Page 146 of Tarnished Queen

I sob, relief and heartbreak rattling through me. “This can’t be over, Nikolai. It can’t. What can I do? Tell me what to do and I’ll do it, I swear I will.”

Slowly, Nikolai drags my hand closer to his hip. His eyes are burning into mine, trying to relay something I don’t understand.

“I love you,” he says again.

Another sob starts to bubble up in me.

But then I feel it. The hard length in Nikolai’s pocket. The intricate handle poking out of his pocket.

It’s the knife Makar gave me on my wedding day.

Nikolai’s chin dips slightly, and I understand all at once what he wants me to do. What I have to do.

“I’m sorry.” His voice sounds weak, and I know all at once what he means. What he wants to say but can’t because Xena’s shoes are clicking closer every second.

I’m sorry I lied. I’m sorry I got you tangled up in this mess. I’m sorry you have to be the one to kill the person who did this to us.

I lay my body over his, carefully pulling the knife from his pocket and tucking it against my forearm and palm. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Nikolai. I don’t have a single regret.”

“Come on!” Xena screeches. “Get up. Goodbyes are over.”

I look at Nikolai again, hoping and praying it won’t be for the last time. He tips his head slowly, a silent encouragement, and then falls back against the floor. His lids flutter closed, and that’s all the encouragement I need. He doesn’t have much time.

“Up!” Xena yells again.

Slowly, I stand up with an exaggerated sob and back away from Nikolai. Xena is somewhere behind me, so I want to get as close to her as I can before I turn around. Before she sees my face and realizes I’m lying.

“Turn around,” she snaps. “I want to see you when I kill you.”

I bow my head, my shoulders shaking. It’s not so hard to fake. Seeing Nikolai quiet and still on the ground is terrifying. I’m worried he’ll never get up.

“No!” Elise moans from a few yards away. “Please. No.”

I don’t know if she’s talking about me or Howard, but it doesn’t matter. Not in this second.

Right now, the only thing that matters is not missing.

Xena groans in frustration. “Would you fucking turn around, you—”

She grabs my shoulder and spins me around. As I turn, I slide the knife down into my fingers, hook my right arm around, and slash out at her neck with all my strength.

Xena reacts quickly, raising her right arm to try and block the attack. Instead of cutting her throat open like I intended, I catch her on the forearm. The blade bites into her palm and the soft underside of her wrist. Blood sprays out like a mist.

She tries to get a hold of my arm, but my skin is slippery with blood—both hers and Nikolai’s—and she can’t keep hold of me.

“Let go!” Her shrieks sound like a trapped animal now.

I can do this. I can fucking do this.

I’m going to kill her.

Suddenly, I see someone approaching. For a second, I think it must be backup. Must be someone else Xena had hidden away in the room, here to finish the job in case something went awry.

But it’s Elise.

She grabs Xena’s uninjured hand and starts prying her fingers away from me.

“Elise!” I shout. The single word is enough for her to know what I mean.

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