Page 3 of Nailed (Dad Bod Contracting 3)
Audra frowns at me. “It’s not sleazy, he’s just being honest about what he wants—some red-hot boning.”
I almost spit out my drink again. “Stop doing that!”
Nova hands me another napkin. “And also, just because he said that crazy chicks are crazy in bed doesn’t mean it’s good sex.” She glances at all of us. “I think we can all agree that crazy sex and good sex aren’t necessarily the same.”
Audra eyes her. “So—spill.”
Nova lifts an eyebrow. “Spill what?”
“Examples, bitch! Crazy sex versus good sex.”
Nova looks around at all of us, and then sighs. “This is codified girl talk, right? This doesn’t leave this booth?” We all chorus our agreement, and Nova grins. “So, in college, there was this guy I was crushing on, like really hard. He was in my anatomy and physiology class, and we’d actually had several classes together, since we were both in the medical program. He was…not my usual type. I’m a tall girl, right? And I’ve been into powerlifting since high school—I was the first girl to compete with the powerlifting team in my school’s history, actually. So, I’m not just tall, I’m strong. Which intimidates most guys, right? Especially guys who work out, oddly—they’re worried I’ll show ’em up or something stupid, I guess. Even more curious is that the guys who aren’t intimidated by my size, strength, and build are, historically, the skinny guys who don’t work out.
“Anyway, this guy fit that bill—long hair, beard, wore socks with Birkenstocks, played hacky sack in the quad—that kinda guy. But he was cute, and funny, and we tended to sit near each other a lot.”
Audra pretends to snore. “We don’t need the backstory, hon. Get to the juicy shit.”
Nova sighs. “Fine. To make the story shorter—for those with attention span deficits—he ended up being an absolute maniac in bed. Not super well-endowed, but damn did he make up for it with sheer…just…wildness. He was insatiable, and like, insanely creative. He wanted to try things I’d never heard of, all these weird positions and shit.”
“Like what?” Imogen asks.
“Like, once, he wanted to try the…um…butter churner.” She blushes scarlet again, focusing on crumbling a chip into pieces.
Audra splutters. “He did not. Really?”
Nova nods. “He certainly did.”
“And?” Audra is, of course, all ears.
“And…it’s uncomfortable and amazing at the same time. It’s not the kind of position you can just hang out in for very long, but it’s intense in the moment.” She grins lopsidedly.
Imogen and I both have similarly lost expressions, and Imogen is the first to admit ignorance. “Um, sorry, but what’s the butter churner?”
Nova cackles, and is now ripping up a napkin into shreds. “It’s, um…you—meaning, the woman—you’re on your back, with your butt up in the air. Like, you’re sort of resting on your neck. Sort of like doing the bicycle? And he’s standing over you, or kneeling on a couch or something, and going at it downward.”
Imogen glances at the ceiling as she tries to picture what Nova is describing. “Wow. That sounds…not great.”
Nova shrugs and makes a face. “If you have a pillow under your neck and he’s got the right angle, it’s actually really great. Stimulates your G-spot like nothing else.” She grinned. “He also wanted to try what he called the couch twerk. Which was another weird one that I ended up liking a lot more than I thought I would. He sits upright at the edge of the bed, and you have to kneel on him, facing the same way as him with your feet under your butt. And then you bend forward and put your hands on the floor and…yeah. Talk about getting deep. It’s hot because you have all the control over pace and rhythm and everything. All he can do is sit there and feel good while you decide how fast or slow you want it.”
Audra blinks. “Wow. That’s a new one for me.” Her grin is lascivious. “I know what Franco and I are trying tonight.”
I laugh, glancing at Nova. “So, that was crazy sex, needless to say.”
“Right. It was always like that—crazy positions, super energetic and athletic and fun.” She shrugs. “But not…good. Like, it was adventurous and fun, and I always got there in the end, but it was fun more for the novelty of things and how crazy he was about everything. But it wasn’t good in terms of sheer sexual satisfaction.”
Imogen nods. “I can understand that. So what was good for you, then?”
Nova sighs. “My ex.”
“Ex what?” I ask.
Nova shrugs. “Does it matter?” She pours salt onto the table and traces designs in it. “It was rarely adventurous—cowgirl was about as exotic as it got, for the most part, but it was just…good. He could just make me feel amazing.”
I nod in agreement. “I totally sympathize. My ex-husband always wanted to ‘spice things up’ with weird stuff. Standing up and bending me over random objects and…just weird, random positions that felt a little kinky but honestly didn’t make me feel any better in terms of gratification. It was really more about him and me putting a Band-Aid on our dying marriage. Using weird positions to mask the fact that things had stopped working between us. But then my ex-boyfriend, Derek, who I dated a few years after Paul and I divorced—we had great chemistry. We didn’t need weird stuff, because it was just good.”
