Page 53 of Golden Hour

Jackson

You deserve to find love again. Even if the first time was enough.

Shiloh said that to me, like I haven’t been thinking about her constantly. I look for her when I go into the taproom; I’ve memorized her schedule. I know exactly what sandwich I’ve gotten her last and which one I will get her next.

I’ve started a note in my phone all about her. Her likes, her dislikes. Her mom’s name, her sister’s name.

There’s a whole section on Rory.

I can’t stop hugging her. I can’t stop thinking about lifting her so her legs wrap around my waist, pushing her hair away, so I can taste those strawberry-stained lips. Every second I’m not with her, I want to be with her.

I’m addicted to making her smile.

It all makes me feel very, very guilty.

My wife has been gone for ten years, and I no longer feel her presence. I’m too pragmatic to believe in spirits or signs. She really is gone. When people insist that a dead loved one is with them, I just roll my eyes.

However.

A force pulls me to Shiloh, like moth to a flame. She dragged me in, against my will, without me knowing. A force taps me on the shoulder, pointing to her, telling me she needs to be in my life.

It’s not Amy, but if it was, it would make sense.

Amy thought of everyone before she thought of herself. The only thing that really made her sad about dying was all the people who were left.

There was one good day toward the end, when we watchedHome Alone,and her weak laughter made my heart hurt. She grabbed my hand while we sat on the couch during a scene of Kevin walking in the snow, and she told me, “I want you to be happy. Please be happy without me.”

It drove an iron spike through my stomach and twisted.

I never kept that promise.

That morning ten years ago is on my mind, going into our weekly family meeting.

Our investor, Dan Price, isn’t coming to this one, thank God. I emailed the November numbers, and he sent me a selfie of himself shirtless on a beach in Hawaii with his wife, Makenna, her sunglass frames bigger than her bikini top. It came with this message:Don’t bother me, I’m on vacation. Just don’t spend all the money this month and use your best judgment.

My family has taken this as an opportunity to drop bombs.

Annie and Cameron announce they’re pregnant. Soon after, Reid announces he is seeing Whitney, which is more shocking to my mother than the fact that my goofy brother Cam is going to be a father. Annie cries. Mom freaks out.

Whitney is adamantly childfree, and my mother is fixated on the idea that Reid won’t be a father if he stays with her, even though Cam is literally giving her another grandchild to spoil. Usually, I’m quiet at these things.

Not today. I stand up to make my point.

“Enough, Mom. Reid is a grown man, and he can decide what he wants. He doesn’t need you badgering him.”

It’s like I’m finally speaking up for myself.

Reid thanks me, but they keep discussing having kids or not having kids.

Reid, always the peacemaker, tries to smooth it over and ropes me into this.

“Even if Jackson and I never have kids, that’s fine…”

Like all hope is lost for me.

There was a time that kids felt inevitable, with Amy. Now, I’m the lost cause of this family.

We discuss company business, but Reid’s comment haunts me.

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