Page 56 of Tarnished Queen

His eyebrow arches, his expression smug.

“Stop it,” I growl. “Stop looking at me like that. I… I hate it. I hate him. I hate you.” I feel like a petulant child, but I can’t seem to stop.

Nikolai just laughs, which is as infuriating as anything else he’s ever done. “Go on then. You’re on a roll. What else do you hate?”

More answers leap right to my tongue. “I hate that bald, sweaty private investigator who tracked us down. I hate my mom for calling Howard. I hate Howard for helping her.”

Nikolai’s eyes are twin black holes, swallowing up everything I’m giving him and demanding more, more, more.

“Don’t stop,” he rasps. “Let it all out.”

I close my eyes. “I hate that a part of me—growing larger by the second, for the record—feels bad for turning Howard away. And I hate that I feel guilty for lying to Elise and taking away her opportunity to meet her father. And, most of all…” My throat clogs with emotion. I have to take a few deep breaths before I can continue. “Most of all, I hate that I’m not Elise’s mom. I hate that everyone else seems to have a larger claim on her than I do, even though I love her more than all of them. I hate that she might get taken away from me. I hate how much I hate that. I hate how much it scares me.”

With that, I run out of steam. I slump back against the couch and swipe the tears from my cheeks. “Elise would call me a cupcake if she heard any of that.” I raise my eyes to meet Nikolai’s. “You know what’s craziest of all? Part of me is actually jealous. Can you believe that?”

“Jealous of what?”

“Of Elise. That Howard came back for her.” I shake my head. “I’m jealous that her dad is alive and cares—or at least is pretending to care—while mine is dead and he’s never coming back. He can’t come back and be here for me the way Howard can with Elise. I mean… isn’t that ridiculous?”

Nikolai shrugs. “Fuck if I know. Jealousy isn’t something I have much experience with.”

“Except where handsy tailors are concerned.”

Nikolai’s eyes flash. “That’s different.”

“I’m too emotionally exhausted to even begin to unpack that sentiment,” I mutter.

“What’s there to unpack?” Nikolai asks. “You live in my house, I take care of you, we’re getting married. You’re mine,kiska.”

“And it’s that simple for you?”

He nods. “It’s that simple.”

I sigh. “I wish things could be that simple for me.”

“They can be.”

Nikolai is watching me with cool gray eyes. I’m well aware that this is what passes as tender for him. He’s being gentle with me even though he doesn’t have to, even though he could be angry with me instead for bringing this mess into his life when he already has so much else to deal with.

I want to rest my head against his shoulder and close my eyes, but I force myself to sit upright and look at him.

“How?” I choke out. “I don’t see how it’s possible.”

All at once, Nikolai closes the gap between us. He grips my chin and peers into my eyes, into my soul. “All you have to do is realize that you and you alone make your destiny in this world, Belle. You can’t depend on anyone else to do it for you.”

I blink up at him for a few taut seconds.

Then, before I can ask any questions, Nikolai lets go of my chin and stands up. “I have work to do. I’ll be in my office.”

Once he’s gone, I collapse back and let the sofa swallow me up. I want to melt between the cushions and disappear.

“Figure out how to make my own destiny,” I mutter to the empty room. “Gee, is that all?”

Then I press a throw pillow against my face and scream.

18

BELLE

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