Page 97 of Golden Hour

“I don’t know if I can. You’re my whole world,” I said.

She moved our hands slightly as she looked at them. “I want you to try. Please promise me you will do whatever you can. To be happy without me.”

“I promise,” I said, although I thought the feat impossible.

I told my therapist this story on the second session, when I mentioned offhandedly that I promised Amy something.

We’ve talked about Shiloh extensively, how my relationship with her made me realize how broken I was. How I wasn’t functioning as well as I should be. I told my therapist I asked her to essentially wait for me and whether that was fair.

Dr. Vernon forgets nothing so she says, “Do you think Shiloh could make you happy? Like Amy wanted?”

“Yes.” Two lumps growing in my throat.

“How is she doing?”

I shrug one shoulder. “She still works at the brewery. We’ve been giving each other space. My sister says she’s doing well. She’s been building her dog-walking business.”

“That’s great,” Dr. Vernon says. “We talked about missing Amy. Do you miss Shiloh too?”

“Yes,” I say, without hesitation. My time with her was the first time in ten years I felt true joy. She helped me integrate back into life. I started hanging out with my family more because of her.

I went from being so lonely to having a best friend.

“You mentioned you became romantic with Shiloh before you decided to take a break. How did that make you feel?”

“Wonderful,” I say. Once in a while Dr. Vernon digs like she’s an archaeologist, picking at me, looking for the bone.

“You never told me why you decided to take a break.”

I know, lady.I rub my knuckles and then cough into my hand. My skin feels too tight as I sit there, my pits are sweating. Her gaze is too much.

What happened was I was a coward. I feel things for Shiloh—deep, raw emotions that feel similar but different to what I felt with Amy. What Shiloh did to me, pulling me out of the abyss I didn’t know I was in—I’ll never be able to repay her.

Amy will always be my first love. The love of my life. Until now.

“Do you think you can love two people in a lifetime?” I ask.

I brace for the “What do you think,” but Dr. Vernon takes off her glasses again. “Yes, absolutely.”

“How?”

“You’ve been coming to me for three months, Jackson, and I can tell you loved your wife. It’s not wrong or cheating to fall in love with a new person. If that’s what you want, you deserve to find love again.”

“What if I screwed it up?”

“Do you care about Shiloh?”

“Yes.”

“Do you love her?”

I concentrate on a spot of discoloration on the carpet. What I feel for Shiloh does not fit in the box I called love. It’s calm, peaceful. Every time I was around her, I felt comfort and support. She made me laugh unlike anyone else. I could say anything to her, and I was accepted for exactly who I was.

I am so attracted to her too. Last week, we almost ran into each other at the hallway at work, and she looked so beautiful, with her blond hair tied back in a ponytail and wearing our brewery’s awful green polo. She smiled up at me like I didn’t break her heart, and her smile told me everything I needed to know.

“I love her. I’minlove with her.”

It feels like a brick released from my chest.

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