Page 59 of Nailed (Dad Bod Contracting 3)
I frown at her. “What does that mean?”
She shrugs. “I mean if I hadn’t met Jesse first, I’d probably have wanted to fuck Ryder. He’s hot, and I’ve always had a thing for gingers.”
“Do I need to be jealous?” I ask, eyes narrowed.
“God no!” She waves a hand. “I’ve got all the sexy times I can handle, honey-buns. Franco gives it to me all night and all day, and then some. He literally followed me into the shower this morning. I was late for work, so all I had time for was a kiss and a handjob, but still. He’s insatiable.”
I roll my eyes at her. “A handjob? Really?”
She shrugs. “What? The handjob is underrated.” She makes her voice sound like an old-timey radio commercial. “If your guy is hounding you for sexy times and you just ain’t got the time, the trusty, quick, reliable handjob is ready for action.”
Imogen groans, slapping her forehead with her palm. “Oh my god, Audra. You are so wrong!”
Audra just raises her eyebrows, arch, prim, and self-assured. “So right, you mean. Have you tried it?”
Imogen blushes. “Well, no. Not since I was a teenager.”
“Do you blow him?”
“Sometimes.”
“Next time he’s all ‘me so horny’ and you’re just super not in the mood for the energy expenditure of sex or the jaw ache and aftertaste of a blowjob, try a handjob and thank me later.”
“And do what with the…um…mess?” Imogen asks.
Audra shrugs. “Depends. If you’re at home, just lead him into the bathroom and have him finish into the toilet. Or the sink.” She winks.
Imogen fakes a gag. “The sink? That’s so gross!”
“Or, just let him go on your titties and make him clean you up with a washcloth.” Audra waves a hand. “The options are endless—limited only by your imagination, my dear.” She gestures at Imogen’s belly. “And honestly, you’ll probably be thanking me in a few months—when that baby is near term and you’re big as a whale and can barely move and he’s going crazy ’cause you’re too pregnant for anything fun, the ol’ handjob will get him off your case for a few days. Or…hours, at the very least.”
“Or…” Nova raises a finger. “And I’m just spitballing here—but he could just, you know, suck it up and deal with it for a while?”
Audra looks at Nova like she’s sprouted a second head. “Are you crazy? Men are so impossible to deal with when they’re horny. Get them off, and they’re so much more…pliable.”
Nova snorts and then coughs, trying not to spew margarita over the table. “Pliable?” she asks.
Audra nods, serious. “Pliable. Meaning, pliable to your will. Man-management one-oh-one, babe—he’ll do anything you ask if you promise him sex…he’ll do whatever you want before you even have to ask if he thinks there’s a BJ in the offing, and once he’s gotten sex, a BJ, or a handy, he’ll be so grateful that he’ll basically follow you around like a puppy, hoping to do something else for you just so you’ll reward him again.”
Nova narrows her eyes. “That sounds like manipulation.”
Audra laughs. “Um, yeah. Absolutely.” She holds up a finger, pulls her phone from her purse and calls Franco, with it on speakerphone. It rings three times, and then he answers.
“Hey, babe.”
“Hi, lovey,” Audra says. “Full disclosure: You’re on speakerphone, and I’ve got the girls with me. I need you to answer a question, to prove a point I’m trying to make.”
He hesitates. “Ummm…okay. I’ll do my best.”
“Just be honest, babe.”
“Will this come back to bite me in the ass later if I don’t answer correctly?”
Audra laughs. “Quit being so suspicious, you looney toon.” She leans over the phone, and we all move closer. “Would you agree that I manipulate you with sex?”
He’s quiet a moment, thinking. “Um. Yes, absolutely.”
“And you’re aware of this.”
“Yes.”
“Do you resent me for it?”
“Hell no.”
“Why not?”
“Because for one, it gets me sex. For another, you’re not doing it out of anything negative, mean, or, like, self-serving. You love me, and I know it—you just sometimes use sex to get around the fact that I’m stubborn, obtuse, and sometimes flat-out stupid.”
We’re all laughing now, and Audra holds up a hand to quiet us. “One last question. How do you feel about handjobs?”
He snorts. “I’ll take them and gladly, but only if it’s all I can get—other stuff is better.” There’s noise in the background, voices and power tools. “Gotta go, babe—I have work to finish so I can get home and claim my reward for answering your questions.”
We cackle and giggle at that.
“Reward, huh?” Audra asks.
“Yup. You had to know that if you’re having me answer personal questions like that in front of all the girls, you’re gonna have to give me something for it later.”
“My period just started, sadly, so sex is out of the question.”
“Damn. Okay, well, we’ll negotiate when you get home.”
