Page 74 of The Wrong Track

Screwing, yes. Got it.

“But I didn’t know what it meant to love someone until you had Ella,” Tobin went on. “I didn’t understand what it meant at all.”

“I did,” I said, and I knew he thought of Kilian so I explained, “I love my sister like that.”

“Then why don’t you two talk anymore?”

“It was because something happened my junior year,” I said. “That was why I left. Lily was applying to Sidsworth Hall and I was there having problems, losing it. They wouldn’t have admitted her and it would have been my fault. I was going to ruin her chances.”

“Why? Why would that have happened?”

“I wasn’t doing any work and my grades hit the floor,” I said. “I was out of dress code almost every day because my clothes were dirty. I was dirty because I wasn’t bathing regularly. I quit running. It was already reflecting on her. During her interview, she said they raised their eyebrows when she mentioned my name.”

“Why were you acting like that?” he asked me.

“Because.” But I had to wait a minute before I could continue. “Because I went to a party after our exams at Christmas, and I got into trouble with some senior boys. I drank way too much and I went up to the bedroom and slept with them all.”

“Ok,” he said, but I was already telling him more.

“I don’t remember it very well. There are like, bits of things, like I was kissing one guy and I remember my friend telling me that I was lucky, because we all thought he was cute. Then I remember going up the stairs with him and I think I said no, I didn’t want to go but it’s possible he didn’t hear me. I don’t think I was speaking very clearly at that point. He carried me to the bedroom, I know that, because I almost threw up when I was upside down.”

“You were incapacitated. You were incapable of giving consent,” Tobin said flatly and I shrugged.

“Then his friends were there too and I slept with them all. I remember bits of that also, like one time I was awake and I tried to get away and I know that I told one of them to stop. They must have brought me home because I woke up in front of the apartment building.” Even in Virginia, it got cold in December, and I had opened my eyes to a grey sky and felt the frozen pavement under my cheek.

“That’s not sleeping with them,” Tobin said. “That’s not what happened. That was rape. No one went to the police? No one noticed that they had a drunk teenager in a room? No one noticed them carrying you through the house?”

“I guess not. And I was…bad. Things were bad. School was out and I thought I’d be better when we started the new term in January, like starting fresh, but I wasn’t. I saw them in the halls and I’d remember the little bits. A few of the guys would do stuff like wink at me or laugh but I knew that at least three of them were scared and ashamed. They wouldn’t look at me. One of them was really a big deal at the school. His grandfather had donated the money for the new science building. He was the fifth generation to go to Sidsworth Hall. Another of them, his mom was the director of admissions. Lily never would have gotten in and it was her ticket out of our neighborhood toward better things. It had been mine, too, but I fucked it up. That night was it for me but now, I don’t blame myself so much. They shouldn’t have acted like that.”

“No, because it was a criminal offense.” He sat up on an elbow and looked down at me. “They should have been arrested.”

“They got what they had coming to them,” I said.

“What do you mean?”

“One night, I told Kilian something about it. He got me to give him names and he went and found them, he found them all. He enjoyed hurting people and I think he almost killed them. After that, we moved to Maryland. It wasn’t like he needed the excuse to beat someone,” I said, “but he did it for me. He got me off drugs, too, and I’m grateful. I know he’s awful and I should hate him and I do, but he also did stuff for me. So everything is complicated.”

Tobin didn’t answer that. It was so hard to understand. My sister hadn’t.

“Lily didn’t get why I was leaving,” I said, “but I felt like…I felt like I was losing my mind. I was going to ruin everything for her and I had to go before I did. And then even if I could have gotten free of him, I had to stay away because Kilian was looking at her, too. He was thinking that she’d come to him because of me, like I was going to lure my own sister to work for him.”

“No one wanted to work for him.”

“But he didn’t get Lily, did he? I kept him away from her. And now, she’s so successful and she’s going to be great. I’m glad I did it, I’m glad I left her, but I miss her so much. It was all so wrong.”

“Remy. Are you crying? Come here.”

I breathed out as he put his arms around me and I settled into the crook of his neck. This, at least, this felt totally uncomplicated and totally right.

Chapter 15

Annie smiled, but then she started to cry and not quietly at all. She bawled, sniffed, and made unusual noises in her throat.

“Mom,” Macdara scolded, shaking her head. “She gets like this,” she explained to me. But when I looked around, I saw that Hazel was crying, too. And Monica, holding the baby, also had tears on her cheeks. Even Charlene looked like she might give way and let loose with a sniffle.

“Is it that bad?” I looked down at the borrowed dress that I had on. Not white, because I tended to look like I was an extra in a haunted house when I wore that, but pink, a darker shade than Ella’s sweet little outfit. I had thought that it was a very pretty color and the dress itself was so nice. And I didn’t feel fat anymore, or at least, it wasn’t bothering me very much. I’d been running more than three miles almost every day and I felt stronger and steadier, my breathing deeper and fuller, just healthier all around. I wasn’t as worried about jiggle and it had been a while since I’d thought about the fat test that Kilian had done to my thighs and waist.

But maybe my new confidence didn’t matter much. Maybe I looked like crap, despite the running and the new haircut and facial I’d gotten at Annie’s salon. At least Ella was gorgeous, like an angel. And she, for one, wasn’t crying.

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