Page 61 of Nailed (Dad Bod Contracting 3)
I nod. “That makes sense.” I swirl the ice at the bottom of my goblet. “The other complicating factor is that my ex-husband showed up at my door at one in the morning the other day and told me he was still in love with me.”
“How is that a complicating factor?” Nova asks. “Do you still have feelings for him?”
I shake my head. “God no, not at all. I’m just worried he’s going to do something crazy to try and win me back.”
“Could he win you back?” Nova presses.
“Again, god no!” I stare at the table. “If he’d tried years ago, after we first got divorced, maybe. But only because I was still desperate to feel like a family…but I’ve realized we never really were a family, and that everything he does is about him somehow or another. He told me he’s on medication and all that, but yet he shows up unannounced at my front door at one in the morning. Not exactly proof positive that he’s really changed.”
“What do you think prompted the sudden declaration of love?” Imogen asks.
“Probably seeing me with Ryder,” I answer.
Nova frowns. “When did that happen?”
“The weekend before this last one. Ryder picked me up and we went downtown for a date, and then we stayed at a hotel…” I duck my head, blushing. “I sort of lost track of time and was late picking up Nate from his father’s—Paul gets visitation every other weekend, and this was his weekend. Ryder took me to Paul’s to pick Nate up, and then to basketball practice. That was the first time I’ve ever brought another guy around Paul, and it must’ve set him off.”
“What about your ex-boyfriend…what’s his name? Deke?” Audra asks.
“Derek, and he was never my boyfriend.”
Audra frowns. “You dated him almost a year…and you were upset when he dumped you. Sort of makes him your boyfriend.”
I sigh. “It’s a mental game I played with myself, I guess—it’s complicated. The point is, I never brought him around Paul, and the only time he ever saw Nate is when we went out all three of us, and then sometimes we’d go back to my house and hang out for a while, but Derek never stayed the night and never went with me to drop off or pick up Nate from Paul’s, and never went anywhere with Nate alone.”
“Even after a year?” Imogen clarifies.
I nod. “Derek never really liked Nate, I guess. I didn’t see it—I feel like a shitty mother for being so blind and selfish. Derek was cute, and when we were together he was…nice to me.”
Nova’s eyes narrow. “He was nice to you?”
I shrug. “Yeah. He was nice.”
“You dated a guy simply because he was nice?” Nova’s voice rises in intensity.
“Paul was never nice! He was mean, he was selfish, and he was difficult.” I’m getting upset now. “He made me feel like he needed me, and I liked feeling needed—at first. But then it turned into a trap, because he needed me, but yet I was never enough—nothing I did was ever enough. Then we had Nate and I was scared of being a single mom, and Paul needed me, and all I could do was try to survive—take care of Nate, take care of Paul, pay the bills…” I pause, trying to breathe. “I…when I finally bit the bullet and divorced Paul, I was lonely. I’d been lonely for fucking years. So yeah, Derek came along and he was nice to me and acted like he liked me, like he wanted me, and I let myself get blinded by that, because for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t lonely. He was nice to me. But he wasn’t nice to Nate, and all he wanted was to sleep with me—probably because I was so lonely and desperate. And once he got what he wanted, he got bored and moved on. So yes, Nova, I dated a guy just because he was nice to me.”
“I’m sorry, I was being judgmental without knowing the facts.” Nova is quiet, distant, now. “I get it. More than you know, I get it.”
I wave a hand. “No apology needed.” I drain my goblet. “I want this thing with Ryder to be real, but now I question my own judgment. What if he’s just being nice to me to get me to sleep with him? What if, now that I’ve given him that, he won’t want me anymore? What if I let him take my son out, but it’s all just an elaborate ploy? What if he turns out to be just as much of an asshole as Paul and Derek? What if there’s something I’m not seeing? What if I let myself fall in love with him and let Nate get attached, and then it just doesn’t work for some reason… what if—”
