Raya. Don’t take it personally.”
She backs away from me, eyes curious. “You shouldn’t make promises to people, Nate. With you, you’ll only hurt.”
Backing away, slowly, I shake my head. “We’re talking about promises made before I even knew who I was.”
“And who are you now? I know who you were then, but you’re unrecognizable today. Who are you?”
Gazing longingly through the glass, I will them to unlock and open these doors. The silence is deafening. “I’m Nate Sullivan and I protect.”
Raya winces. “You’re a son. You used to be a friend. You’re the guy who walked three miles in the rain to bring me a two-liter bottle of root beer because I told you it was the only thing that would fix my upset stomach. You loved dogs and kayaking. You did that stupid monkey dance when you scored a touchdown. Nate, you were the man everyone went to when they needed help with something. You fixed things. Sure, you were grumpy and set in your ways, but you always put other people before yourself.” I still do. Just on a different level. “Do you remember when we went away to the beach for a night and you went through all that trouble to set up the hotel room with rose petals and candles to make the night special? Then the AC broke so you spent two hours filling the Jacuzzi bathtub with ice cubes from the small machine in the hallway?”
I’d forgotten. There are so many things I don’t recall now that romance and relationships aren’t part of my life. I smile. “I do remember that. Then I froze my balls off sitting in it.”
“It was the heat of summer!” she exclaims. “We were the only ones cool in that whole hotel.” A weird pang rips through my chest. The realization I no longer have these memories without being reminded gives me pause.
I swallow hard. “I was sort of suave, wasn’t I?” At Raya’s laugh, my smile vanishes. “That was a long time ago.”
“It doesn’t matter how long ago it was. I’m sure this life you’ve chosen or decided on is fine, but Nate, remember who the hell you are. You were a good human. We were good together, and you never would have turned me down this hard back then.”
Exhaling, I close my eyes. “I had to change to live the life I wanted.”
“Why would you want this life? Look at where you’re at. How long have you been locked up here?”
“I was just back home visiting my family. It’s not as bad as you’re making it out to be.”
She walks over the door, her feet making a slapping noise against the stone floor. “Because your cousin almost died. I know. What do you want? A medal or a chest to pin it on?”
I cough, raising my brows. “And you haven’t changed at all either. So beautiful you can hide sarcasm with lipstick.”
She holds up one finger. “And wash it off when I need to use it. It’s not always hidden.”
“I can tell.”
Raya holds up her hand in what must be the sign to release her from this box. “Just don’t get so caught up in your day job that you forget what life is really about.”
The door unlocks with a loud click and she leaves. Coldren comes in a few moments later and I watch as the other doctor leads Raya out of the lab and into the hallway. I’m immediately jealous that she’s warm and away from here. That I’m stuck here facing a man who doesn’t give a shit about me as a person. “That went well,” Coldren growls. “Better than I expected. Are you okay?”
My bottom lip trembles. “You blindsided me with my past, a past you helped erase, and you’re wondering if I’m okay? I need to go to fucking sleep. Get out of my way.” I hit his shoulder on my way by, nearly knocking him over. No one tries to stop me, and someone buzzes me into my chambers. I’m still being watched, I’m always being watched, but at least I can have my bed. I let the robe fall off and crawl into the king-size bed and pull the white, sterile, covers over my head.
I don’t fall asleep right away, no, that would be a relief. Instead, I stew with the knowledge that whatever I felt for Raya long ago wasn’t even a fraction of what I feel for Presley, and I get to see her tomorrow. While several dozen men watch my every move.
Fuck. I think of her knee.
