Page 38 of Screwed (Dad Bod Contracting 4)
Audra winces. “That’s understandable.”
I bark a laugh. “Hold that thought, babe,” I say. “In the moment that James finished—and yes, he finished all over me, and yes, it was hot and messy and awesome—he…he said her name.”
Audra gasps, hand clapping over her mouth. “No! He did?”
I nod. “He said, ‘holy shit, Renée.’” I sigh, long and sad. “He immediately realized his fuckup, and was as upset about it as you would imagine. And so was I—I mean, we’d just shared this hot, incredible moment, and he forgets he’s with me? It fucking hurt.”
Audra nods sympathetically. “Of course it did. How could it not?”
“I mean, I understood. Especially when he told me the kiss in his kitchen was the first time he’d kissed anyone else—not just since Renée died, but anyone except her ever.”
“Holy fuck,” Audra breathes. “Really?”
I nod. “Really. So him and me kissing was a huge deal for him. First kiss after she died, and first kiss with anyone not his wife, who he knew and was with literally his entire life, since third grade.”
“Goddamn.”
“Yeah. So us messing around, making each other come? That was…beyond a huge deal. And in the heat of the moment, yeah, I absolutely get how he would accidentally say her name. How he would be…in a very weird, agonizing place afterward.”
“Doesn’t make it any easier for you.”
“No.”
“So…now what?” Audra asks.
I laugh. “Exactly! Now what? That’s why you’re here.” I roll a hand. “I have no idea. I feel like I got a taste of something truly and incredibly epic, and a huge part of me wants more, but I’m…afraid, I guess. On one hand, I’m afraid of moving on from Craig in a way I never really have, and scared of what trying to make things happen with James might do to him. I don’t know if he can get over Renée. Can he be with me and give me emotionally what I need?”
Audra makes a face that’s somewhere between sympathy and a wince. “James is kind of a mystery to me, honestly. He’s forty-whatever years old and he’s only ever been with one woman, until today? I don’t know what to do with that. He honestly may never get over that, Nova.”
I laugh bitterly. “Wow. Awesome. Very helpful and supportive.”
“I’m sorry, I’m just being honest.” She shrugs. “What about you, though?”
I tilt my head. “What about me?”
“Do you think you can overcome your past? If James was suddenly like hell yeah, babe, let’s be a thing right now…do you think you’d be able to jump in with both feet?”
I groan. “I want to say yes.”
“But you can’t.”
I roll a shoulder and stare out the window. “I think I could get there. It would take time and work, but I just don’t know if I can…I don’t know.”
“You know you can’t stay alone forever,” Audra fills in.
I nod. “I can’t do casual sex anymore—been there, done that, got the T-shirt, and donated the T-shirt to resale.” I toy with the teabag in my mug. “I also can’t do relationships where we both know it’s not serious, but it’s not casual either. I tried that too, and it just doesn’t work. It ends up being casual, and either I feel gross about myself, or stay closed off. Usually both. But the longer I’m alone, the more closed off and cranky I get. At this point, honestly, you may as well just give me half a dozen cats and call me a crazy cat lady.”
Audra tucks her feet under her thighs. “I guess it’s a matter of what you think you have to lose by not chasing James. Or you can wait and see if he makes a move? He did make up an excuse to see you, after all.”
I wipe my face with both hands. “But if he calls me, how do I know he’s making a move out of emotion, and not just thinking with his dick?”
“Would it be a problem if he was thinking with his dick?”
“Um, yeah? Because if all I wanted was dick, I could walk down the street and snap my fingers and I’d have all the dick I could handle.”
“But it wouldn’t be his dick,” Audra argues. “And it’s his dick you want.”
I drop my eyes. “And it’s not just his dick.”
“But sometimes, the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his penis.”
I laugh. “True, but what if I don’t want to get James’s heart via his penis?”
Audra laughs, and it’s not a mean laugh, but it’s not kind either. “Then you shouldn’t have jerked him off onto your stomach.”
I groan. “You’re not being very helpful, Audra.”
“If a man has cleaned his cum off your belly, he’s gonna be thinking about you in sexual terms. And once he’s thinking about you in sexual terms, it’s a simple step from that to at least some kind of closeness in the afterglow. And the afterglow, my dear friend, is the best time to grab a man’s heart.”
