Page 143 of You Might Be Bad for Me

I’m surprised by the hurt that ripples through me when I see it’s Rae and not Daniel.

It’s a shocking feeling. And it takes me a moment to realize what I really want. I want him to beg me to forgive him. I want him to know my pain.

I let the idea resonate with me as I ignore Rae and click over to Daniel’s texts. Six of them in a row.

I’m sorry.

I was wrong.

I couldn’t help myself.

If I wasn’t with you and watching you it was too much for me to take.

I wish you would understand.

I would never hurt you. I never will.

I read his texts and the anger boils as I text back.You’ll never know how much it hurt to go through that alone. And you made it worse for me. You sat in silence while I was in pain. How could you ever think I’d forgive you?

I realize I’m more disturbed that he didn’t try to help me than the fact that he stalked me. I guess that’s not so different from what he did when I was with Tyler.

I press send without thinking twice. And then I click over to Rae, who wants to know how it’s going.Fucking priceless, I think bitterly.

I roll my eyes, letting a shudder run through my body and tears roll down my cheeks. Instead of answering her, I move to the kitchen for a bottle of wine.

I still haven’t unpacked my wine glasses and I know it’s because part of me was already envisioning leaving with Daniel. I knew he wasn’t staying long and I’d go anywhere with him. I would have done anything he wanted to be by his side.

My phone pings again as I bend down and grab a bottle of merlot by the neck from the bottom shelf of my wine rack. I pretend I’m going to let the phone sit there, but I’m too eager to see what he has to say. I’m a slave to his response.

He writes back,Because I was in pain too. And I’m sorry. It wasn’t to hurt you. It was only to distract me from the guilt I felt.

Pain and guilt and agony and death make people do awful things. But it’s no excuse.

I write back instantly,You used me.

I did.

I hate you for it.I stare at the text message and with the pain in my heart, I already know it’s not hate. It just hurts so much that he watched and did nothing.

Can you love me and hate me at the same time?

I’ll never forgive you.

He types some and then the bubbles that indicate he’s writing stop. And then they continue, but suddenly stop again. All the while I grip my phone tightly.

Instead of waiting, I write more. My hands shake and the anger in me confuses itself for sorrow.

I needed someone and I had no one. I wanted you, you had to know. I blamed myself for everything when there was no reason to think otherwise. You could have helped me, but you only watched. You made my pain so much worse than it needed to be.

I send it to him and although it’s marked as read, nothing comes. Minutes pass and the ticking of the clock serves as a constant reminder of every second going by with nothing to fill the gaping hole in my heart.

The moment I set the phone down on the counter and reach for the corkscrew, the phone beeps. I have to read it twice and then reread the message I’d sent him before the sob escapes me.

That’s the way I felt every time you kissed him.

My shoulders shake so hard that I fall to the ground, my phone falling as well, although the screen doesn’t shatter. I cover my face as I cry, hating myself even more and not knowing how to make anything better.

My phone pings again, but I can’t answer it for the longest time. Even though it feels pathetic, I cry so hard it hurts every piece of my heart. The piece I gave Tyler when I gave myself to him. The piece I thought I’d left behind when I walked away from him. The piece that left me when he was laid to rest, and the piece I gave Daniel. There are many pieces. Pieces from years ago, from only days ago and the very big piece he just took.

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