Page 49 of Screwed (Dad Bod Contracting 4)
He swallows hard. “Same here.” He tilts his head back, growls—as if forcibly pushing down emotions he doesn’t want to fully let out. “That fucks me up, too. That’s a different guilt, piled onto everything else.”
“There’s a huge part of me that really, really wants to explore this with you, James. Physically, sexually, I want to know more, feel more, see what could happen if we kept going, if we indulged and really gave into everything. Emotionally, I feel a connection to you, too, and—and yeah, I want to explore that, too.”
I hold his gaze, and don’t try to hide the wild, turbulent emotion in my eyes. “But I’m scared. I’m scared of getting hurt, I’m scared of being rejected, and I’m scared I’ll get attached and then lose you.” I pause, swallow hard. “Most of all, I’m scared that every minute I spend with you, I’ll be competing with a ghost, James. And I just can’t do that. I can’t. No one can.”
“I know,” he whispers—and his whisper is fragile. It’s heartbreaking to hear such a thing from so strong and powerful a man. And the vulnerability I see in him…it’s…intoxicating and terrifying and so brave. “It’s not fair to you. I know that.”
“So where do I go from here, James?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t fucking know. That thing you said—competing with a ghost. That’s right on target. I feel her, Nova. In this house, in my head, in my heart.
“Then I look at you, and I give in to wanting you, to being attracted to you, and it’s…god, it’s wild. For a few seconds, for a few minutes, I feel like—I don’t know—like a kid with his first crush, the first time you feel that rush of need for someone, you know? That’s how it was with me and Renée—the summer before ninth grade we went to a public pool together and even though I’d seen her in a bikini any number of times before, I was suddenly hit by a different kind of attraction to her, need for her. It was like being hit by a Mack truck.
“And it’s like that with you, every time I’m around you. But then my brain or my heart or whatever brings up Renée—and my immediate thought is to quash those feelings. But then I feel guilty for trying not to think about her, and that starts a spiral. I don’t want to forget her, but I’m fighting her ghost too, and I don’t know how to hold on to her memory without it holding me back from living my life.” His eyes bore into mine, brown and intense. “And I do want to explore things too. But I can’t, and won’t, make you compete with a ghost. And I don’t know what to do.”
“I wish I could answer that for you, James.”
He shakes his head, hands scraping through his hair. “I can’t answer it for myself.”
“That leaves us at an impasse, I guess.” I sigh. “I want what I can’t have, and you can’t have what you want.”
James growls again. “I’m sorry, Nova. This is why I tried to avoid letting things even get started with you. I didn’t and don’t want to hurt you. I never meant to, and I’m sorry that I did.” His eyes search mine. “I don’t regret what we did, Nova. Not a second of it—the only thing I regret is that moment when I said her name instead of yours. I said it then and I’ll say it again—I knew the whole time who I was with and what was happening. I was not trying to…I don’t know, put you in her place or whatever. I got lost in the moment and my mouth spouted off something from my subconscious, or something. I don’t know how to explain it. I’ve never said any name in moments like that except hers, and I guess it was…” He shakes his head. “I’m fucking this up. I don’t know what else to say.”
“Not instinct, but more…long-ingrained habit,” I say.
He nods slowly. “Yeah. Exactly.”
“You don’t have to explain anymore, and you don’t have to apologize.” I smile at him sadly. “I just don’t know where to go from here.”
“Me either.”
I sigh bitterly. “The first time I’ve been able to have both an emotional and physical connection with a man, and it’s impossible.” I laugh, even more bitterly. “It figures.”
“Nova, I—”
I shake my head. “I should go.”
“Nova.”
“We’re just going in circles, James. I’m not going to push you. But I’m not willing to get into something purely physical, even though I know both of us could probably use the relief.”
“I think about you enough that I need the relief,” he murmurs.
“Same here,” I admit. “But with you, I need the emotions, too. I can’t do casual anymore, James. I gave that up a long time ago.”
