Page 60 of Tarnished Queen

“Oh, Christ, Nikolai.” My throat clogs, thinking about him as a little boy, navigating that kind of loss. It makes me want to cross the room and wrap him in a hug. “I’m so sorry. That must have been—”

“It was shitty, but so is life. It either makes you or it breaks you. I let it make me.”

I settle into the leather chair across from his desk and pull my knees up to my chin. The buzzing in my head has dulled. All my anxieties quieting for the first time in hours. The world sounds so simple and clear-cut when he describes it.Do this or that. Choose A or choose B.When I look out at it, though, all I see is an ever-shifting haze of things that always stay just out of reach.

“Does that mean you wouldn’t change anything if you could?” I ask.

He frowns, but it’s not angry. Just… brooding, I guess. “I don’t have time for regrets or ‘what if?’ I like who I am now and that’s all that matters.”

I shake my head in quiet disbelief. “It must be amazing to exist in the world that way. To let life wash over you, taking what you need and leaving what you don’t.”

“You should try it,” he suggests.

I snort. “Try it? I can’t even imagine it. I’ve spent my entire life wondering where Elise and I would be if my mom had put us first. Where we’d be if our parents gave a single shit.”

“Howard gives a shit, Belle.”

“Maybe half a shit,” I mumble, resting my head on the arm of the chair. Nikolai’s office is surprisingly warm, and the overhead light is off, so the room is lit by the gentle glow of his desk lamp. It’s soothing.

“You don’t have to decide anything about Howard now. But I’ll text Yuri and have him scope out the restaurant where he’d like to meet. He can make sure everything is above-board and that you’ll be protected if you choose to go.”

“I thought you said this doesn’t concern you?”

“How many times do I have to say it?” he snaps. “Youconcern me, Belle. And if you’re going to be there, I intend to make sure it’s safe.”

I know better, but it’s nice to pretend he cares what happens to me. I want to stay in this fantasy for a minute. So I close my eyes and let myself lull into a doze.

“You should get to bed,” Nikolai murmurs.

His voice surprises me, making me jump. But I don’t open my eyes.

I know I should get to sleep. I need more rest because of the baby, anyway. But I’m not ready to give this up. Just a few more minutes.

When I do finally open my eyes, I’m surprised to find I’m not in Nikolai’s office anymore. The room is dark, and I recognize the furniture in my bedroom. He must have carried me to bed when I fell asleep.

The comforter is wrapped around my shoulders and soft against my cheek. I nuzzle deeper into the blankets, smiling at the thought of Nikolai tucking me into bed.

It’s nice. It’s simple.

If only anything else was like that.

19

BELLE

“Come with me.”

Nikolai doesn’t look up from his phone, though he does arch an intrigued eyebrow. “It’s a little early for that kind of dirty talk, don’t you think?”

I groan. “I didn’t mean—To the lunch with Howard, I’m talking about. I want you to come with me.”

“You’re going to go?”

“Yeah. You were right,” I admit grudgingly. “Howard might be a shitty dad, but Elise deserves the opportunity to know him. So I need to meet with him and vet this whole thing.”

At that, Nikolai finally looks up from his phone. He’s freshly showered, his hair wet and curling across his forehead. The morning light slanting through the windows makes it look like it’s carved from dark marble. “I’m right?”

“Don’t look surprised. You’re always right, remember?”

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